[00:00:00.00 -> 00:00:01.68] Kids want the most they can get out of us.

[00:00:01.68 -> 00:00:03.40] Husbands want the most they can get out of us,

[00:00:03.40 -> 00:00:04.72] our jobs, everything else.

[00:00:04.72 -> 00:00:06.80] You said it's a microthink, man, I have to tell you,

[00:00:06.80 -> 00:00:10.84] I think this is one of the most fundamental shifts

[00:00:10.84 -> 00:00:12.44] in my life experience.

[00:00:12.44 -> 00:00:15.00] Also, once you start to do this for other people,

[00:00:15.00 -> 00:00:16.36] even in your current marriage,

[00:00:16.36 -> 00:00:19.96] like you've got some issue with your husband, try this.

[00:00:19.96 -> 00:00:21.48] Something I kind of want to talk to you about

[00:00:21.48 -> 00:00:22.32] is now a good time.

[00:00:22.32 -> 00:00:24.48] Are you available to have like what could be

[00:00:24.48 -> 00:00:26.32] a little bit of a prickly conversation?

[00:00:26.32 -> 00:00:27.92] What if you asked like that?

[00:00:27.92 -> 00:00:30.32] And if he said, no, no, I'm tired.

[00:00:30.32 -> 00:00:32.52] I'd say, great, thanks for letting me know.

[00:00:32.52 -> 00:00:34.20] Let me know when you are available.

[00:00:34.20 -> 00:00:35.04] It's important to me.

[00:00:35.04 -> 00:00:37.28] So, you know, sometime in the next few days will be great.

[00:00:37.28 -> 00:00:40.40] And respecting his know and not just like launching straight

[00:00:40.40 -> 00:00:42.88] into, let's be honest,

[00:00:42.88 -> 00:00:47.88] most of us were taught to wait our turn to tone it down

[00:00:47.88 -> 00:00:50.00] to save it for later.

[00:00:50.00 -> 00:00:51.84] Later, when the kids are grown,

[00:00:51.84 -> 00:00:54.14] later when the timing's right,

[00:00:54.14 -> 00:00:58.70] Later, when you finally stop hearing what they think,

[00:00:58.70 -> 00:01:02.54] well, I'm done waiting.

[00:01:02.54 -> 00:01:05.30] I'm Hannah Hymnbury Bell, Texas Divorce Lawyer,

[00:01:05.30 -> 00:01:09.18] mom and woman who rebuilt her life from the wreckage.

[00:01:09.18 -> 00:01:11.54] This is not saving it for later.

[00:01:11.54 -> 00:01:15.10] The podcast, Guiding Women Through Divorce and Beyond.

[00:01:15.10 -> 00:01:18.38] Well, hello everyone and welcome to Not Saving It

[00:01:18.38 -> 00:01:19.14] for Later.

[00:01:19.14 -> 00:01:22.54] We are in for a special treat today.

[00:01:22.54 -> 00:01:27.54] Our guest is Marla Battenson, my friend and coach

[00:01:28.50 -> 00:01:33.46] and goddess and residence, like what all do I even say.

[00:01:33.46 -> 00:01:35.34] Marla, thank you so much for being here.

[00:01:35.34 -> 00:01:38.14] I mean, what do you wanna say about introductions?

[00:01:38.14 -> 00:01:41.18] It's always like, well, how do I encapsulate Marla

[00:01:41.18 -> 00:01:42.02] in a couple of words?

[00:01:42.02 -> 00:01:45.10] So anything to add to that, Marla?

[00:01:45.10 -> 00:01:48.14] Just so happy to be here and to be with you

[00:01:48.14 -> 00:01:49.98] and to have a great conversation.

[00:01:49.98 -> 00:01:52.10] You and I have pretty amazing conversations

[00:01:52.10 -> 00:01:57.12] And so to just have your audience witness our conversation, I think is going to be really

[00:01:57.12 -> 00:01:58.62] helpful for people.

[00:01:58.62 -> 00:01:59.62] Yeah.

[00:01:59.62 -> 00:02:04.26] So, Yalt Marla is, I mean, I'll just say like how I've experienced my relationship with

[00:02:04.26 -> 00:02:07.96] Marla and then Marla if you need to like make any corrections if I'm saying things wrong

[00:02:07.96 -> 00:02:09.12] or whatever.

[00:02:09.12 -> 00:02:14.46] But I came to know Marla through my friend Kate, I have so many wonderful things have

[00:02:14.46 -> 00:02:16.74] come into my life that way.

[00:02:16.74 -> 00:02:24.12] And I worked with Marla in a coaching capacity for leadership, really for spiritual kind

[00:02:24.12 -> 00:02:32.62] of woo things, feminine things, like just as someone in my personal growth and development

[00:02:32.62 -> 00:02:39.42] journey that came along pretty early on in the process for me as I was just starting

[00:02:39.42 -> 00:02:45.30] to kind of wake up to consciousness and like all of that kind of stuff.

[00:02:45.30 -> 00:02:49.06] Okay, so Marla was there, meet me at the gate.

[00:02:49.06 -> 00:02:51.22] And I think one of the things that's so amazing

[00:02:51.22 -> 00:02:53.22] about Marla is she can meet people at the gate

[00:02:53.22 -> 00:02:54.82] when they're just arriving

[00:02:54.82 -> 00:02:56.98] and then kind of continue through the journey

[00:02:56.98 -> 00:03:00.06] with you over the long haul.

[00:03:00.06 -> 00:03:03.54] And develop with you as you go in a way

[00:03:03.54 -> 00:03:04.54] that's not judgmental.

[00:03:04.54 -> 00:03:07.10] And Marla, like whenever I think about you,

[00:03:07.10 -> 00:03:10.26] I always think about, and this happens probably daily.

[00:03:10.26 -> 00:03:12.02] One of the things that Marla will say to you,

[00:03:12.02 -> 00:03:13.54] and I'm like already gonna tear up talking about it,

[00:03:13.54 -> 00:03:15.98] is she'll say you're doing it perfectly.

[00:03:17.16 -> 00:03:19.24] And she'll tell you that all the time

[00:03:19.24 -> 00:03:23.98] when you feel very much not doing it perfectly.

[00:03:23.98 -> 00:03:25.98] She will give you that gift of the phrase,

[00:03:25.98 -> 00:03:27.14] and everybody listens to this note,

[00:03:27.14 -> 00:03:30.62] I love little science, and you're doing it perfectly.

[00:03:30.62 -> 00:03:33.94] Whatever it is, it helps me so much Marla,

[00:03:33.94 -> 00:03:34.78] that one little thing.

[00:03:34.78 -> 00:03:37.38] And there's so many other things that she's done.

[00:03:37.38 -> 00:03:40.74] That's who you're in a treat for to talk with,

[00:03:40.74 -> 00:03:45.74] like former math teacher, doula body work.

[00:03:46.02 -> 00:03:48.94] I mean, this lady has done all the things.

[00:03:48.94 -> 00:03:53.94] And is one of the top minds I've ever encountered

[00:03:55.02 -> 00:03:59.10] on the planet in considering the human experience.

[00:03:59.10 -> 00:04:03.78] I think it's a way to say it and like is able to reduce

[00:04:03.78 -> 00:04:07.38] complicated sort of almost like thoughts

[00:04:07.38 -> 00:04:09.58] that are right out of someone's grasp,

[00:04:09.58 -> 00:04:13.14] but grabbing a hold of them and like bringing them down

[00:04:13.14 -> 00:04:16.26] to earth for the rest of us mere mortals.

[00:04:16.26 -> 00:04:19.54] So that's Marla to me.

[00:04:19.54 -> 00:04:23.98] Wow, that's so phenomenal to receive.

[00:04:23.98 -> 00:04:27.86] I'm gonna listen to that a few times.

[00:04:27.86 -> 00:04:29.86] Yeah, I was thinking too, you know, the other thing,

[00:04:29.86 -> 00:04:32.38] I'm just like, load a front loading y'all,

[00:04:32.38 -> 00:04:34.78] because I don't want to forget to say this.

[00:04:34.78 -> 00:04:38.94] Another huge gift that Marla gave me

[00:04:38.94 -> 00:04:41.82] was teaching the concept of consent

[00:04:42.78 -> 00:04:45.42] as it relates to relationships.

[00:04:45.42 -> 00:04:46.66] And like we may talk about this later,

[00:04:46.66 -> 00:04:48.54] but in case we don't get to it,

[00:04:48.54 -> 00:04:50.38] I learned from Marla y'all

[00:04:51.70 -> 00:04:56.70] to ask someone's consent before you like vomit your truth

[00:04:56.78 -> 00:04:59.90] or advise or whatever it is all over them.

[00:04:59.90 -> 00:05:01.90] Before Marla, I definitely did not do that.

[00:05:01.90 -> 00:05:04.22] If I knew something or thought something was true

[00:05:04.22 -> 00:05:09.22] or recognize something or deduce something or whatever.

[00:05:09.22 -> 00:05:10.98] It's like I thought I had a free pass

[00:05:10.98 -> 00:05:14.30] to just barge on through the middle of whatever the situation is.

[00:05:14.30 -> 00:05:16.82] The person was to say it.

[00:05:16.82 -> 00:05:19.54] And Marla helped teach me to instead say like,

[00:05:19.54 -> 00:05:21.68] okay, let's say I had some truth about Marla

[00:05:22.78 -> 00:05:24.34] and that I needed to share with her.

[00:05:24.34 -> 00:05:29.18] Either amazing or terrible or whatever the thing would be.

[00:05:29.18 -> 00:05:31.34] So I would say something like, hey Marla,

[00:05:31.34 -> 00:05:34.18] are you open to me sharing this thought I had

[00:05:34.18 -> 00:05:41.14] whatever it is. You just do this question and you respect the answer. If it's a clean yes,

[00:05:41.14 -> 00:05:48.74] you move forward. If it's, uh, well, um, yeah, that's not a clean yes. So we've done a mushy yes.

[00:05:48.74 -> 00:05:54.50] Right. It's a mushy. Yes. And we don't proceed through the mushy. Yes. And this happened a couple

[00:05:54.50 -> 00:06:01.38] different times in my life where I spoke in something that that what it was true. What I was saying

[00:06:01.38 -> 00:06:08.08] was true and the person was not ready to receive that information and it was

[00:06:08.08 -> 00:06:13.46] hurtful to them it was too much for them and it hurt our relationship and that

[00:06:13.46 -> 00:06:18.90] to my recollection is really the last time I've proceeded forward like a

[00:06:18.90 -> 00:06:24.90] bull in a shina shop with truth instead of stopping to ask for consent and

[00:06:24.90 -> 00:06:30.00] like y'all this single tiny little thing in case you're anything like me and

[00:06:30.00 -> 00:06:32.84] And you got a lot of things to say.

[00:06:32.84 -> 00:06:34.72] And you got a lot of advice.

[00:06:34.72 -> 00:06:37.56] And maybe you've learned a bit in your life

[00:06:37.56 -> 00:06:41.68] stopping to ask the other person their consent

[00:06:41.68 -> 00:06:42.60] is a game changer.

[00:06:42.60 -> 00:06:44.44] But I don't know if you wanna say anything else about that.

[00:06:44.44 -> 00:06:45.92] It was just like I have to make sure

[00:06:45.92 -> 00:06:46.92] that people hear this.

[00:06:46.92 -> 00:06:48.72] Some people want to be like, I roll,

[00:06:48.72 -> 00:06:50.28] like how could I even ever come up?

[00:06:50.28 -> 00:06:52.48] But it's changed my life.

[00:06:52.48 -> 00:06:55.84] The impact of that cannot be overstated, really, really.

[00:06:55.84 -> 00:06:57.20] I love that you're bringing this up

[00:06:57.20 -> 00:07:02.20] because it ties into relationships in so many ways.

[00:07:05.76 -> 00:07:09.96] We don't even realize when we care about somebody

[00:07:09.96 -> 00:07:14.16] or when we notice something and we wanna help someone,

[00:07:14.16 -> 00:07:16.28] our first instinct is to just go for it,

[00:07:16.28 -> 00:07:18.72] to just help, especially those of us

[00:07:18.72 -> 00:07:20.96] who are in service based fields.

[00:07:22.40 -> 00:07:25.20] However, when we don't consider the landing,

[00:07:25.20 -> 00:07:26.72] meaning we don't consider,

[00:07:26.72 -> 00:07:30.12] How is what I'm going to share going to land for this person?

[00:07:30.12 -> 00:07:32.08] How are they going to receive it?

[00:07:32.08 -> 00:07:40.20] I know for myself, if I have low energy or I'm on my way to go to bed or I'm just waking

[00:07:40.20 -> 00:07:46.44] up or I just had a hard conversation with someone, I'm less receptive to someone's input

[00:07:46.44 -> 00:07:49.60] about me or my life or what I'm doing.

[00:07:49.60 -> 00:07:54.72] And then there's other times that I'm completely open and you know, consent, it doesn't

[00:07:54.72 -> 00:08:00.16] really matter we have ongoing consent anyway because we love one another, etc. However,

[00:08:00.16 -> 00:08:05.56] when we really practice, hey, are you available for some feedback? I really, I think this

[00:08:05.56 -> 00:08:10.32] might help you. And I could be wrong, you know, because that's another, you can take a couple

[00:08:10.32 -> 00:08:15.20] steps back. Like I have an idea for you and it might not work for you right now. There's

[00:08:15.20 -> 00:08:22.40] lots of different ways to ask for consent. When we practice it, it actually allows the help

[00:08:22.40 -> 00:08:27.20] we want to share to be really delivered and received.

[00:08:27.20 -> 00:08:32.20] Because when somebody has the ability to choose, yes or no,

[00:08:33.04 -> 00:08:34.60] yes, I want to hear that or no,

[00:08:34.60 -> 00:08:36.60] I don't really want to hear that right now.

[00:08:36.60 -> 00:08:38.72] You know, maybe another time.

[00:08:39.72 -> 00:08:42.68] And we can practice honesty with one another

[00:08:42.68 -> 00:08:46.88] that deepens the relationship faster than almost anything.

[00:08:46.88 -> 00:08:48.80] And let me tell you one quick story.

[00:08:48.80 -> 00:08:51.08] I was working with a social media expert.

[00:08:51.08 -> 00:08:58.28] they do great work and she was really intense and her intensity even more than you more than me even.

[00:08:58.28 -> 00:08:59.28] Okay.

[00:08:59.28 -> 00:09:00.28] That's the answer.

[00:09:00.28 -> 00:09:03.08] That's like high intensity.

[00:09:03.08 -> 00:09:08.92] And she had profound feedback for me and she asked me, can I share this feedback with you?

[00:09:08.92 -> 00:09:10.84] And I said yes.

[00:09:10.84 -> 00:09:16.80] And my preference is that you share it in an audio note to me as many audio notes as you

[00:09:16.80 -> 00:09:18.00] want.

[00:09:18.00 -> 00:09:22.68] then I will guarantee you I will listen to them within the next 72 hours.

[00:09:23.60 -> 00:09:28.52] And I'm so glad I did that because when I listened to her messages,

[00:09:29.12 -> 00:09:30.92] I had to pause a number of times.

[00:09:30.96 -> 00:09:34.92] I cried. Her feedback was profound and hard to hear.

[00:09:34.92 -> 00:09:41.88] And also her tone of voice is not as welcoming and loving and kind and soft as,

[00:09:41.92 -> 00:09:46.36] as I tend to need when I'm, you know, having a little bit of a hard time receiving

[00:09:46.36 -> 00:09:52.96] feedback. So it allowed me to pause, get a hold of myself, you know, in fact, listen

[00:09:52.96 -> 00:09:58.20] to it my sweetheart Julian, you know, to have support with me while I was listening and

[00:09:58.20 -> 00:09:59.96] be able to talk it through, et cetera.

[00:10:00.00 -> 00:10:06.28] So there's so many ways that we can say yes from our heart and really be open and practice

[00:10:06.28 -> 00:10:08.88] saying a clear yes or a clear no.

[00:10:08.88 -> 00:10:15.56] So when I think I was just remembering different phases of my life and I was in the middle

[00:10:15.56 -> 00:10:17.68] of what we call divorce land here, right?

[00:10:17.68 -> 00:10:20.20] Like in the middle of the thick of the muck of it.

[00:10:20.20 -> 00:10:24.24] This concept, I don't know how much I would have stuck with me, but if someone would have

[00:10:24.24 -> 00:10:33.36] explained it to me, you can probably ladies find spots where your consent is not sought.

[00:10:33.36 -> 00:10:37.76] You can notice the absence of this happening to you.

[00:10:37.76 -> 00:10:41.88] And it's probably something that really hurts you and pisses you off.

[00:10:41.88 -> 00:10:46.24] Like you don't know that what's happening is that you didn't consent to the situation.

[00:10:46.24 -> 00:10:52.24] Like when your ex informs you that or your current husband or whatever, right, that

[00:10:52.24 -> 00:10:53.84] you're thinking of maybe leaving.

[00:10:53.84 -> 00:11:00.24] that, oh, he's invited his entire family over for Christmas again.

[00:11:00.24 -> 00:11:04.48] And they were just here at Thanksgiving and didn't talk with you first, right?

[00:11:04.48 -> 00:11:08.48] Maybe you're okay if they come.

[00:11:08.48 -> 00:11:12.68] But if it feels sticky, even if you're like otherwise okay,

[00:11:12.68 -> 00:11:17.60] what your issue likely is, is that he didn't get your consent first.

[00:11:17.60 -> 00:11:22.28] And so it's like all of these micro ways that a lack of consent.

[00:11:22.28 -> 00:11:26.20] you hear that you're like thinking of lack of like consent to have sex with like teenagers,

[00:11:26.20 -> 00:11:28.84] you know, that's like how my brain goes to it when I hear it first.

[00:11:30.28 -> 00:11:39.48] But this consent issue, I think, really, if someone were to study like the Gottman's or somebody,

[00:11:39.48 -> 00:11:45.08] you know, smart and fancy, I bet they would see in marriages that don't work.

[00:11:45.08 -> 00:11:50.08] a lot of just bamboozling through and not seeking consent.

[00:11:51.02 -> 00:11:53.28] I don't, what do you think, Marla?

[00:11:53.28 -> 00:11:55.34] I did, I have studied with the Gottman's

[00:11:55.34 -> 00:11:56.60] and they're fantastic.

[00:11:57.60 -> 00:12:01.24] I would say that when you don't have consent

[00:12:01.24 -> 00:12:04.20] in your relationship, what happens is

[00:12:04.20 -> 00:12:06.56] that's the beginning of resentment building.

[00:12:06.56 -> 00:12:09.04] Resentment is that sort of like,

[00:12:09.04 -> 00:12:10.80] oh, it's no big deal.

[00:12:10.80 -> 00:12:12.36] It's not that big of a deal.

[00:12:12.36 -> 00:12:13.56] It's just a little thing.

[00:12:13.56 -> 00:12:20.38] It's not worth even saying anything about like the fact that we avoid hard conversations

[00:12:20.38 -> 00:12:26.66] in our relationships is one of the reasons why we end up in this I need to get out.

[00:12:26.66 -> 00:12:33.54] And so if you start practicing asking for consent and if you have children, definitely

[00:12:33.54 -> 00:12:37.94] practice with the kids because how many times you just say go do this, go do that, go do

[00:12:37.94 -> 00:12:38.94] this, go do that.

[00:12:38.94 -> 00:12:40.74] I need you for this.

[00:12:40.74 -> 00:12:46.50] than, hey, can I get your attention for a couple minutes? I need to talk to you about something.

[00:12:46.50 -> 00:12:53.14] Hey, I need you to clean your room. When it is the best time for you to do that today,

[00:12:53.14 -> 00:12:57.30] you've got a window of two hours. It's going to take you at least 30 minutes. When do

[00:12:57.30 -> 00:13:02.34] you want to do it in that time? That's another form of consent, right? And with Zoe,

[00:13:02.34 -> 00:13:05.10] I'm her step Marla.

[00:13:05.10 -> 00:13:07.34] She's now 16.

[00:13:07.34 -> 00:13:11.66] One of the things that we have kind of come to an agreement on

[00:13:11.66 -> 00:13:13.98] is she doesn't like life lessons,

[00:13:13.98 -> 00:13:15.86] except for at certain times.

[00:13:15.86 -> 00:13:19.86] And so if I have like a really juicy life lesson for her,

[00:13:19.86 -> 00:13:23.54] I'll say, ooh, we're in a spot right now.

[00:13:23.54 -> 00:13:25.50] There's such a good life lesson.

[00:13:25.50 -> 00:13:27.10] Can I share it with you?

[00:13:27.10 -> 00:13:29.70] And she'll pause and she'll check in

[00:13:29.70 -> 00:13:34.20] And then she'll more often than not, 95% of the time.

[00:13:34.20 -> 00:13:36.10] She'll say, yes, go ahead.

[00:13:36.10 -> 00:13:37.30] And it better be short too.

[00:13:37.30 -> 00:13:39.94] Like it can't go on for 10 minutes.

[00:13:39.94 -> 00:13:41.24] But I'll just say the life lesson like,

[00:13:41.24 -> 00:13:43.70] oh, you know what, if you continue to do it like this,

[00:13:43.70 -> 00:13:45.84] you're probably gonna end up down on this path.

[00:13:45.84 -> 00:13:48.54] If you do this tiny little tweak right here

[00:13:48.54 -> 00:13:50.50] and you say it in a little bit of a different way,

[00:13:50.50 -> 00:13:52.10] it's probably gonna end up over here.

[00:13:52.10 -> 00:13:54.94] That's all, you know, just a little life lesson,

[00:13:54.94 -> 00:13:57.70] but I get consent to share it.

[00:13:57.70 -> 00:14:02.70] so that what happens, it's received at a deeper level,

[00:14:02.94 -> 00:14:04.14] which is what we really want.

[00:14:04.14 -> 00:14:08.66] We wanna feel received by the people who love us

[00:14:08.66 -> 00:14:09.98] and care about us in our lives,

[00:14:09.98 -> 00:14:14.98] and divorce tends to crop up when we are not being received.

[00:14:15.10 -> 00:14:18.30] They, and you also can't receive them.

[00:14:18.30 -> 00:14:19.58] You don't wanna receive them.

[00:14:19.58 -> 00:14:24.14] I remember when I was in the process of getting a divorce,

[00:14:24.14 -> 00:14:28.06] and it was like, I didn't want to be touched by him.

[00:14:28.06 -> 00:14:30.14] I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him.

[00:14:30.14 -> 00:14:32.26] We moved into him into the other room.

[00:14:32.26 -> 00:14:35.90] You know, it was like, I didn't want to receive him anymore

[00:14:35.90 -> 00:14:39.58] in any capacity really, except for to move this forward

[00:14:39.58 -> 00:14:41.66] in as much of a peaceful way as we could.

[00:14:41.66 -> 00:14:46.66] So consent is like one of those little micro tools

[00:14:46.66 -> 00:14:49.42] that if you put it in place now,

[00:14:49.42 -> 00:14:52.62] the whole trajectory of your experience,

[00:14:52.62 -> 00:14:54.76] Whether you stay married, whether you go,

[00:14:54.76 -> 00:14:56.40] whether you start a new business,

[00:14:56.40 -> 00:14:57.90] whether you, whatever you decide to do,

[00:14:57.90 -> 00:15:02.90] it's gonna soften and pave the road in a real smooth way.

[00:15:03.00 -> 00:15:04.14] And you'll start noticing,

[00:15:04.14 -> 00:15:05.38] I think you started to mention this.

[00:15:05.38 -> 00:15:07.86] You'll start noticing where other people don't ask

[00:15:07.86 -> 00:15:08.70] for consent.

[00:15:08.70 -> 00:15:09.54] And you're gonna be like,

[00:15:09.54 -> 00:15:12.28] ooh, it feels a little abrasive.

[00:15:12.28 -> 00:15:13.28] A little abrasive.

[00:15:13.28 -> 00:15:16.34] I was thinking what consent is asking for

[00:15:16.34 -> 00:15:18.44] and what it communicates is,

[00:15:18.44 -> 00:15:21.48] I respect your boundaries for yourself.

[00:15:22.62 -> 00:15:27.62] And when I ask for your consent to share something,

[00:15:27.62 -> 00:15:31.98] if you say no and I don't perceive,

[00:15:31.98 -> 00:15:33.86] I've communicated to you,

[00:15:33.86 -> 00:15:37.42] I respect that your edge is here, right?

[00:15:37.42 -> 00:15:41.74] And what more respect I think we're so used to,

[00:15:41.74 -> 00:15:43.58] at least as women and women in this,

[00:15:43.58 -> 00:15:46.94] you know, divorcee situations, like our boundary

[00:15:46.94 -> 00:15:49.90] and our edge, our no, not being respected,

[00:15:49.90 -> 00:15:52.26] to the point that we often don't even say it anymore.

[00:15:52.26 -> 00:15:54.14] Like we don't even know where our boundary is

[00:15:54.14 -> 00:15:56.70] because no one's given two shits in forever.

[00:15:56.70 -> 00:15:58.94] They just want the most they can get out of us.

[00:15:58.94 -> 00:16:01.10] Our kids want the most they can get out of us.

[00:16:01.10 -> 00:16:02.98] Our husbands want the most they can get out of us.

[00:16:02.98 -> 00:16:04.74] Our jobs, everything else.

[00:16:04.74 -> 00:16:06.94] And so you said to a microthink, man,

[00:16:06.94 -> 00:16:10.62] I have to tell you, I think that this is one of the

[00:16:10.62 -> 00:16:15.62] most fundamental shifts in my life experience.

[00:16:15.62 -> 00:16:19.42] Because also once you start to do this for other people,

[00:16:19.42 -> 00:16:22.98] If you could, ladies, like even in your current marriage,

[00:16:22.98 -> 00:16:26.22] like you've got some issue with your husband, look, hey,

[00:16:26.22 -> 00:16:28.34] try this.

[00:16:28.34 -> 00:16:31.62] Hey, there was something I kind of want to talk to you about

[00:16:31.62 -> 00:16:32.74] is now a good time?

[00:16:32.74 -> 00:16:34.98] Are you available to have like what could be

[00:16:34.98 -> 00:16:37.58] a little bit of a prickly conversation?

[00:16:37.58 -> 00:16:39.86] What if you asked like that?

[00:16:39.86 -> 00:16:43.22] And if he said, hmm, not right now, I'm tired.

[00:16:44.46 -> 00:16:45.30] Yeah, okay.

[00:16:45.30 -> 00:16:47.66] I'd say, great, thanks for letting me know.

[00:16:47.66 -> 00:16:49.98] Let me know when you are available.

[00:16:49.98 -> 00:16:50.82] It's important to me.

[00:16:50.82 -> 00:16:53.62] So sometime in the next few days will be great.

[00:16:53.62 -> 00:16:54.28] Right.

[00:16:54.28 -> 00:16:58.50] And respecting his no, and not just launching straight into,

[00:16:58.50 -> 00:17:03.54] I can't believe, I mean, one outcome could be

[00:17:03.54 -> 00:17:05.86] that he receives it better, right?

[00:17:05.86 -> 00:17:09.18] That you do catch him at a really difficult time.

[00:17:09.18 -> 00:17:11.50] And all of us have different pluses and minuses

[00:17:11.50 -> 00:17:14.82] in our days of like wins a good time to catch us.

[00:17:14.82 -> 00:17:15.82] Maybe that's it.

[00:17:15.82 -> 00:17:19.12] Maybe there's a world where he does say like the next morning,

[00:17:19.12 -> 00:17:21.42] hey, I wanted to circle back with you.

[00:17:21.42 -> 00:17:22.66] You said there's something you want to talk to me about,

[00:17:22.66 -> 00:17:24.22] like what's going on, right?

[00:17:24.22 -> 00:17:25.66] Now that's one option.

[00:17:25.66 -> 00:17:28.70] Another option may be, now I don't want to talk about that.

[00:17:28.70 -> 00:17:31.26] And then he never ever follows up, right?

[00:17:31.26 -> 00:17:33.18] And you try again and it's still a note.

[00:17:33.18 -> 00:17:35.58] Well, that's some information that you can use.

[00:17:35.58 -> 00:17:38.54] When you exercise this with him,

[00:17:38.54 -> 00:17:41.78] with your children, with your employees,

[00:17:41.78 -> 00:17:46.28] with your coworkers, your family.

[00:17:46.28 -> 00:17:48.18] What I think you're doing Marla,

[00:17:48.18 -> 00:17:50.82] like the indirect effect of this,

[00:17:50.82 -> 00:17:54.38] is you are sharpening your own boundaries

[00:17:54.38 -> 00:17:56.70] and your own requirement for consent.

[00:17:56.70 -> 00:18:00.70] While I respect yours, I'm upholding my own.

[00:18:00.70 -> 00:18:01.54] My own boundary,

[00:18:01.54 -> 00:18:04.62] I'm thinking about this, my containment boundary of myself.

[00:18:04.62 -> 00:18:07.90] Cause I'm, ooh, I got a hot truth to bring to you.

[00:18:07.90 -> 00:18:10.18] And if I respect your no,

[00:18:10.18 -> 00:18:18.62] I've held my own energy in in a way that builds my own self-respect and what I think will

[00:18:18.62 -> 00:18:25.78] happen y'all as you do this at least is what happened for me is that in in the future

[00:18:25.78 -> 00:18:33.26] as you start to practice giving this you will start to notice it and be aware of it and

[00:18:33.26 -> 00:18:34.90] want to receive it.

[00:18:34.90 -> 00:18:41.56] And so what it can do is show you and look, careful for asking for the truth and for

[00:18:41.56 -> 00:18:44.36] sight because you may see.

[00:18:44.36 -> 00:18:50.10] But you may start to see all the areas where you are not being respected, where you're

[00:18:50.10 -> 00:18:54.58] consistent whether a director or indirectly is not being sought, where your boundaries are

[00:18:54.58 -> 00:18:56.34] being trampled on.

[00:18:56.34 -> 00:19:03.24] And as you do that, it really sharpens you as a woman and a person in ways that I'm only

[00:19:03.24 -> 00:19:05.40] starting to fully see now years later.

[00:19:05.40 -> 00:19:08.72] Because now, definitely, like even with Drew,

[00:19:08.72 -> 00:19:11.96] my husband right now, if he does or says like,

[00:19:11.96 -> 00:19:13.56] hey, I did not consent to that.

[00:19:13.56 -> 00:19:16.08] Like I will say, those are the words will come out of my mouth.

[00:19:16.08 -> 00:19:17.88] It doesn't really come up much with Drew, okay?

[00:19:17.88 -> 00:19:18.72] We'll be fair.

[00:19:18.72 -> 00:19:22.00] But with other people or friends or coworkers or whatever,

[00:19:22.00 -> 00:19:25.04] I did not agree that I did not agree.

[00:19:25.04 -> 00:19:28.64] And what I'm saying is my own internal flag

[00:19:28.64 -> 00:19:31.84] on my own internal boundary that I've practiced.

[00:19:31.84 -> 00:19:35.12] And I started practicing taking care of my boundaries

[00:19:35.12 -> 00:19:36.48] by first taking care of your,

[00:19:36.48 -> 00:19:39.00] it's like it was easier to take care of your boundaries.

[00:19:39.00 -> 00:19:41.08] The other people's boundaries first.

[00:19:41.08 -> 00:19:43.56] And then that helped teach me about mine

[00:19:43.56 -> 00:19:46.00] and notice when other people weren't doing the same thing

[00:19:46.00 -> 00:19:46.84] for me.

[00:19:46.84 -> 00:19:48.88] Because I make the wrong thing, you make sense?

[00:19:48.88 -> 00:19:51.80] Yeah, it's a huge awareness tool.

[00:19:51.80 -> 00:19:56.80] So what you're mentioning really beautifully

[00:19:57.28 -> 00:20:00.16] is how it turns the light of awareness.

[00:20:00.00 -> 00:20:07.76] on in you about communication, about what do I want to say, how do I want to say it,

[00:20:07.76 -> 00:20:13.52] when do I want to say it, and then noticing is this person even receptive? Are they looking at me?

[00:20:13.52 -> 00:20:18.00] I mean, I can't tell you how many entrepreneurial couples that I've worked with over the decades,

[00:20:18.00 -> 00:20:23.68] where one of the biggest issues is somebody's working and the other person comes in and just

[00:20:23.68 -> 00:20:29.20] starts talking and asking questions or talking about dinner or plans later, and the other person

[00:20:29.20 -> 00:20:31.72] is like, hello, I'm working right now.

[00:20:31.72 -> 00:20:33.12] I'm in the middle of a spreadsheet.

[00:20:33.12 -> 00:20:34.12] Loretta, yeah.

[00:20:34.12 -> 00:20:35.60] Yeah, I'm in the middle of something right now.

[00:20:35.60 -> 00:20:37.96] You know, or the kid comes in the same thing.

[00:20:37.96 -> 00:20:40.72] And it's like, and that me, me, me, me.

[00:20:40.72 -> 00:20:44.64] If we pause long enough and we consider consent,

[00:20:44.64 -> 00:20:45.68] we just consider it.

[00:20:45.68 -> 00:20:50.56] Like, do I have consent to interrupt the flow

[00:20:50.56 -> 00:20:53.84] of this other person's experience right now?

[00:20:53.84 -> 00:20:57.92] This person is in a flow state in getting their work done,

[00:20:57.92 -> 00:21:02.92] or working on the dinner or watching a movie, you know, something.

[00:21:03.32 -> 00:21:10.32] Can I interrupt and ask for consent and then pause long enough to receive the answer,

[00:21:10.40 -> 00:21:14.24] the response? I mean, that takes a lot of awareness.

[00:21:14.48 -> 00:21:19.96] So it's a, it's a refinement of becoming more and more aware of your environment,

[00:21:19.96 -> 00:21:22.96] of your people, of how you're expressing.

[00:21:22.96 -> 00:21:27.96] And can you optimize how you communicate

[00:21:28.26 -> 00:21:31.48] to get the best outcome possible, right?

[00:21:31.48 -> 00:21:34.44] So like, if you really care about something

[00:21:34.44 -> 00:21:36.20] and you wanna share it with someone

[00:21:36.20 -> 00:21:38.72] that you're hoping for a certain response,

[00:21:38.72 -> 00:21:40.52] you're hoping for a yes,

[00:21:40.52 -> 00:21:43.88] you're hoping for a, oh, that sounds great.

[00:21:43.88 -> 00:21:45.48] Wouldn't you want to set it up

[00:21:45.48 -> 00:21:49.84] for the best successful option available?

[00:21:49.84 -> 00:21:51.72] Well, consent.

[00:21:51.72 -> 00:21:54.08] Practice using consent.

[00:21:54.08 -> 00:21:55.76] And by the way, if somebody says no,

[00:21:55.76 -> 00:21:56.96] here's another great thing.

[00:21:56.96 -> 00:21:58.96] Thank you technology.

[00:21:58.96 -> 00:22:00.92] If they say no, I don't want to do their in-eau,

[00:22:00.92 -> 00:22:03.92] you do your very best to just be kind and gracious,

[00:22:03.92 -> 00:22:07.40] receive that no, and say thank you for letting me know.

[00:22:07.40 -> 00:22:09.64] Not my preference, but I really appreciate you letting me

[00:22:09.64 -> 00:22:10.48] know you're not.

[00:22:10.48 -> 00:22:10.96] Yes, right now.

[00:22:10.96 -> 00:22:12.80] Let me know if that changes are when.

[00:22:12.80 -> 00:22:17.16] And then you go in the other room, and you record an audio note,

[00:22:17.16 -> 00:22:20.40] describing exactly what you wanted to say,

[00:22:21.40 -> 00:22:25.00] and you get it out because if you have to hold that in,

[00:22:25.00 -> 00:22:26.76] that's gonna be suppression,

[00:22:26.76 -> 00:22:29.80] and that's gonna lead to the volcanic expression

[00:22:29.80 -> 00:22:31.44] that tends to come out when you don't get to say

[00:22:31.44 -> 00:22:32.48] what you need to say.

[00:22:32.48 -> 00:22:35.24] Or it goes inside, it goes into our jaw,

[00:22:35.24 -> 00:22:38.28] into all of our unspoken words back here.

[00:22:38.28 -> 00:22:40.92] It goes into jaw pain, which goes into neck pain,

[00:22:40.92 -> 00:22:42.68] which goes into headaches, right?

[00:22:42.68 -> 00:22:44.48] And this is how we create pain in our bodies

[00:22:44.48 -> 00:22:45.60] when we withhold.

[00:22:45.60 -> 00:22:50.96] So if they say no, no problem, and you go that and you express it.

[00:22:50.96 -> 00:22:55.04] And first, you can do it ugly, nasty, horrible.

[00:22:55.04 -> 00:22:56.84] And then you can delete that one.

[00:22:56.84 -> 00:23:00.84] And then do the next one where you're like, oh, here's what I really wanted to say.

[00:23:00.84 -> 00:23:03.32] And I'm so glad you're able to listen now.

[00:23:03.32 -> 00:23:05.04] Then here's the cool thing.

[00:23:05.04 -> 00:23:08.80] When they're ready, either you can listen to your own audio to remind yourself

[00:23:08.80 -> 00:23:10.08] of what you cared about so much.

[00:23:10.08 -> 00:23:13.84] Or you can say, can I just send you the audio that I made at the moment

[00:23:13.84 -> 00:23:16.04] that I wanted to share this with you.

[00:23:16.04 -> 00:23:19.80] And now they can listen to the audio on their own time.

[00:23:19.80 -> 00:23:22.60] So their nervous system can just be relaxed

[00:23:22.60 -> 00:23:23.56] as they're listening.

[00:23:23.56 -> 00:23:25.56] They can press pause like I did

[00:23:25.56 -> 00:23:28.60] when I got that feedback from my social media person.

[00:23:28.60 -> 00:23:29.44] Right?

[00:23:29.44 -> 00:23:31.88] And now you're creating intimacy

[00:23:31.88 -> 00:23:34.08] without even being present in the same room

[00:23:34.08 -> 00:23:34.92] with one another.

[00:23:34.92 -> 00:23:36.84] This is why it doesn't matter if you're in the same room

[00:23:36.84 -> 00:23:39.56] or you're distant, you know, virtual, it doesn't matter.

[00:23:39.56 -> 00:23:42.20] You can still build deep, deep intimacy

[00:23:42.20 -> 00:23:44.72] through the way you communicate.

[00:23:44.72 -> 00:23:48.40] Yeah, it's powerful y'all, wherever you might be.

[00:23:48.40 -> 00:23:50.20] It's just a good life lesson I'll learn.

[00:23:50.20 -> 00:23:52.24] I mean, I even pick up the phone to call somebody at work

[00:23:52.24 -> 00:23:54.76] and say, hey, is now a good time.

[00:23:54.76 -> 00:23:56.52] Hey, do you have a second?

[00:23:56.52 -> 00:23:58.76] And then if they say, I'm actually in the middle of the,

[00:23:58.76 -> 00:24:01.00] okay, then I just, even today I asked a question,

[00:24:01.00 -> 00:24:02.84] like, oh, well, can we do that this afternoon?

[00:24:02.84 -> 00:24:05.72] Actually, today is tight, dada, oh, okay, no problem.

[00:24:05.72 -> 00:24:08.84] So I think that's one very practical tool

[00:24:08.84 -> 00:24:12.36] We will love to hear from you all practicing consent

[00:24:12.36 -> 00:24:16.00] in your own life and seeing how that can kind of play out.

[00:24:16.00 -> 00:24:18.60] Now say, can I just say a couple more things about it?

[00:24:18.60 -> 00:24:19.84] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:24:19.84 -> 00:24:24.12] Because even just the way you shared that consent question,

[00:24:24.12 -> 00:24:29.08] what it does is it helps us eliminate people pleasing.

[00:24:29.08 -> 00:24:32.04] Because when you say, hey, is now a good time,

[00:24:32.04 -> 00:24:34.92] they can turn around and check in on themselves.

[00:24:34.92 -> 00:24:35.76] Is this a good time?

[00:24:35.76 -> 00:24:37.32] Actually, it's really not.

[00:24:37.32 -> 00:24:39.56] Hannah's so sweet for asking me if it's a good time.

[00:24:39.56 -> 00:24:41.60] I'm gonna be honest with her.

[00:24:41.60 -> 00:24:45.72] I'm not gonna lie and say yes, it is a good time.

[00:24:45.72 -> 00:24:48.64] When it's not, you're giving me the opportunity

[00:24:48.64 -> 00:24:53.04] to be truthful and to claim what I need.

[00:24:53.04 -> 00:24:55.48] And that is so important as women.

[00:24:55.48 -> 00:24:59.68] We have a hard time saying no or I want this.

[00:24:59.68 -> 00:25:02.84] And so when we practice consent with one another,

[00:25:02.84 -> 00:25:05.08] it's that opportunity for us to be honest

[00:25:05.08 -> 00:25:07.24] and not people please and say yes

[00:25:07.24 -> 00:25:09.04] when we really mean no.

[00:25:09.04 -> 00:25:11.20] You know, okay, we're gonna have to go there.

[00:25:11.20 -> 00:25:14.28] So I guess what we're really doing on this episode

[00:25:14.28 -> 00:25:16.80] is like all the greatest hits of all of this stuff

[00:25:16.80 -> 00:25:18.36] I've really learned from Marla.

[00:25:18.36 -> 00:25:21.04] And like I want y'all to have access to that.

[00:25:21.04 -> 00:25:23.08] It's things that I've learned.

[00:25:23.08 -> 00:25:26.84] They sound simple, they sound a little in BD.

[00:25:26.84 -> 00:25:27.72] And they're really.

[00:25:27.72 -> 00:25:28.56] No big deal.

[00:25:28.56 -> 00:25:30.52] Yeah, no big deal.

[00:25:30.52 -> 00:25:34.76] They've really been cornerstones of a change.

[00:25:34.76 -> 00:25:37.76] And I think in really an unbecoming,

[00:25:37.76 -> 00:25:41.80] like me shedding various layers

[00:25:41.80 -> 00:25:43.56] that I've developed over the years

[00:25:43.56 -> 00:25:45.80] to get down to that core self.

[00:25:45.80 -> 00:25:47.24] Divorce is one of the big things

[00:25:47.24 -> 00:25:49.76] that helps you shed a whole bunch of layers

[00:25:49.76 -> 00:25:51.24] if you let it.

[00:25:51.24 -> 00:25:55.16] And one of those other sort of Marla greatest hits

[00:25:55.16 -> 00:25:58.24] is her expression that people pleasing

[00:25:58.24 -> 00:26:00.96] is the highest form of lying.

[00:26:00.96 -> 00:26:03.48] And this one, when she first said that to me,

[00:26:03.48 -> 00:26:05.68] I was like, whatever, that is stupid.

[00:26:05.68 -> 00:26:06.52] I mean, that's what I thought.

[00:26:06.52 -> 00:26:07.36] Like that's dumb.

[00:26:07.36 -> 00:26:08.64] Wow, it is not lying.

[00:26:08.64 -> 00:26:10.60] And like, what are you talking about?

[00:26:10.60 -> 00:26:12.88] And I felt kind of annoyed and like, look,

[00:26:12.88 -> 00:26:17.88] the more annoyed you get at what someone's saying to you,

[00:26:18.00 -> 00:26:19.24] like, especially someone who's like,

[00:26:19.24 -> 00:26:20.72] wise and smart, like Marla,

[00:26:20.72 -> 00:26:21.80] the more you might wanna listen,

[00:26:21.80 -> 00:26:23.28] that's called getting triggered.

[00:26:23.28 -> 00:26:25.84] And it's a good idea of your trigger to listen up.

[00:26:25.84 -> 00:26:28.08] So Marla, could you talk to us a little bit

[00:26:29.28 -> 00:26:31.40] about people pleasing?

[00:26:31.40 -> 00:26:36.04] I mean, look, the majority of the women listed are this either, you know, before

[00:26:36.04 -> 00:26:40.44] during or after their marriage, have experienced this.

[00:26:40.44 -> 00:26:44.56] And I don't know if they know that when they're people pleasing, we're actually lying.

[00:26:44.56 -> 00:26:46.60] Can you talk to us about that?

[00:26:46.60 -> 00:26:47.60] Yeah.

[00:26:47.60 -> 00:26:48.60] Yeah.

[00:26:48.60 -> 00:26:56.32] So I'll share with you that I worked with this company, really beautiful conscious company.

[00:26:56.32 -> 00:26:59.12] And I come and I do executive coaching for the leadership team.

[00:26:59.12 -> 00:27:01.52] I work with a lot of leaders.

[00:27:01.52 -> 00:27:05.24] In my initial presentation, I do a PowerPoint.

[00:27:05.24 -> 00:27:06.96] It's a virtual experience.

[00:27:06.96 -> 00:27:11.54] One of the slides in there is people

[00:27:11.54 -> 00:27:14.16] pleasing is the highest form of line.

[00:27:14.16 -> 00:27:16.00] It's always in there.

[00:27:16.00 -> 00:27:19.72] I like to bring that in because it

[00:27:19.72 -> 00:27:21.40] brings in a great discussion around it.

[00:27:21.40 -> 00:27:24.80] I was working with this company.

[00:27:24.80 -> 00:27:27.16] I did that presentation, initial presentation,

[00:27:27.16 -> 00:27:29.68] and then I had meeting with the CEO next.

[00:27:29.68 -> 00:27:31.40] And so like a couple days later,

[00:27:31.40 -> 00:27:33.58] I had my meeting with him and he said,

[00:27:34.52 -> 00:27:39.52] Marla, I'm resigning and it's because of something you said.

[00:27:40.68 -> 00:27:42.40] And I was like, on the inside, I was like,

[00:27:42.40 -> 00:27:47.40] oh boy, what did I say that's making this CEO want to resign.

[00:27:48.40 -> 00:27:50.44] You know, I'm freaking out on the inside going like,

[00:27:50.44 -> 00:27:53.08] ooh, did I just throw a haymaker here?

[00:27:53.08 -> 00:27:56.44] And then I composed myself and got calm and oh,

[00:27:56.44 -> 00:27:59.44] Tell me what, you know, what was it that I said?

[00:27:59.44 -> 00:28:03.84] And he said, people pleasing is the highest form of lying.

[00:28:03.84 -> 00:28:08.56] And I didn't realize that I was lying

[00:28:08.56 -> 00:28:10.86] to the founder of the company

[00:28:10.86 -> 00:28:14.56] because I actually don't wanna be in this position.

[00:28:14.56 -> 00:28:16.16] What most of the people in the company

[00:28:16.16 -> 00:28:18.76] don't know is my wife is sick with cancer.

[00:28:18.76 -> 00:28:22.56] I wanna spend all my time free time with her.

[00:28:22.56 -> 00:28:27.56] I want to work in a established company, not in a startup.

[00:28:28.42 -> 00:28:31.66] I'm working 14 hour days and I'm missing all this time.

[00:28:31.66 -> 00:28:33.74] And because I love the founder,

[00:28:33.74 -> 00:28:36.82] I love his work, his products are amazing.

[00:28:36.82 -> 00:28:38.26] I want to be part of this,

[00:28:38.26 -> 00:28:41.98] but I've been lying to myself and lying to him.

[00:28:41.98 -> 00:28:46.14] And so I'm resigning because of it.

[00:28:46.14 -> 00:28:51.14] And so it's like understanding that when we care so much

[00:28:52.56 -> 00:28:59.28] much and we want good things for people. This is why I say it's the highest form of lying.

[00:28:59.28 -> 00:29:05.68] It's still, if we think of lying as a spectrum and we think of little tiny white lies,

[00:29:05.68 -> 00:29:11.20] like does this make me look fat, you know, kind of a thing. Like I never asked that question.

[00:29:11.20 -> 00:29:16.00] But that little type of question, you go, no, maybe you look great, right? All the way

[00:29:16.00 -> 00:29:19.84] to intentional, malicious deception.

[00:29:19.84 -> 00:29:20.84] It's a spectrum.

[00:29:20.84 -> 00:29:26.84] And when we're on that spectrum of lying and we're not dedicated to truth in our lives,

[00:29:26.84 -> 00:29:32.88] and we're even at that highest form of lying of people pleasing, it's still the vibration,

[00:29:32.88 -> 00:29:35.88] the frequency of deception.

[00:29:35.88 -> 00:29:42.40] And whenever we have deception present, meaning I want to say no to this, because I want

[00:29:42.40 -> 00:29:44.08] to spend time with my wife.

[00:29:44.08 -> 00:29:48.32] However, I can't because I'm dedicated to this and I've said yes.

[00:29:48.32 -> 00:29:50.84] So now I have an inner conflict.

[00:29:50.84 -> 00:29:52.72] And then what happens?

[00:29:52.72 -> 00:29:58.52] What happens is part of this guy's energy was always going towards that inner conflict

[00:29:58.52 -> 00:30:00.12] and trying to do good job.

[00:30:00.00 -> 00:30:04.64] but kind of doing a half job because wanting to do something else.

[00:30:04.64 -> 00:30:11.28] So we bent time, so instead of him staying for another year and maybe having a slower start to

[00:30:11.28 -> 00:30:18.40] the company, we compressed time on that. We call that time bending. He left and the founder took

[00:30:18.40 -> 00:30:24.24] over as CEO and that was the greatest choice because that's what needed to happen to actually

[00:30:24.24 -> 00:30:32.42] really launch that company big and they're doing fantastic. So the lying piece, nobody

[00:30:32.42 -> 00:30:37.14] wants to think of themselves as a liar. Nobody does. And this is why if you can look

[00:30:37.14 -> 00:30:42.72] at straight in the face and the next time you catch yourself saying yes, when you really

[00:30:42.72 -> 00:30:50.76] want to say no, I want you to say to yourself, I'm lying right now. In fact, I'm a liar.

[00:30:50.76 -> 00:30:55.76] Let yourself feel the truth of, oh, shit, I'm a liar.

[00:30:55.76 -> 00:30:57.76] I am lying right now.

[00:30:57.76 -> 00:30:59.76] And then if you can actually say it out loud, like,

[00:30:59.76 -> 00:31:00.76] oops, I just lied.

[00:31:00.76 -> 00:31:03.76] I said yes to going to dinner tonight.

[00:31:03.76 -> 00:31:05.76] Actually, you know what?

[00:31:05.76 -> 00:31:06.76] I do not want to go.

[00:31:06.76 -> 00:31:10.76] I want to stay at home in my fuzzy robe and my cozy socks

[00:31:10.76 -> 00:31:13.76] and my fireplace and my cozy book.

[00:31:13.76 -> 00:31:15.76] And so I'm going to say no.

[00:31:15.76 -> 00:31:17.76] And I'm going to deal with the consequences of saying no.

[00:31:17.76 -> 00:31:19.76] I hope you understand.

[00:31:19.76 -> 00:31:26.72] the different experience. Again, boundary setting. I don't talk necessarily about like I teach

[00:31:26.72 -> 00:31:35.52] boundary setting. However, everything I do is about having clarity around where do I end and you

[00:31:35.52 -> 00:31:43.20] begin? Where do my needs and desires and wants and hopes and expectations? Where do those end and

[00:31:43.20 -> 00:31:48.24] yours begin and how do we navigate all of that together?

[00:31:48.24 -> 00:31:56.04] So we're not just contributing to that extractive model of business and life and relationship.

[00:31:56.04 -> 00:32:01.72] We want to do more of what my friend Jackie calls the regenerative leadership model where

[00:32:01.72 -> 00:32:08.04] it's not just sustainable where it's meeting the exact needs, it's regenerative where

[00:32:08.04 -> 00:32:09.96] you get surplus.

[00:32:09.96 -> 00:32:16.04] And when you live in surplus, then you can give freely to others not from self-sacrifice,

[00:32:16.04 -> 00:32:18.48] but actually from living in surplus.

[00:32:18.48 -> 00:32:20.16] It's a different experience.

[00:32:20.16 -> 00:32:25.24] Well, and I think just like thinking about what this would look like, you know, yeah, the

[00:32:25.24 -> 00:32:34.08] CEO example, but I'm thinking about women, I mean, in general, for the average bear, including

[00:32:34.08 -> 00:32:39.92] me, you know, when's the last time you really checked in of whether you want to

[00:32:39.92 -> 00:32:45.52] to do a thing or not, right? Because I think that there's, I could hear people's brains just

[00:32:45.52 -> 00:32:50.80] thinking like, but what about the intersection of responsibility? Like, do I want to do the dishes?

[00:32:50.80 -> 00:32:55.60] No. But yeah, I'll do them because, you know, because we're using

[00:32:55.60 -> 00:33:00.40] a great example. This is one of those perfect examples, okay? And dishes, that's a thing in our

[00:33:00.40 -> 00:33:05.84] house too. Okay. So I think every house has the dishes issue. Nobody wants to do this. Very few

[00:33:05.84 -> 00:33:10.36] people. I'll say some people really I have a friend who her husband like loves doing

[00:33:10.36 -> 00:33:15.16] the dishes every night. It's his nighttime routine. God bless them. Okay. That's not what's

[00:33:15.16 -> 00:33:22.36] happening in our house. Okay. So here's the thing. Hey, fam, whether it's on text or

[00:33:22.36 -> 00:33:28.28] whether it's in person, dishes need to be done. I really don't want to do them. I'm

[00:33:28.28 -> 00:33:34.40] like a one out of 10 for wanting to do them. Is there anyone who has a higher number

[00:33:34.40 -> 00:33:37.52] than a one who's willing to do the dishes right now.

[00:33:37.52 -> 00:33:39.32] And if I'm the only one,

[00:33:39.32 -> 00:33:40.86] and everybody's at a point five,

[00:33:42.76 -> 00:33:45.56] then I will do them because I care about getting them done.

[00:33:45.56 -> 00:33:48.48] I want them done, I don't wanna see them in the morning.

[00:33:48.48 -> 00:33:52.72] You know, so I will rally, but I will let it be known.

[00:33:52.72 -> 00:33:56.68] I'm doing something and using my energy to do this

[00:33:56.68 -> 00:33:59.60] when I would much rather be doing other things.

[00:33:59.60 -> 00:34:02.08] And so these are, we've also talked about ways

[00:34:02.08 -> 00:34:09.08] to contribute to the bank of our family, the union of our family, and make deposits in

[00:34:09.08 -> 00:34:13.46] the bank of our family and some of those are doing chores around the house that nobody

[00:34:13.46 -> 00:34:18.40] wants to do. But we want to live in a nice house and have a great experience here. So

[00:34:18.40 -> 00:34:25.00] that's one of the ways that I handle that personally is I make it known, this is a chore

[00:34:25.00 -> 00:34:31.36] that needs to be done. I don't really want to do it. I will do it. Can anybody else step

[00:34:31.36 -> 00:34:36.36] been and do this. And more often than not, they will. Somebody will in the house. And there's

[00:34:36.36 -> 00:34:40.76] only two other choices here. And also we know weekly we have a housekeeper that comes and

[00:34:40.76 -> 00:34:45.96] is always going to like do all the good things. So, you know, that's a, that's a luxury.

[00:34:45.96 -> 00:34:50.24] But when you don't have other people to do these things, it's about being transparent

[00:34:50.24 -> 00:34:57.84] because if you're not resentment creeps in resentment, I have to do the dishes again and

[00:34:57.84 -> 00:35:02.64] again and again and then also by the way when you let other people in the family do the dishes

[00:35:02.64 -> 00:35:08.32] they might not do them as perfectly as you so you got to let that be okay and just praise them

[00:35:08.32 -> 00:35:13.52] for getting it done and you know and move that forward but it helps you come out of people

[00:35:13.52 -> 00:35:19.44] pleasing to just say oh I'll just do it you gotta come out of that habit pattern.

[00:35:19.44 -> 00:35:25.92] Like people pleasing as women right like I mean that's doing the things I think back up a little bit

[00:35:25.92 -> 00:35:27.48] like what does it mean to people please, right?

[00:35:27.48 -> 00:35:31.08] So it's doing the thing that will make someone else happy,

[00:35:31.08 -> 00:35:34.48] which I think in some ways is a good thing to do.

[00:35:34.48 -> 00:35:37.32] But as, you know, I know I speak for myself,

[00:35:37.32 -> 00:35:39.76] like getting all the good grades,

[00:35:39.76 -> 00:35:40.84] that also made me happy.

[00:35:40.84 -> 00:35:42.92] I'm internally driven.

[00:35:42.92 -> 00:35:45.16] But I also got a lot of praise for that.

[00:35:45.16 -> 00:35:50.00] And would do, I mean, I just spent so much of my life

[00:35:50.00 -> 00:35:55.48] building behaviors that pleased others around me.

[00:35:55.92 -> 00:36:01.76] which made me feel good so much so that when people would ask me like,

[00:36:01.76 -> 00:36:03.40] well, what do you want? What do you think?

[00:36:03.40 -> 00:36:05.56] I was always just like, oh, I'm good.

[00:36:05.56 -> 00:36:07.68] Like the question of what do you want for dinner?

[00:36:07.68 -> 00:36:10.20] Very much related to the runaway bride,

[00:36:10.20 -> 00:36:11.28] movie with Julia Roberts,

[00:36:11.28 -> 00:36:12.80] or like how does she like her eggs?

[00:36:12.80 -> 00:36:13.88] Like that's what she's doing,

[00:36:13.88 -> 00:36:14.56] is people pleasing.

[00:36:14.56 -> 00:36:16.48] However, the guy she was with at the time,

[00:36:16.48 -> 00:36:18.76] like Tizix, that's how she liked her eggs.

[00:36:18.76 -> 00:36:20.28] And I remember thinking,

[00:36:20.28 -> 00:36:22.88] I don't really know how I like my eggs.

[00:36:22.88 -> 00:36:25.12] I just kind of go along to get along.

[00:36:25.12 -> 00:36:30.72] But the thing is and whenever Marla told me that I'm like, I'm not a liar. I tell the truth. I'm not a liar

[00:36:32.44 -> 00:36:36.08] But but I really did start to learn that's not accurate

[00:36:36.88 -> 00:36:38.88] because I

[00:36:38.88 -> 00:36:45.80] Went along to get along so much so I know it stopped asking myself the question like it was so suppressed and has been

[00:36:45.80 -> 00:36:49.60] I'm saying I said was like it's the most past tense thing ever. I mean, I'm sure I'm a

[00:36:49.60 -> 00:36:50.60] It's a daily thing.

[00:36:50.60 -> 00:36:51.60] Yeah.

[00:36:51.60 -> 00:36:52.60] It's a daily thing.

[00:36:52.60 -> 00:36:59.40] It's still every day the question arises, do I actually want to do this thing or not?

[00:36:59.40 -> 00:37:04.80] And so look, we all have things in our lives where we need to say yes to things even

[00:37:04.80 -> 00:37:06.00] when we don't want to.

[00:37:06.00 -> 00:37:07.40] So are we people pleasing?

[00:37:07.40 -> 00:37:08.40] Yes, we are.

[00:37:08.40 -> 00:37:15.08] But if we acknowledge I'm doing this even though I don't want to or I'm doing this hoping

[00:37:15.08 -> 00:37:23.60] for a response or a reaction or a result like praise or love or affection or attention or

[00:37:23.60 -> 00:37:25.24] something.

[00:37:25.24 -> 00:37:30.50] The thing is when we don't get that in return after doing all these things, then we build

[00:37:30.50 -> 00:37:32.10] rage.

[00:37:32.10 -> 00:37:36.32] We build rage and then that's where we get volcanic fights happening.

[00:37:36.32 -> 00:37:37.92] So that's definitely happened to me.

[00:37:37.92 -> 00:37:41.80] I mean, where I mean, would get along, go on to get along.

[00:37:41.80 -> 00:37:43.68] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:37:43.68 -> 00:37:53.84] try to be easy as I could. And then I would just have, I mean, such a sharp fierce dissecting

[00:37:53.84 -> 00:37:59.24] anger. I know. About just whatever the situation, you know, where something it just built

[00:37:59.24 -> 00:38:06.28] and built and built. And it's like I had gotten so accustomed to not saying or expressing

[00:38:06.28 -> 00:38:13.16] how I really felt that it was so batten down and so pushed down that at some point, like

[00:38:13.16 -> 00:38:16.84] just will rupture. I think that's where, you know, we would probably agree like that's where

[00:38:16.84 -> 00:38:20.92] sickness and pains and all this other stuff can kind of come too. But it also can rupture

[00:38:20.92 -> 00:38:26.36] relationships where when you finally let it out. And I think that's a lot of times in divorce,

[00:38:26.36 -> 00:38:33.72] what's happening is the suppression that we've experienced over years and years, decades even,

[00:38:33.72 -> 00:38:39.08] of all the small yeses when we really meant no. Like, oh yeah, sure I'll do that. Yeah, sure I'll

[00:38:39.08 -> 00:38:42.20] have sex tonight, even though I don't feel like it because I don't want you to be mad at me.

[00:38:42.20 -> 00:38:44.44] Yeah, sure, I'll go get the kids from school.

[00:38:44.44 -> 00:38:46.36] Okay, yeah, all the range of babysitter for day,

[00:38:46.36 -> 00:38:48.36] that again, I'll put, right, all those things

[00:38:48.36 -> 00:38:49.80] when we did all the things,

[00:38:49.80 -> 00:38:52.52] when we really wanted a different outcome.

[00:38:52.52 -> 00:38:54.04] And we didn't express that,

[00:38:54.04 -> 00:38:55.32] we didn't give any voice to it.

[00:38:55.32 -> 00:38:56.44] And then it all bottles up.

[00:38:56.44 -> 00:38:57.72] And I think that's why you see a lot of people

[00:38:57.72 -> 00:38:58.52] in the middle of their divorce,

[00:38:58.52 -> 00:39:01.16] or after it go kind of in like crazy town,

[00:39:02.20 -> 00:39:05.16] of just letting all these feelings and all these wants.

[00:39:05.16 -> 00:39:07.96] And like, I've even witnessed like people

[00:39:07.96 -> 00:39:10.76] really go into this super, you know, pendulum swing

[00:39:10.76 -> 00:39:18.34] in the other direction of self-centered, kind of selfish, very not thinking of the consequences

[00:39:18.34 -> 00:39:20.14] of their actions on anyone else.

[00:39:20.14 -> 00:39:24.84] I'm like, okay, this volcanic expression, like to use what you're saying, of their own

[00:39:24.84 -> 00:39:29.06] personhood because they'd been kind of locked that person away.

[00:39:29.06 -> 00:39:32.06] And so, you know, there's probably people listening who've gone through exactly that.

[00:39:32.06 -> 00:39:37.50] And you may be thinking, I kind of don't even recognize myself in the mirror a little bit.

[00:39:37.50 -> 00:39:43.68] And what may be happening is all those years of people pleasing and living your life just

[00:39:43.68 -> 00:39:48.22] in such a way that it wouldn't ruffle the feathers of everybody around you.

[00:39:48.22 -> 00:39:54.86] Then something in you just snaps, it says, namas, and whatever's under there can kind

[00:39:54.86 -> 00:39:55.92] of come out.

[00:39:55.92 -> 00:39:59.92] So this is an ongoing Marla lesson for me.

[00:40:00.00 -> 00:40:05.20] all is. You know, and I think it's relevant. I was saying about this today, Marla, because

[00:40:05.20 -> 00:40:12.04] I'm just in a like hard day. I've had, I'm just in a hard mood. I had to go get Kleenex

[00:40:12.04 -> 00:40:17.96] when we started because like I know I'm going to cry. And I was trying to talk myself

[00:40:17.96 -> 00:40:22.36] up into it. I was trying to be more palatable for the people around me. I wasn't wanting

[00:40:22.36 -> 00:40:26.32] to bring anybody down. There's nothing actually terrible. I'm not actually angry. It's

[00:40:26.32 -> 00:40:29.04] because the day where I'm like two days in a row,

[00:40:29.04 -> 00:40:32.60] I've just kind of felt sad, a bit blank,

[00:40:32.60 -> 00:40:33.72] a bit agitated.

[00:40:33.72 -> 00:40:35.68] I don't normally feel agitated.

[00:40:35.68 -> 00:40:37.56] So when agitation is present for me,

[00:40:37.56 -> 00:40:38.60] it's a cue.

[00:40:38.60 -> 00:40:43.16] I've learned to recognize these emotions as information.

[00:40:43.16 -> 00:40:45.60] I used to just think that they were very inconvenient,

[00:40:45.60 -> 00:40:46.52] and my people pleasing,

[00:40:46.52 -> 00:40:49.20] because I wanted to be darling and wonderful,

[00:40:49.20 -> 00:40:51.12] and everybody's favorite, everything all the time.

[00:40:51.12 -> 00:40:53.08] And like, look, my business depends on it.

[00:40:53.08 -> 00:40:54.92] Like a lot of things depend on it at the time.

[00:40:54.92 -> 00:40:57.60] I think that to be honest, they were very healthy,

[00:40:57.60 -> 00:41:00.04] like are very, maybe not healthy.

[00:41:00.04 -> 00:41:03.60] Useful survival skills at the time.

[00:41:03.60 -> 00:41:06.56] But now I've grown through that and understand

[00:41:06.56 -> 00:41:07.72] about these emotions.

[00:41:07.72 -> 00:41:10.04] Do you wanna play with it a little bit?

[00:41:10.04 -> 00:41:13.72] Do you wanna work with that agitation blank said?

[00:41:13.72 -> 00:41:15.52] Do you wanna go there?

[00:41:15.52 -> 00:41:16.96] Yeah, I mean, I'm happy to,

[00:41:16.96 -> 00:41:18.52] let me finish this one thought and then yeah,

[00:41:18.52 -> 00:41:21.48] I could use your, your help sure we'll just do this.

[00:41:21.48 -> 00:41:24.36] It's like what, and what was coming up for me,

[00:41:24.36 -> 00:41:27.16] just some more like context was, hey, like,

[00:41:27.16 -> 00:41:28.08] is everything okay?

[00:41:28.08 -> 00:41:29.00] Like you sound kind of weird.

[00:41:29.00 -> 00:41:30.40] And I was like, oh, you know,

[00:41:30.40 -> 00:41:32.96] I wanted immediately to make it fine for them.

[00:41:32.96 -> 00:41:35.12] Really, I didn't want to like burden them.

[00:41:35.12 -> 00:41:37.48] And I didn't want to make a whole big thing.

[00:41:37.48 -> 00:41:39.84] And so I was like, oh, yeah, no,

[00:41:39.84 -> 00:41:42.12] everything's like, oh, sorry, I was just doing something else.

[00:41:42.12 -> 00:41:43.72] I mean, it wasn't that it, that wasn't true.

[00:41:43.72 -> 00:41:44.96] I was sending a text message,

[00:41:44.96 -> 00:41:46.12] like as I answered the phone.

[00:41:46.12 -> 00:41:47.76] So I was accurate.

[00:41:47.76 -> 00:41:50.60] It was factually accurate to one degree.

[00:41:50.60 -> 00:41:52.88] But there was another degree that I think this person

[00:41:52.88 -> 00:41:54.00] who knows me well enough to know

[00:41:54.00 -> 00:41:55.16] there was something else going on,

[00:41:55.16 -> 00:41:58.00] even in at all the tone of my voice.

[00:41:58.00 -> 00:42:01.08] And I just didn't go there.

[00:42:01.08 -> 00:42:03.70] So yeah, I don't, I mean, whatever we wanna do with that,

[00:42:03.70 -> 00:42:04.54] Marla.

[00:42:04.54 -> 00:42:06.08] Let me set a little context for this

[00:42:06.08 -> 00:42:11.08] and then we'll go wherever we go and we'll track it, okay?

[00:42:12.00 -> 00:42:14.48] It's a good time to talk about the nervous system

[00:42:14.48 -> 00:42:18.68] and nervous system regulation and fight flight freeze and fawn.

[00:42:18.68 -> 00:42:22.60] And what I call red yellow green, we have, you know,

[00:42:22.60 -> 00:42:27.64] If you, the easiest, fastest way to just get some context for this is you can imagine

[00:42:27.64 -> 00:42:29.12] a traffic signal, right?

[00:42:29.12 -> 00:42:31.84] And everybody knows what does red mean?

[00:42:31.84 -> 00:42:34.48] Red means stop, right?

[00:42:34.48 -> 00:42:35.48] What does yellow mean?

[00:42:35.48 -> 00:42:40.12] Yellow either means slow down or speed up so you can get through the signal, right?

[00:42:40.12 -> 00:42:41.08] Okay, that's yellow.

[00:42:41.08 -> 00:42:43.72] So, and then green means go.

[00:42:43.72 -> 00:42:44.92] All, you know, everything is good.

[00:42:44.92 -> 00:42:49.64] So from a nervous system perspective, the green zone is when you're feeling like, hey,

[00:42:49.64 -> 00:42:50.64] how you do it?

[00:42:50.64 -> 00:42:51.64] I'm super happy.

[00:42:51.64 -> 00:42:54.04] I want to engage, let's get together.

[00:42:54.04 -> 00:42:55.04] That's the green zone.

[00:42:55.04 -> 00:42:58.84] Your social engagement system is on.

[00:42:58.84 -> 00:43:00.28] And you have a sense of belonging.

[00:43:00.28 -> 00:43:04.16] And you feel good about being around other people.

[00:43:04.16 -> 00:43:07.56] And that's where you feel regulated in your nervous system.

[00:43:07.56 -> 00:43:10.52] And then the yellow zone is the fight or flight.

[00:43:10.52 -> 00:43:16.40] The fight or flight is your agitated, your irritated, annoyed.

[00:43:16.40 -> 00:43:19.08] You're in that get-shit-done mode.

[00:43:19.08 -> 00:43:25.52] And yellow zone is also great for sport, people in sport,

[00:43:25.52 -> 00:43:28.68] athletics, people who are visionaries, entrepreneurs,

[00:43:28.68 -> 00:43:29.36] and all that.

[00:43:29.36 -> 00:43:31.92] You know, you need all that energy of a little bit of fight

[00:43:31.92 -> 00:43:32.88] and a little bit of green.

[00:43:32.88 -> 00:43:35.16] So it's like yellow green.

[00:43:35.16 -> 00:43:36.20] So that's a yellow zone.

[00:43:36.20 -> 00:43:38.64] And then the red zone is stop.

[00:43:38.64 -> 00:43:41.96] Like you're going down into freeze, which is collapse,

[00:43:41.96 -> 00:43:44.40] which is isolation.

[00:43:44.40 -> 00:43:45.68] I can't do this anymore.

[00:43:45.68 -> 00:43:53.92] done certain ways of thinking arise when you're in each of these zones.

[00:43:53.92 -> 00:44:00.68] So if we have the red zone, it's not just because something happened, it's because our nervous

[00:44:00.68 -> 00:44:04.60] system is reacting to something.

[00:44:04.60 -> 00:44:05.60] Okay.

[00:44:05.60 -> 00:44:07.44] It could be reacting to a thought pattern.

[00:44:07.44 -> 00:44:09.96] It could be reacting to an emotional experience.

[00:44:09.96 -> 00:44:13.08] It can be reacting to the energetics of the world.

[00:44:13.08 -> 00:44:15.68] It can be reacting to stubbing your toe.

[00:44:15.68 -> 00:44:20.96] It can be reacting to feeling like you're in a marriage that doesn't fulfill you.

[00:44:20.96 -> 00:44:28.32] So noticing which state we're in will also help us, again, awareness become more aware

[00:44:28.32 -> 00:44:30.40] of what we can do about that.

[00:44:30.40 -> 00:44:40.04] So the red zone has only certain thoughts and emotions and behaviors happen in the red zone.

[00:44:40.04 -> 00:44:41.04] Same with the yellow zone.

[00:44:41.04 -> 00:44:46.20] We have certain thought patterns, emotions and behaviors that happen in the yellow zone and

[00:44:46.20 -> 00:44:47.28] in the green zone.

[00:44:47.28 -> 00:44:50.72] So when you get to know, like you're already very, very aware.

[00:44:50.72 -> 00:44:55.24] So you had some sadness, a little feeling, a little blank, and feeling agitated.

[00:44:55.24 -> 00:45:04.72] And so to me, just by those descriptions, I know that part of you is teetering on yellow

[00:45:04.72 -> 00:45:12.56] to red. And to me, that's a huge celebration because for hand it to go into stillness is always

[00:45:12.56 -> 00:45:19.44] with the red zone is not just stop. It's also stillness. It's about whether we feel safe in the red zone.

[00:45:20.16 -> 00:45:27.76] Safe feeling safe in the red zone is intimacy. It's cuddling. It's spooning. It's meditation.

[00:45:27.76 -> 00:45:33.84] It's it's shavasana. The last pose in yoga. Okay. So the red zone is not something to avoid.

[00:45:33.84 -> 00:45:38.66] We all go all over the place. We can't stop it. That's we all have a nervous system

[00:45:38.82 -> 00:45:46.18] So the red zone is if you feel safe or unsafe the yellow zone if you feel safe in the yellow zone

[00:45:46.50 -> 00:45:48.50] Then you can't a lot shit done

[00:45:48.66 -> 00:45:54.46] You're you're making it happen. It's feeling good if you're in the yellow zone and you feel unsafe

[00:45:55.22 -> 00:46:03.20] That's when you start being reactive to things. So that's so the context you want to comment on any of that before we go in

[00:46:03.84 -> 00:46:06.80] even as you were talking about the safety component.

[00:46:06.80 -> 00:46:08.16] Like I felt tears rise up.

[00:46:08.16 -> 00:46:10.64] And I always know I'm onto something for me personally

[00:46:10.64 -> 00:46:13.04] when I can feel myself kind of well up.

[00:46:13.76 -> 00:46:19.44] And to feel safe in the red zone is not easy for me.

[00:46:19.44 -> 00:46:22.56] I mean, in Eagram 7, very like what's new,

[00:46:22.56 -> 00:46:24.00] let's feel good.

[00:46:24.00 -> 00:46:27.76] I used to brag about after my divorce or during my divorce,

[00:46:27.76 -> 00:46:30.16] how I didn't stay in bed and cry not one day.

[00:46:30.16 -> 00:46:32.00] Like it was like a real trophy.

[00:46:32.00 -> 00:46:37.00] And I now know what I did was just keep moving.

[00:46:37.00 -> 00:46:42.00] And never stopped to sit in it.

[00:46:42.00 -> 00:46:44.00] And I don't like to feel yucky.

[00:46:44.00 -> 00:46:46.00] I don't like to be in the red.

[00:46:46.00 -> 00:46:48.00] Now I like to have stillness.

[00:46:48.00 -> 00:46:50.00] Like there's a stillness that's super positive,

[00:46:50.00 -> 00:46:52.00] which is on the other end of green.

[00:46:52.00 -> 00:46:54.00] Like stillness can touch from green

[00:46:54.00 -> 00:46:56.00] and wrap back around to red, I think.

[00:46:56.00 -> 00:46:59.00] So like the green kind of stillness I love.

[00:46:59.00 -> 00:47:06.00] And I was feeling that sort of like I had some spots on my calendar.

[00:47:06.00 -> 00:47:12.00] I was like, huh, I wonder what I should do now, which is a bit.

[00:47:12.00 -> 00:47:15.00] I mean, that's not how I lived my days and stuff normally.

[00:47:15.00 -> 00:47:22.00] And I was just, you know, I have the training from Marla to be like, okay, I recognize this.

[00:47:22.00 -> 00:47:23.00] I'm an awareness of this.

[00:47:23.00 -> 00:47:27.00] And especially the agitation, that's just not a feeling that's like red to yellow,

[00:47:27.00 -> 00:47:32.28] de yellow, where I like got up the scale a bit. I don't feel annoyed generally speaking very

[00:47:32.28 -> 00:47:37.56] much in my life unless there's a like something's off. So I know that and I was even talking

[00:47:37.56 -> 00:47:42.20] to chat to you PT about it and like just like I could use your support chat to PT about how

[00:47:42.20 -> 00:47:47.00] I'm feeling and just sort of said all of the things. That's why I was working on it. Right? Like

[00:47:47.00 -> 00:47:52.84] I didn't just sit there and stare at the computer. Um, I mean, you know, at work and instead

[00:47:52.84 -> 00:47:54.92] it's like sought some additional help.

[00:47:55.92 -> 00:47:57.40] And when I was in that state,

[00:47:57.40 -> 00:48:01.92] I was feeling very like a little bit hurt or mad

[00:48:01.92 -> 00:48:04.08] that the people around me weren't doing anything about it.

[00:48:04.08 -> 00:48:05.84] Kind of, it was a victim-y mindset.

[00:48:05.84 -> 00:48:09.00] Like how come my husband or my best friend or whoever

[00:48:09.00 -> 00:48:11.24] hasn't called and figured out what's going on with me?

[00:48:11.24 -> 00:48:13.48] And how come that they're not as good

[00:48:13.48 -> 00:48:14.80] at listening about my things?

[00:48:14.80 -> 00:48:17.28] And when it's, I really need hard to talk about something

[00:48:17.28 -> 00:48:18.76] in process, there's never any time.

[00:48:18.76 -> 00:48:21.36] Like I started going into some victim thoughts too, right?

[00:48:21.36 -> 00:48:24.52] like that kind of temper tantrum throwing a little bit.

[00:48:25.92 -> 00:48:30.92] And also have learned and had the experience enough

[00:48:31.08 -> 00:48:34.12] to know to say like, okay, I'm not broken.

[00:48:34.12 -> 00:48:35.60] Because other thoughts in the past,

[00:48:35.60 -> 00:48:37.92] I'm, oh my God, I broke myself.

[00:48:37.92 -> 00:48:39.72] I broke my personality.

[00:48:39.72 -> 00:48:42.36] I am now literally a miserable person.

[00:48:42.36 -> 00:48:44.36] Like something in me when I would feel that way

[00:48:44.36 -> 00:48:46.60] would literally think, okay, I'm broken now.

[00:48:46.60 -> 00:48:49.12] I'm never gonna be able to be regular, Hannah again

[00:48:49.12 -> 00:48:53.64] because in that moment like that beat whatever person feels far away.

[00:48:53.64 -> 00:48:56.20] And it's so foreign to me that is like,

[00:48:56.20 -> 00:48:58.64] oh shit, I finally, I guess something in me is like,

[00:48:58.64 -> 00:49:00.12] I finally fucking done it.

[00:49:01.08 -> 00:49:03.48] It all like it all fell down.

[00:49:03.48 -> 00:49:06.80] I'm just left with this bit, this leftover bit.

[00:49:06.80 -> 00:49:07.64] Okay.

[00:49:07.64 -> 00:49:08.56] And there's something to that.

[00:49:08.56 -> 00:49:12.32] And so then like for me, in the moment,

[00:49:13.60 -> 00:49:15.68] I learned from Marla over the years, right?

[00:49:15.68 -> 00:49:18.20] Like not to just rush out of it as fast as possible

[00:49:18.20 -> 00:49:21.50] get to that green to sit with it.

[00:49:21.50 -> 00:49:25.40] And all the stuff you can just turn on your Instagram or at least my Instagram algorithm

[00:49:25.40 -> 00:49:29.76] for five seconds and hear like the obstacle is the way the hard part is the way the way

[00:49:29.76 -> 00:49:34.36] to grow is going into that shit about your self that you can't stand like going there.

[00:49:34.36 -> 00:49:38.08] Marla is the first one who probably helped me understand that.

[00:49:38.08 -> 00:49:40.64] Now here's the thing that happened Marla.

[00:49:40.64 -> 00:49:44.60] And Marla has some strategies that I'd love for you to tell us about in a minute like

[00:49:44.60 -> 00:49:51.08] to help people work through this. I'm just explaining my own experience. So then on the way to drive

[00:49:51.08 -> 00:49:55.72] to the studio where I'm recording this today, I got on a call about work with the marketing team,

[00:49:55.72 -> 00:50:00.04] which is I love. I love talking about the law firm. I love talking about

[00:50:00.00 -> 00:50:05.36] helping people and how to get the message out. Okay, I love that. So, and then there was a problem.

[00:50:05.36 -> 00:50:12.96] Ooh, goodie. We have a problem to solve. Boom. That hand I came online right away when you do this

[00:50:12.96 -> 00:50:17.12] and that and this and Marla even when we were setting up the call, it was like, hang on Marla.

[00:50:17.12 -> 00:50:20.88] I got and we actually, in the week, Barbara, I was in the captain's chair, right? Like, you go,

[00:50:20.88 -> 00:50:29.12] you go and a part of me said, wait a minute, I'm not going to use this problem.

[00:50:30.00 -> 00:50:37.00] as a ladder up and out of the red to avoid the feelings that I was feeling.

[00:50:37.00 -> 00:50:41.00] I see what you tried to do. They are subconscious self.

[00:50:41.00 -> 00:50:46.00] I see what you tried to do in this old strategy I used to in that we're kind of an advanced level model,

[00:50:46.00 -> 00:50:48.00] but whatever we can talk about everyone.

[00:50:48.00 -> 00:50:53.00] I see that subconscious tool of this old thing of like,

[00:50:53.00 -> 00:50:56.72] of like, oh, hey, let's not sit in our shit,

[00:50:56.72 -> 00:51:00.32] which might actually help us grow and improve and expand.

[00:51:00.32 -> 00:51:02.80] And you know, let's stay down here in this normal

[00:51:02.80 -> 00:51:04.36] Hannah that we've known a long time.

[00:51:04.36 -> 00:51:06.84] I subconscious like we know how to deal with this version.

[00:51:06.84 -> 00:51:09.24] The problem solver, you got a problem,

[00:51:09.24 -> 00:51:11.64] you all solve it self, let's go.

[00:51:11.64 -> 00:51:15.28] And as I walked into the door to have this conversation,

[00:51:15.28 -> 00:51:18.28] I was back up because at the same time,

[00:51:18.28 -> 00:51:22.68] I was like, no, I am not gonna short cut.

[00:51:22.68 -> 00:51:25.00] whatever is happening in me.

[00:51:25.00 -> 00:51:26.96] And I could, I could go with that problem

[00:51:26.96 -> 00:51:29.08] and I already said, I'll call you as soon as I'm done

[00:51:29.08 -> 00:51:31.00] and start having that conversation again.

[00:51:31.00 -> 00:51:33.04] And then skip it.

[00:51:33.04 -> 00:51:35.20] And so like, I don't know, that's all I present to you.

[00:51:35.20 -> 00:51:36.64] I was like, I was trying to do that.

[00:51:36.64 -> 00:51:38.40] And then now I'm kind of in green

[00:51:38.40 -> 00:51:39.92] with you where like having a fun conversation.

[00:51:39.92 -> 00:51:41.08] I'm talking to one of my best friends

[00:51:41.08 -> 00:51:42.36] and we can talk about whatever.

[00:51:42.36 -> 00:51:45.80] So that was my experience.

[00:51:45.80 -> 00:51:47.04] Yeah, beautiful.

[00:51:47.04 -> 00:51:49.92] I mean, I have so many things I could say about all this.

[00:51:49.92 -> 00:51:57.72] in service of the audience, I think something that's helpful to know is sometimes you need

[00:51:57.72 -> 00:52:03.40] to move out of the negativity fast or than others.

[00:52:03.40 -> 00:52:09.12] If you have three kids you're picking up from school and you're having a rough moment

[00:52:09.12 -> 00:52:19.64] and you've got to be able to shift your inner world in order to be present for your kids.

[00:52:19.64 -> 00:52:25.64] just say, or maybe you're about to get on a podcast, or you're about to get on, um, you

[00:52:25.64 -> 00:52:27.80] know, a team meeting or something like that.

[00:52:27.80 -> 00:52:29.40] We go to trial or do it at part.

[00:52:29.40 -> 00:52:30.40] But in trial, right?

[00:52:30.40 -> 00:52:31.40] Right.

[00:52:31.40 -> 00:52:32.40] Whatever.

[00:52:32.40 -> 00:52:33.40] Yeah.

[00:52:33.40 -> 00:52:35.52] There's, there's always reasons why you need to be able to like shift out of it quickly.

[00:52:35.52 -> 00:52:38.60] So that's one thing and you've got to practice that.

[00:52:38.60 -> 00:52:42.24] Another thing that you're mentioning is staying with it.

[00:52:42.24 -> 00:52:44.60] And so how do we stay with it?

[00:52:44.60 -> 00:52:48.76] We can loop in our thoughts and make things worse.

[00:52:48.76 -> 00:52:53.08] We could start obsessing over things.

[00:52:53.08 -> 00:52:55.04] So here's what I like to do.

[00:52:55.04 -> 00:52:58.00] And this is what I practice and this is what I teach.

[00:52:58.00 -> 00:53:01.28] You know, I've been a meditator for 23 years.

[00:53:01.28 -> 00:53:05.68] I've sat 23, 10 day silent meditation retreats.

[00:53:05.68 -> 00:53:09.28] So I've spent way more than six months in silence in my life.

[00:53:09.28 -> 00:53:11.16] And this comes from that technique.

[00:53:11.16 -> 00:53:13.04] It's called Vipashana.

[00:53:13.04 -> 00:53:18.88] And the technique is to observe the sensations in your body without reacting to them.

[00:53:18.88 -> 00:53:19.88] Just noticing them.

[00:53:19.88 -> 00:53:20.88] Not trying to change them.

[00:53:20.88 -> 00:53:22.64] Not trying to make them different.

[00:53:22.64 -> 00:53:25.60] It's not Kundalini where you're trying to move the energy.

[00:53:25.60 -> 00:53:30.72] It is being with what is and just observing it.

[00:53:30.72 -> 00:53:40.76] And so if we can go back to you feeling agitation, that's the one I wanted to tap into.

[00:53:40.76 -> 00:53:46.72] Did you feel or if you can recall or feel that agitation again even a little little a little bit?

[00:53:47.40 -> 00:53:50.14] Where do you feel that agitation in your body?

[00:53:50.54 -> 00:53:58.56] Yeah, I can get there. It's like in my left jaw and like a clenched tooth and then sort of in my upper heart space

[00:53:58.56 -> 00:54:00.56] like my whole left side of my body

[00:54:01.36 -> 00:54:06.16] Titans up and like fuck that's how it feels fucking shit

[00:54:06.16 -> 00:54:09.64] Again, that's how it feels.

[00:54:09.64 -> 00:54:10.64] That's how I was feeling.

[00:54:10.64 -> 00:54:16.68] Can everybody handle one goddamn thing that doesn't have to be me making sure it actually

[00:54:16.68 -> 00:54:17.68] got done?

[00:54:17.68 -> 00:54:23.60] It was just, and I think what's been happening is there's, I'm just going through

[00:54:23.60 -> 00:54:25.96] some a bunch of stuff at the moment.

[00:54:25.96 -> 00:54:27.20] And there's a lot of transition.

[00:54:27.20 -> 00:54:29.52] It's a very much an in between time.

[00:54:29.52 -> 00:54:33.88] And so a lot of things are not settled that are otherwise normally settled.

[00:54:33.88 -> 00:54:38.20] already had a very full bucket and then my bucket got fuller.

[00:54:38.20 -> 00:54:44.76] And so then inside of me wanted the people who sometimes do things and help me with the

[00:54:44.76 -> 00:54:47.32] bucket to actually see it all the way through.

[00:54:47.32 -> 00:54:50.80] It doesn't really help me if I had to ask you, oh, hey, did you do the thing?

[00:54:50.80 -> 00:54:51.80] Oh, shoot.

[00:54:51.80 -> 00:54:52.80] I forgot.

[00:54:52.80 -> 00:54:53.80] And then you do it.

[00:54:53.80 -> 00:54:54.80] Like, no, right.

[00:54:54.80 -> 00:54:57.00] So that's what kind of got me there.

[00:54:57.00 -> 00:54:58.00] Okay.

[00:54:58.00 -> 00:54:59.00] This is perfect.

[00:54:59.00 -> 00:55:05.72] Notice that Hannah was very aware of where the agitation was feeling.

[00:55:05.72 -> 00:55:07.26] You described all of it.

[00:55:07.26 -> 00:55:12.16] It's in your left jaw and it also went down to your upper left heart and you even had

[00:55:12.16 -> 00:55:13.80] some words with it.

[00:55:13.80 -> 00:55:16.12] And this is exactly what I'm talking about.

[00:55:16.12 -> 00:55:19.08] How do you observe what's happening?

[00:55:19.08 -> 00:55:24.24] How do you stay with it and not try to push it away or change it?

[00:55:24.24 -> 00:55:28.16] And one of the ways we do that is we ask, where do I feel this in my body?

[00:55:28.16 -> 00:55:29.48] not gonna go there right now,

[00:55:29.48 -> 00:55:31.80] but you could ask the same thing about the sadness

[00:55:31.80 -> 00:55:33.08] or the blankness.

[00:55:33.08 -> 00:55:36.08] Okay, so we'll just stick with the agitation for now.

[00:55:36.08 -> 00:55:38.68] So she felt it in here,

[00:55:38.68 -> 00:55:40.92] and then she had the thought patterns with it.

[00:55:40.92 -> 00:55:42.28] Like why can't you just,

[00:55:42.28 -> 00:55:44.54] all of those kind of blami,

[00:55:44.54 -> 00:55:47.68] shamey kind of thoughts, natural,

[00:55:47.68 -> 00:55:51.52] that's a yellow zone stuff.

[00:55:51.52 -> 00:55:53.96] So instead of making that wrong,

[00:55:53.96 -> 00:55:58.96] Here's where we drive off the cliff on accident

[00:55:59.72 -> 00:56:01.80] when we're trying to stay with something

[00:56:01.80 -> 00:56:05.68] is when you say, why can't they just figure this out

[00:56:05.68 -> 00:56:07.08] or do this or get this thing done?

[00:56:07.08 -> 00:56:09.44] And now you're on that thought train

[00:56:09.44 -> 00:56:12.32] and you keep going and now you're blaming them

[00:56:12.32 -> 00:56:15.00] and now you're going, yeah, they should be doing

[00:56:15.00 -> 00:56:16.84] and now you're making it about them.

[00:56:16.84 -> 00:56:18.64] Nope, that's not how to stay with it.

[00:56:18.64 -> 00:56:21.32] How to stay with it is you make it about you.

[00:56:21.32 -> 00:56:23.00] And so that's what you were doing.

[00:56:23.00 -> 00:56:27.00] So it's in my body, it's in my thought pattern,

[00:56:27.00 -> 00:56:31.00] it's in my emotional state, and therefore it is mine.

[00:56:31.00 -> 00:56:33.60] And so I'm taking responsibility and accountability

[00:56:33.60 -> 00:56:34.88] for what is mine.

[00:56:34.88 -> 00:56:39.40] So I can clear, cleanse, purify my own field

[00:56:39.40 -> 00:56:41.88] so that I can live more in green,

[00:56:41.88 -> 00:56:46.24] and I can be a source of regulation for me and others.

[00:56:46.24 -> 00:56:48.24] And so this is the process.

[00:56:48.24 -> 00:56:51.88] And so you become aware of the physical sensations you did.

[00:56:51.88 -> 00:56:54.14] You become aware of the thoughts, you did.

[00:56:54.14 -> 00:56:56.86] You become aware of the emotions, you did.

[00:56:56.86 -> 00:57:00.88] And the last part is when you feel these things,

[00:57:01.78 -> 00:57:05.22] agitation with those thoughts, with those emotions,

[00:57:05.22 -> 00:57:09.14] what are the actions and behaviors you typically take?

[00:57:09.14 -> 00:57:11.82] Well, the thing is I've been trained by you Marla.

[00:57:11.82 -> 00:57:15.10] I was just reflecting in my mind about what did I do.

[00:57:16.58 -> 00:57:18.94] And I was sitting there at my desk

[00:57:18.94 -> 00:57:20.94] when I was feeling the latest round of this.

[00:57:20.94 -> 00:57:23.38] and just kind of, I did feel blank.

[00:57:23.38 -> 00:57:28.38] And so what I know Marla would teach is to move,

[00:57:28.70 -> 00:57:30.22] like literally move.

[00:57:30.22 -> 00:57:32.38] And I don't think I consciously thought of this Marla,

[00:57:32.38 -> 00:57:35.70] but I knew I needed to, this is so silly,

[00:57:35.70 -> 00:57:38.30] but I needed to clean my computer screen

[00:57:38.30 -> 00:57:39.42] and go to the bathroom.

[00:57:39.42 -> 00:57:42.22] Those two things I really wanted to do before I left.

[00:57:42.22 -> 00:57:44.78] I'd been putting them off for like over an hour,

[00:57:44.78 -> 00:57:46.14] and I was ticking.

[00:57:46.14 -> 00:57:48.70] So I said, okay, Hannah, I made the conscious choice,

[00:57:48.70 -> 00:57:53.70] Get up, move your butt, stand up.

[00:57:53.70 -> 00:57:57.58] Like I had to talk myself, just force myself to go.

[00:57:57.58 -> 00:57:59.12] I had to walk and it's a decent little walk

[00:57:59.12 -> 00:58:00.02] from my office down the hall,

[00:58:00.02 -> 00:58:01.90] turn down the hall to the bathroom.

[00:58:01.90 -> 00:58:04.94] And then come back, turn the hall back down, you know.

[00:58:04.94 -> 00:58:08.06] Back, five dig around, so I'm moving a bit,

[00:58:08.06 -> 00:58:09.78] digging around, trying to find the white things

[00:58:09.78 -> 00:58:12.70] from my computer, and then got that done,

[00:58:12.70 -> 00:58:15.06] pack up all my shit to go get in the car.

[00:58:15.06 -> 00:58:16.78] And that was a trip down the elevator,

[00:58:16.78 -> 00:58:18.62] but, but, but, but, but, and then I would, right.

[00:58:18.62 -> 00:58:23.62] So I guess had the wherewithal to make myself move.

[00:58:24.86 -> 00:58:26.46] And I think that's a moral thing.

[00:58:26.46 -> 00:58:28.78] To get myself up and out of red,

[00:58:28.78 -> 00:58:32.94] I sat with it for a bit and was ready to pop up a level.

[00:58:32.94 -> 00:58:35.58] And you've taught me that you move.

[00:58:35.58 -> 00:58:37.62] You have a couple ways to teach people.

[00:58:37.62 -> 00:58:38.90] And like, I guess I wanna say something

[00:58:38.90 -> 00:58:40.82] because this is like bugging me.

[00:58:40.82 -> 00:58:42.38] There's two options.

[00:58:42.38 -> 00:58:45.02] Get out as quickly as possible.

[00:58:45.02 -> 00:58:46.54] Sit with this and learn a lot

[00:58:46.54 -> 00:58:48.46] and become a better person, et cetera.

[00:58:48.46 -> 00:58:51.26] Both of them are valid in different situations.

[00:58:51.26 -> 00:58:54.74] And I'm not judging get out of it as quickly as possible.

[00:58:54.74 -> 00:58:57.66] And in fact, for a lot of y'all listening to this,

[00:58:57.66 -> 00:58:59.94] that that's the message here.

[00:58:59.94 -> 00:59:03.02] As you've been feeling real shit for a long time in red,

[00:59:03.02 -> 00:59:05.42] let's get you out as quickly as possible.

[00:59:05.42 -> 00:59:08.62] What I'm talking about is I've learned how to get

[00:59:08.62 -> 00:59:11.34] in between these states up and down.

[00:59:11.34 -> 00:59:15.78] And I have chosen to spend more time in the red

[00:59:15.78 -> 00:59:20.46] by choice versus as a prisoner of my own emotions

[00:59:20.46 -> 00:59:21.62] and feelings and thoughts.

[00:59:21.62 -> 00:59:22.46] Right?

[00:59:22.46 -> 00:59:23.30] So it's different.

[00:59:23.30 -> 00:59:26.30] If you're listening to this and you feel like you're a prisoner

[00:59:26.30 -> 00:59:29.34] to your own thoughts, your own mindset, your own anxieties,

[00:59:29.34 -> 00:59:33.42] your own swirling, your own obtrusive thoughts patterns,

[00:59:33.42 -> 00:59:37.70] then Marla has techniques that can show you ways

[00:59:37.70 -> 00:59:41.06] to pop up out of that, to regain your agency,

[00:59:41.06 -> 00:59:44.50] regain your control over yourself and your experience

[00:59:44.50 -> 00:59:46.90] so that you can move up and get moving

[00:59:46.90 -> 00:59:48.82] and pull yourself out of that feeling.

[00:59:48.82 -> 00:59:52.58] So Marla, could you tell us those couple of techniques

[00:59:52.58 -> 00:59:53.74] with the time that we have left,

[00:59:53.74 -> 00:59:58.22] like that they could use to pop up from one level

[00:59:58.22 -> 00:59:59.38] and into the next.

[00:59:59.38 -> 01:00:00.22] These are...

[01:00:00.00 -> 01:00:06.24] game changers. Yes. And I also have a free training on this on our ethical sales

[01:00:06.24 -> 01:00:11.44] institute.com website. So they can go through that whole one hour training. It's free.

[01:00:12.32 -> 01:00:14.40] You don't even have to opt in if you don't want to, but you can't.

[01:00:14.40 -> 01:00:16.16] We'll put it in the show notes for everybody.

[01:00:16.16 -> 01:00:20.16] Okay, perfect. You should listen to what I've seen. It's good. Yeah, it's very good.

[01:00:21.04 -> 01:00:25.28] It explains the nervous system and a little bit more about my background and how I got to do what

[01:00:25.28 -> 01:00:34.00] what I'm doing. So Hannah's mentioning movement. So one of the fastest ways to move beyond

[01:00:34.00 -> 01:00:40.04] your state, your current state, if you're feeling sad, if you're feeling depressed, if

[01:00:40.04 -> 01:00:47.92] you're feeling scared, nervous, irritated, annoyed, angry, some emotion that is other

[01:00:47.92 -> 01:00:54.08] than joy isn't happy. Okay. And you are feeling like a victim to it. You're feeling

[01:00:54.08 -> 01:01:00.10] the mercy of that emotion. We all go through that. The fastest way to move

[01:01:00.10 -> 01:01:05.62] beyond that is to actually move your body. And so if you're in red where you

[01:01:05.62 -> 01:01:10.14] are literally starting to go into collapse, meaning you're starting to

[01:01:10.14 -> 01:01:16.14] doom scroll, right, on your phone, or you're just sitting there eating and not

[01:01:16.14 -> 01:01:21.78] really paying attention, or you're going into stillness, but from a frozen

[01:01:21.78 -> 01:01:28.74] perspective. That's the time where you do what I call roll your joints. So we have all these

[01:01:28.74 -> 01:01:33.94] joints in our body. It's not this kind of joint. It's the it's actually the joints in your body.

[01:01:34.98 -> 01:01:39.54] And it's the easiest thing you can do when you can do it anywhere. Start rolling your wrists

[01:01:39.54 -> 01:01:43.78] around. Start and do it now. Everybody do it while you're listening. Let's do it. Everybody do it.

[01:01:43.78 -> 01:01:51.54] Minor cracking. Start moving your finger joints. Roll your elbows. Your shoulder.

[01:01:51.54 -> 01:01:53.06] I'm actually to my neck.

[01:01:53.06 -> 01:01:56.50] I'm like, your neck, your jaw is a joint, right?

[01:01:56.50 -> 01:01:58.10] And you're spined.

[01:01:58.10 -> 01:01:59.42] It does all kinds of things.

[01:01:59.42 -> 01:02:00.22] What does it do?

[01:02:00.22 -> 01:02:05.22] Move it, move the joints, the hip joints, the knees,

[01:02:05.50 -> 01:02:06.94] the ankles and the toes.

[01:02:06.94 -> 01:02:08.22] Just start moving the joints.

[01:02:08.22 -> 01:02:13.14] That alone will move you gently, gently, okay?

[01:02:13.14 -> 01:02:16.46] So if you're in red feeling kind of like, I'm done,

[01:02:16.46 -> 01:02:17.78] I can't do this anymore.

[01:02:17.78 -> 01:02:19.86] I'm out, like start rolling your joints.

[01:02:19.86 -> 01:02:22.46] That will move you into yellow.

[01:02:22.46 -> 01:02:25.02] Yellow is a mobilized state.

[01:02:25.02 -> 01:02:27.06] If you wanna go from yellow to green

[01:02:27.06 -> 01:02:29.50] where you're like, I'm good and again, okay?

[01:02:29.50 -> 01:02:31.82] Then you want to do two things.

[01:02:31.82 -> 01:02:33.70] You wanna shake your body out.

[01:02:34.70 -> 01:02:37.06] So you wanna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.

[01:02:37.06 -> 01:02:38.34] We're shaking here, shake it up.

[01:02:38.34 -> 01:02:39.46] I can shake it off, shake it off, shake it off.

[01:02:39.46 -> 01:02:41.66] Taylor said, all right, shake it off.

[01:02:41.66 -> 01:02:43.10] She had it right.

[01:02:43.10 -> 01:02:45.26] Right, shake it off.

[01:02:45.26 -> 01:02:48.14] Right, and then then be in stillness for a moment.

[01:02:48.14 -> 01:02:51.46] You can feel all that energy now moving in your body.

[01:02:51.46 -> 01:02:54.58] And then you do what I call, stretch your sweater.

[01:02:54.58 -> 01:02:59.06] So a sweater, if you pull a sweater from here, it moves up here, right?

[01:02:59.06 -> 01:03:06.30] Well, the fasha in our body is like a sweater like substance that's very, very thin

[01:03:06.30 -> 01:03:11.58] and covers every bone, muscle, tendon, ligament, artery vein, et cetera.

[01:03:11.58 -> 01:03:17.34] So you do that by spreading your fingers out, spreading your palms out.

[01:03:17.34 -> 01:03:19.14] The movement is different.

[01:03:19.14 -> 01:03:21.70] If you're not watching us on video,

[01:03:21.70 -> 01:03:22.94] you might want to check out the video on it.

[01:03:22.94 -> 01:03:26.50] The capitol, like a bear out of the hibernation cave stretch.

[01:03:26.50 -> 01:03:28.30] It's like, yeah.

[01:03:28.30 -> 01:03:30.58] And it's like stretching your skin.

[01:03:30.58 -> 01:03:33.90] See if you can stretch your neck skin

[01:03:33.90 -> 01:03:38.90] by pulling your chin back and stretch your back skin.

[01:03:40.14 -> 01:03:42.78] I always say stretch your butt sweater.

[01:03:42.78 -> 01:03:44.30] You've got a butt.

[01:03:44.30 -> 01:03:46.10] You got fosh on your butt too.

[01:03:46.10 -> 01:03:50.00] Like stretch all the different skin areas

[01:03:50.00 -> 01:03:51.40] that you can see.

[01:03:51.40 -> 01:03:54.70] You can like put your legs out real wide.

[01:03:54.70 -> 01:03:56.44] So that's a different kind of,

[01:03:56.44 -> 01:03:59.14] you can stretch your side sweaters.

[01:03:59.14 -> 01:03:59.98] Right?

[01:03:59.98 -> 01:04:01.76] And that's a different kind of movement.

[01:04:01.76 -> 01:04:03.46] And when you do that,

[01:04:03.46 -> 01:04:05.62] it actually brings a little bit of levity

[01:04:05.62 -> 01:04:09.58] back into your, you start breathing more.

[01:04:09.58 -> 01:04:11.62] And now you're oxygenating your blood

[01:04:11.62 -> 01:04:13.34] and you're doing it with awareness.

[01:04:13.34 -> 01:04:17.46] you're doing it so that you're moving from yellow to green.

[01:04:17.46 -> 01:04:18.46] Okay.

[01:04:18.46 -> 01:04:22.98] And if you keep dropping back down into yellow,

[01:04:22.98 -> 01:04:25.50] like getting angry again or then, you know,

[01:04:25.50 -> 01:04:30.50] getting irritated again, do the fossils stretch again.

[01:04:30.62 -> 01:04:32.42] Do another round of it.

[01:04:32.42 -> 01:04:35.54] Do another round of it and really stretch that butt sweater.

[01:04:35.54 -> 01:04:37.02] Because that's the one where you're like,

[01:04:37.02 -> 01:04:39.46] I'm stretching my butt sweater and it's funny.

[01:04:39.46 -> 01:04:42.18] You're gonna let it be funny, then you can start having

[01:04:42.18 -> 01:04:43.10] a little bit of levity.

[01:04:43.10 -> 01:04:48.10] So those are three real simple, easy to follow,

[01:04:48.14 -> 01:04:50.34] physical body movements.

[01:04:50.34 -> 01:04:52.38] You can also do what Hannah did.

[01:04:52.38 -> 01:04:54.86] She's like, okay, three, two, one, I'm up,

[01:04:54.86 -> 01:04:57.42] I'm getting up, I'm walking somewhere.

[01:04:57.42 -> 01:05:00.14] Go walk somewhere, it's the best exercise.

[01:05:00.14 -> 01:05:02.14] I didn't really go outside, I didn't do that.

[01:05:02.14 -> 01:05:02.98] No outside.

[01:05:02.98 -> 01:05:05.26] I should have, I could have anyway.

[01:05:05.26 -> 01:05:07.46] Yeah, get into nature.

[01:05:07.46 -> 01:05:09.54] If you can take your shoes off and get your feet

[01:05:09.54 -> 01:05:11.98] into some sort of nature, whether it's rocks

[01:05:11.98 -> 01:05:15.22] or grass or dirt or something.

[01:05:15.22 -> 01:05:16.58] It's very, very helpful.

[01:05:16.58 -> 01:05:19.90] Or you can also splash some cold water on the back of your neck.

[01:05:20.94 -> 01:05:24.54] Aromatherapy, like lavender is really helpful.

[01:05:24.54 -> 01:05:26.82] You wanna have some nourishing ways

[01:05:26.82 -> 01:05:28.70] to shift your state.

[01:05:28.70 -> 01:05:30.74] Movement is the number one way.

[01:05:30.74 -> 01:05:34.02] And if you start small with just rolling your joints,

[01:05:34.02 -> 01:05:35.90] that's gonna help mobilize you.

[01:05:35.90 -> 01:05:37.34] And then you'll be shocked.

[01:05:37.34 -> 01:05:38.54] It starts to have a little bit.

[01:05:38.54 -> 01:05:40.06] Here's the thing, y'all.

[01:05:40.06 -> 01:05:44.74] Marla first said this and I heard it from her many years ago at this point.

[01:05:44.74 -> 01:05:49.86] And I was like, I roll like, okay, you know, shaking, shaking it all.

[01:05:49.86 -> 01:05:55.26] Like, listen, have you, have you listened to shake it off and actually shaked it off?

[01:05:55.26 -> 01:05:56.78] And afterwards felt bad.

[01:05:56.78 -> 01:05:57.78] No, you have not.

[01:05:57.78 -> 01:06:00.70] Like, even like, you just don't.

[01:06:00.70 -> 01:06:07.82] And there's something to those small subtleties that if you bring these tools in to your

[01:06:07.82 -> 01:06:12.14] told Bell what you're in the middle of your divorce thinking about it after it custody

[01:06:12.14 -> 01:06:13.78] drama, whatever.

[01:06:13.78 -> 01:06:19.82] And you're feeling freeze, anger, red, you know, red emotions.

[01:06:19.82 -> 01:06:21.58] And you want to pop up from there right.

[01:06:21.58 -> 01:06:25.14] You're going to just roll those joints, not like a whoo-hoo kind of joint, but roll your

[01:06:25.14 -> 01:06:27.42] knuckles and all that kind of joint.

[01:06:27.42 -> 01:06:29.98] And then if you're like, okay, I'm like, I'm moving.

[01:06:29.98 -> 01:06:32.82] I'm at least like up in the yellow state.

[01:06:32.82 -> 01:06:34.42] And maybe I'm kind of blaming people.

[01:06:34.42 -> 01:06:36.82] I'm like a little bit more mobile.

[01:06:36.82 -> 01:06:40.44] and then pop it up from there to do the shake it off

[01:06:40.44 -> 01:06:42.34] and to do your stretch your sweater.

[01:06:42.34 -> 01:06:45.36] If you do that, you will have a different experience.

[01:06:45.36 -> 01:06:48.18] I'm just telling you, from my own life,

[01:06:48.18 -> 01:06:50.16] I've having done it over the years,

[01:06:50.16 -> 01:06:51.48] it seems too simple.

[01:06:51.48 -> 01:06:52.80] And sometimes the simplest stuff is that,

[01:06:52.80 -> 01:06:53.88] like what do you need to do?

[01:06:53.88 -> 01:06:55.76] You actually probably need a nap.

[01:06:55.76 -> 01:06:58.72] You probably need a big, a wall of full of water.

[01:06:58.72 -> 01:07:00.72] You might need a bull dig,

[01:07:00.72 -> 01:07:02.72] and you need a roller joint stretch of sweater

[01:07:02.72 -> 01:07:03.96] and shake it off, right?

[01:07:03.96 -> 01:07:06.56] So, okay, Marla, now thank you.

[01:07:06.56 -> 01:07:11.08] Oh my gosh, we are like totally up against time here today,

[01:07:11.08 -> 01:07:15.60] but I can't let you leave without at least asking one question.

[01:07:15.60 -> 01:07:19.96] If you could only tell the women of divorce land, one thing.

[01:07:19.96 -> 01:07:22.76] Okay, for Marla, I said like my Marla's greatest hits,

[01:07:22.76 -> 01:07:26.08] but if you were gonna tell them one thing to take away

[01:07:26.08 -> 01:07:27.92] that you wanna make sure they know from you,

[01:07:27.92 -> 01:07:29.20] what would that be?

[01:07:29.20 -> 01:07:31.60] I'd say you're doing it perfectly.

[01:07:31.60 -> 01:07:35.92] It is, if you really let yourself feel the perfection

[01:07:35.92 -> 01:07:39.56] of the mess and the lessons that you're learning

[01:07:39.56 -> 01:07:41.64] in this state that you're in right now,

[01:07:41.64 -> 01:07:44.32] at this particular time in history,

[01:07:44.32 -> 01:07:47.40] this particular time in your marriage,

[01:07:47.40 -> 01:07:50.92] this particular, all these experiences you're having,

[01:07:50.92 -> 01:07:53.48] if you really can take it in,

[01:07:53.48 -> 01:07:56.48] that in fact you really are doing it perfectly.

[01:07:56.48 -> 01:07:58.84] And so is everybody else.

[01:07:58.84 -> 01:08:01.48] We're all getting our perfect lessons here.

[01:08:01.48 -> 01:08:05.72] And when you do that, and then you ask the question,

[01:08:05.72 -> 01:08:08.72] What's the highest choice for all involved?

[01:08:09.72 -> 01:08:11.92] Right? You have, you need to make a choice on something.

[01:08:12.12 -> 01:08:14.42] What's the highest choice for all involved?

[01:08:14.82 -> 01:08:19.32] So the combination of you're doing it perfectly and in this scenario,

[01:08:19.32 -> 01:08:23.12] where I need to make a decision, what's the high, out of all the choices I could

[01:08:23.12 -> 01:08:28.02] make, what's the highest choice that I can make for all involved?

[01:08:28.22 -> 01:08:32.42] That will help you make high integrity choices when you really want to stick it

[01:08:32.42 -> 01:08:36.86] to them, right? And it's going to help you make high integrity choices that you're going

[01:08:36.86 -> 01:08:43.78] to feel really proud of yourself through this entire process and beyond. Because you really,

[01:08:43.78 -> 01:08:49.34] really did it perfectly. Yeah. And even if it's messy and all the mistakes, I know for myself,

[01:08:49.34 -> 01:08:53.94] I made a lot of them. I still do. But especially, you know, when I was in the thick of all

[01:08:53.94 -> 01:08:58.94] of this, a million mistakes, there's a lot of things now with the wisdom I have now, I

[01:08:58.94 -> 01:09:02.34] might go back and do differently, but like all things work for good.

[01:09:02.90 -> 01:09:04.14] And that's my belief.

[01:09:04.70 -> 01:09:08.46] And that's why Marla can say to you and gift you that phrase.

[01:09:08.74 -> 01:09:09.98] And you're hearing it from me too.

[01:09:09.98 -> 01:09:13.14] And you take it like you're doing it perfectly.

[01:09:13.22 -> 01:09:16.78] It will all come together in the end.

[01:09:17.06 -> 01:09:21.18] We're both divorced many years now so we can tell you that even through the

[01:09:21.18 -> 01:09:25.42] messages that we made, um, it all ended up working for the best.

[01:09:25.42 -> 01:09:29.22] So Marla, thank you so much for the gift of everything you've given me.

[01:09:29.22 -> 01:09:32.70] And now that we could share with everybody else so they could have just like the cliffs

[01:09:32.70 -> 01:09:38.14] notes of a lot of years and a lot of time we've spent together learning those real

[01:09:38.14 -> 01:09:39.30] hard lessons.

[01:09:39.30 -> 01:09:43.34] But if you will let them penetrate through the audio waves or wherever you are or wherever

[01:09:43.34 -> 01:09:47.82] you're listening to this and come back because some of it you'll hear the second time.

[01:09:47.82 -> 01:09:52.42] And just trust me, your old friend, Hannah, your divorce sister over here, that those

[01:09:52.42 -> 01:09:57.86] little bits as simple as they may seem. Really could hold the keys to unlock an entire

[01:09:57.86 -> 01:10:00.10] different life experience for you. I know it's...

[01:10:00.00 -> 01:10:03.60] for me and I'm really grateful to you Marla for sharing all that with me all

[01:10:03.60 -> 01:10:07.76] this time and for giving that to everybody. Us all together today. I love you.

[01:10:07.76 -> 01:10:12.16] Thank you. I love you. Thank you so much.