00:00:00.520 — 00:02:01.820 · Speaker 1

Let's be honest. Most of us were taught to wait our turn to tone it down to save it for later. Later, when the kids are grown. Later when the timing is right. Later when you finally stop caring what they think. Well, I'm done waiting. I'm Hannah Henry Bell, Texas divorce lawyer, mom and woman who rebuilt her life from the wreckage.

This is not saving it for later. The podcast guiding women through divorce and beyond. The place where we stop whispering about what's hard and start talking about what's real. Marriage, divorce, money, motherhood, faith, sex. Power. No filters, no fake empowerment BS, just straight talk and practical truth for women who are done pretending that everything's fine because your next chapter isn't waiting on permission, and neither are we.

Okay, everybody, I am so excited. We have an amazing guest today. Tall, witty and tall is one of those people. And I've told him this to his face. And I'm going to say it all over God's great internet, who is a what I call a singular person on the planet. And yeah, we all are. Okay. But then you meet these people sometimes who you're around them and you're like, wow, I don't think I'm ever going to be the same again.

And tall, I know has that impact on so many people. I am not a singular person in saying that, but his presence in my life, his friendship, his guidance and counsel has truly moved the needle in my whole life experience in a relatively short period of time. Uh, tall. So I mean, how to even describe you? Or like, how to give the right context?

What more I can say than that? I don't know, but how would you describe where we meet? Tall as of today and like, your place in the world. What's you're up to? I mean, normally it's like, well, I'm a dentist, right?

00:02:01.860 — 00:02:02.260 · Speaker 2

Like,

00:02:03.740 — 00:03:20.830 · Speaker 2

well, thank you for such an amazing introduction. And it took me quite some time to really be able to walk in the space that you're speaking about and own it. And I recognize that in the work that I do, if I don't own my space, I show other people how to not own their shine. And so many people call me the Dun dude, because when you're done living how you've been living, when you're done with the coaches and the therapy, and you really want to get down to the foundations of who you are and what you want to do.

You come see me. Some people call me the Impossibility Alchemist because the things that they've thought were completely impossible. I showed them how to move that from impossibility to the consideration of it being a possibility, then moving that possibility into probability and that probability into actuality.

So they take steps in that space. And as a person who was ridiculously dishonest for most of his life and lied about everything and hated himself relentlessly, I now have the honor of working with amazing human beings like yourself and seeing themselves in ways they never thought possible. So that's how I would describe what I do.

00:03:20.870 — 00:03:30.710 · Speaker 1

Yeah, and like to give some context for people too. And one of the things I've super appreciated about knowing you is you were a nurse or a nurse. We're a nurse.

00:03:30.750 — 00:03:31.950 · Speaker 2

You never stopped being a nurse.

00:03:31.990 — 00:03:32.150 · Speaker 1

Right.

00:03:32.150 — 00:03:32.510 · Speaker 2

I'm like, how.

00:03:32.510 — 00:03:33.670 · Speaker 3

Do you say that? Right?

00:03:33.710 — 00:04:42.229 · Speaker 1

For a long time in inner city, New York and have seen things. Uh, and one of the I think what what that does in in making you different than the whole Instagram world of all these coach sorts and all of that, all the containers and whatnot. Is this rootedness in the body and your understanding of the science of that, and just working with a lot of bodies in all different sorts of conditions and all attached to a lot of different kinds of minds, right, with lots of different ailments and challenges and things and, um, marrying the personal growth work and the change in evolution and the coach type stuff with the body and bringing those two things together, like not leaving either one behind.

I think is super informative and and makes what you do so rooted in that practical. A plus b equals C like tol is never going to leave you hanging of like. But how do I literally actually do that. Right. And

00:04:43.350 — 00:04:51.630 · Speaker 1

that you brought up even in talking about yourself talk about honesty. And of all the things I've learned from you, of which there have already been many.

00:04:53.040 — 00:05:43.640 · Speaker 1

The concept of being radically honest is the most transformative. Now, I'm going to back up a little bit because for me, I would say about myself in general, as a person, I am. I've always been honest. I always tell the truth. I'm not a liar like my dad did. I mean, my dad didn't raise me to be a liar. I would I mean, if I would have told a lot of him death, murder, daggers over like in terms of objectively verifiable information, I would not have said that I took the trash out when I didn't take the trash out.

Right. Those kinds of flies, um, didn't really happen. And fast forward about, you know, 40 years. And I was introduced to the concept of human design by our friend Marilyn Manson. Wherever she is. May God bless.

00:05:43.640 — 00:05:44.760 · Speaker 4

Marilyn I love Marlo.

00:05:44.800 — 00:06:05.690 · Speaker 1

Oh so good. Marla, we love you. I know you'll see this one. Um, and anyway, human design, y'all, for those of you who are not in that universe, you might want to Google it. Just like proceed with caution because it's it's kind of weird. I would think all of it is hogwash, but for the fact that it represents a lot of truth in my own experience.

Um, because it sounds kind of crazy, but anyways,

00:06:06.730 — 00:06:29.369 · Speaker 1

sort of what you can learn through some of that is something they call Gene keys, right? These sort of other pieces of information you can learn about yourself. Anyway, one of those, the shadow sides of one of those for me was dishonesty. That that shows up in me is dishonesty. And I was appalled like, this is stupid, I why would this say that I'm dishonest?

Like it's lying, I am honest

00:06:31.130 — 00:06:37.489 · Speaker 1

and I by that point had the wisdom and humility enough to realize that

00:06:38.770 — 00:07:36.020 · Speaker 1

there's probably something to that piece of information, because everything else I've learned about this stuff is wrong. True. For me, Marla's guidance has rung true for me, and the more I sat with that I learned on. AU contraire. My dishonesty wasn't slash isn't. It's still a work in progress. Isn't so overt as a bold face.

Lie in your face. It's a lot more subtle than that. It's saying yes when I mean no. It's not speaking the truth about the situation. Because for me, I see the truth. I see the wisdom in situations pretty much in any situation I'm in all the time and not, um, speaking in reality of how I really feel or likewise.

That seems a little bit like, oh, poor me. You know, I didn't say the truth or say the truth. I've felt. And it's more like also

00:07:37.060 — 00:10:04.320 · Speaker 1

subtly moving through energies and situations to accomplish a goal without being, uh, fully honest, maybe about my intentions. I may not even know exactly what my intentions are. I guess so what I mean to say is I've, as an adult, learned a lot about how dishonesty can show up. And had I had the awareness, you've helped me learn about honesty.

When I was married the first time, or when I was dating the person that I got married to the first time, I would have never gotten married, ever. If I would have been honest with myself, if I'd have been honest in the situation, if I would have spoken the truth of who I was and not acted like everything was fine when it wasn't fine, and not, um, diminished my own desires once what I felt in my spirit, just to like, hold those back, to be smaller in those ways.

And had I been more fully honest, I never would have found myself in that situation. So for me, in all the things that I've learned through you, I think that's been one of the ones that's most important. And y'all hang with me on this. So I wonder if you can talk a bit about honesty and how that shows up, especially to a lot of the women who are listening?

Um, we've talked a lot on the show about us carrying our old patterns. For me, it would have been a pattern of this, like subtle, maybe not. So it wasn't subtle to my body, but, you know, it wasn't overt line. But this dishonesty and carrying that forward. And I brought it into my relationship with my now husband, drew, um, it was not healed.

It was not handled. You know, pick me. Energy is dishonest, right? And I absolutely had to pick me energy at first. Like wanting to be wanted then. Then you're contorting yourself every which way to be wanted by this other person. And a lot of us carry the same pattern forward. So I want to talk about your take on honesty and how it's likely that a lot of the people listening are not being honest in their current situation, whether they're thinking about getting divorced, thinking about getting married already divorced and they're dating somebody else, like, and how that may ruin whatever, or it has the potential to take down whatever new circumstances they find themselves in.

00:10:04.360 — 00:10:09.320 · Speaker 2

So good. Oh. So much. You've given me a lot. A lot of loaded stuff to lean into.

00:10:09.360 — 00:10:10.840 · Speaker 1

Yes. Go. Okay. Go.

00:10:10.960 — 00:11:39.730 · Speaker 2

So the pick me energy dynamic is a very fascinating place that I see all the time. And when somebody likes you or they want to be around you, and they will automatically lie to themselves to fashion themselves in a way they think you should see them to like them. And so that sets the stage for dishonesty. And I could dive really deep into the pigmy energy.

First I want to talk about what honesty is in the first place. And in order to really lean into honesty, I have a context around the truth. Truth is the individual's right. You as an individual, me as an individual. And then we have a group dynamic around truth. But it is primarily the individual's perception of their actuality in freedom.

So your free expression, your free self, your free being is your truth. Now honesty is your expression of that truth. So if I feel angry, if I feel afraid, my ability to freely express that is my honesty. How honest I am is how much I am able to let that expression out. How dishonest I am is how much I am expressing what is not my free expression.

Does that make sense?

00:11:39.770 — 00:11:41.660 · Speaker 3

Okay, yeah, I'm thinking of the the.

00:11:41.700 — 00:11:43.020 · Speaker 1

Safety component.

00:11:43.340 — 00:11:44.260 · Speaker 3

To it. Right.

00:11:44.260 — 00:13:04.790 · Speaker 2

So there's there's a lot around safety. There's a lot around etiquette. And we get taught that etiquette is having good manners and letting people see the the pleasant side of us, the good side, the appropriate side, whatever was deemed as appropriate for us on a social level. So we get taught to hide our truths in a space that's dishonest.

So when I hide my truth, I am expressing dishonesty. When I let my truth out, I am expressing honesty. Right? And so dishonesty comes in many forms. It's not just lies, it's masking. It's hiding, it's inauthenticity. It's blunting, it's evasion. Sometimes it's wearing clothes, sometimes it's wearing makeup, sometimes it's putting on a binder so you hold in your belly fat.

All of these things are forms of dishonesty, but they are seen as making something look pleasant. There's an idea or a belief behind something that who you are on a foundational level, there's something wrong with it. So you have to hide that. And so this dishonesty space is very important because most of us live in dishonesty.

Now the human organism is born in honesty, in its full truth. But we start early with hushing babies.

00:13:04.830 — 00:13:05.230 · Speaker 4

Sure.

00:13:06.150 — 00:13:14.870 · Speaker 2

You're fine. You're fine. When the baby may not be fine. Right? And you tell the baby the baby's fine. And you look to hush it because the noise is inconvenient.

00:13:14.910 — 00:13:16.230 · Speaker 1

Yeah, I've done it four times now.

00:13:16.270 — 00:13:16.830 · Speaker 3

Right. Yeah.

00:13:17.190 — 00:17:18.980 · Speaker 2

So? So this is where we start off hushing human beings from a very, very early age and getting them into a space where they behave in a convenient manner. And we learn that from a very, very early age to make things convenient for other people. So we learn how to be dishonest and outside of our full expression.

Now, I'm not saying that, uh, loud, wild kid is convenient for everybody, and you shouldn't, uh, hush your kid. And how far do we go with that to program our children? That becomes that become adults later on. So in that space, when we look at if you look at a lion out in the Serengeti, sitting out on the plane and it's just sitting there and it decides to roar, nobody's saying, hey, shut up, you're making too much noise.

It just roars, because that's the lion's truth. The lion walks in its truth, right? Human beings are taught not to be in that truth, not to be in that full expression of honesty. And that is what holds us back. And so we learn that we get acceptance when we behave a certain way. We learn that we receive love.

If we are polite, we receive love. If we're quiet, we receive love. If we dress a certain way, we receive love. If we hold the fork in this hand and a knife in this hand, and we chew with our mouth close, We receive love in that space. If we don't do that, we get chastised, we get punished. We get demeaned, we get shamed, we get put aside, we get isolated.

And when we get isolated, that is what kills us. As human beings, we're pack animals. And so when we get separated, it's it's actually detrimental to the physical organism. So we learn to cling on to that connection through being dishonest. And we're born honest. We are designed to be honest. But the build is around dishonesty.

And so we build these bodies over a gradient of time that get habituated into being dishonest. And that's where it becomes really challenging to speak your truth, when in actuality it's not challenging to speak your truth. It's challenging to hold it back. And so it's like we we create this shield around ourselves.

We create this body. That's this, this vault. I call it vaulting. We create this body that's a vault to holding the truth. So when we say it's hard to tell the truth, it's not really hard to tell the truth. It's hard to keep it in. And we're challenged by that. And so the body becomes this callous, it becomes this fortress to hold the truth in.

And that's where when we get into relationships with people down the road, we're hiding our truths because we want approval. We want people to please to be pleased by our our presentation. Always dressed your nicest on a date when you know you in sweats all the time at home, right? But you look nice and you have this makeup on and you, you make sure your suit is pressed and you go out and you go on these dates and you court this person, you get them and you wrangle them in.

And then after about a year, the cat comes out of the bag and you get to see this the, the, the real deal. And that's when it's like, I didn't sign up for this. What's going on? And so then the person's true colors start to come out as they become locked in a situation. Maybe they get married and now they're in the situation that is being governed by a church, it's being governed by a political situation that's being governed by society, that's being governed by a government that says that you have to stay with this person.

And there are challenges if you break apart from this relationship. And so we get roped into a dynamic and we don't really understand what that dynamic is, because we haven't really explored ourselves first and the truth and the honesty within ourselves. And that's where I find in the work that I do with couples, the work that I find that I do with individuals as well, and business partners that are splitting apart, that are having challenges, is they can't be honest with themselves, and then they can't be honest with the partner, because you can only be as honest with somebody else as you are with yourself.

Yeah.

00:17:19.660 — 00:17:20.060 · Speaker 3

Yeah.

00:17:20.100 — 00:17:29.099 · Speaker 1

I mean, because what I'm thinking about is just sort of slowing this down and applying it a little bit to people who are in the middle of it. Right? So

00:17:30.100 — 00:17:37.110 · Speaker 1

what I'm hearing you say is, you know, I'm thinking of the people who are in stuck in a marriage, right? Or they feel.

00:17:37.110 — 00:17:37.550 · Speaker 3

Stuck.

00:17:37.590 — 00:17:38.590 · Speaker 1

You know, we were never stuck.

00:17:38.590 — 00:17:38.910 · Speaker 3

Stuck.

00:17:38.910 — 00:18:06.430 · Speaker 1

But you can feel stuck. And it's probably not super easy to hear us talk about the fact that probably part of what got you into this situation was a lack of honesty. Right? And that I, you know, I can only speak for myself like back then. Um, always, always, always trying to not be angry. Man, I spent a lot of my life trying not to get.

00:18:06.470 — 00:18:07.230 · Speaker 3

Activated.

00:18:07.230 — 00:20:25.450 · Speaker 1

Not to be heeded. Now, what I know about myself 42 years in is my anger is righteous. My anger is a message. I don't just get angry. I'm not an angry person. When anger is coming through. It comes in usually as like wrath. And it's when something is out of alignment with me, my purpose, whatever. And that anger for me is telling me something important.

But I sing all my life feeling like women shouldn't be angry. Why are you so mad? What are you. What are you on your period or whatever? You know, back in the day. And so I spent most of my life trying to not listen to any anger and not be angry. And then in my, you know, the relationship that led to marriage, getting mad about the drinking and mad about the different things that were happening, but then trying to not be crazy and not be angry about it.

Stuff that shit down, um, make do and deal. And I like, you know, I, I don't like breaking up. I don't like not people not being in my life anymore or whatever, and, like, sticking it out and figuring it out and, um, and pushing that anger down. And it had I not done that and listened to the anger and what it meant is that being with was someone who enjoyed alcohol to an excess of what I thought was an excessive amount often made me feel angry.

It wasn't in line with me and what I wanted, and had I been honest enough to say that. But I think you know what I what I'm thinking about is being that honest also required a recognition of my own self-worth and that because if I was that honest, when I think back in those people listenings, women listening who are really honest about how they really fear feel, right behind that is this idea of.

But I won't get anything better. I mean, it just is what it is. I need to make do. I should be grateful. And this, this lack of recognition of self-worth. Do you see that tie of this sort of like people can only, you know, getting to an honest level or like honesty taking to a point, but then how it starts to interact with your self-concept and self-worth?

00:20:25.450 — 00:21:05.420 · Speaker 2

Definitely When you think about anger in and of itself. Anger is a protective mechanism. And I invite your listeners. I invite you, if you're listening, to write this down, your anger is never unwarranted. Never. Your anger can be inconvenient for other people. So we get taught to hush that anger. Anger only comes online when there's something that needs to be protected.

That's the only time. And so if something is not safe, your anger will come online. But we get taught not to listen to that, and that is a dishonest space. I'm not being honest with myself. You need to quiet that down. You need to not say anything. You need to. You need to.

00:21:05.620 — 00:21:08.100 · Speaker 1

It's not such a big deal. Why are you making this such a big deal?

00:21:08.140 — 00:21:30.350 · Speaker 2

And so you get you get in the form of what is popular now that people call gaslighting, right? That you don't need to be angry when everything in your soul is telling you to run, to fight off, to get away, to get out of here, to stand up for yourself. But you've been taught to quell that. And that's a challenge.

00:21:30.350 — 00:21:52.109 · Speaker 5

Before we go any further, let me ask you something. What if you didn't have to Google your way through divorce at 2 a.m.? What if you actually had a place with real women's talk to real answers in real time? That's the circle. It's where I go live every single week, unpack the hard stuff and help you stop spinning.

Go to my confident divorce

00:21:53.390 — 00:23:50.680 · Speaker 5

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00:23:52.440 — 00:24:07.320 · Speaker 2

The other thing I invite people to write down is that dishonesty is an anger device. White dishonesty is an anger device. When we are dishonest, what are we doing? Why are we being dishonest?

00:24:08.960 — 00:24:10.040 · Speaker 2

We're protecting something.

00:24:10.080 — 00:24:12.080 · Speaker 1

Yeah, we're afraid of what will happen if we're not.

00:24:12.120 — 00:24:19.360 · Speaker 2

We're protecting something, right? And so you will hide the truth or you will hide yourself from the truth. If the truth is a threat.

00:24:20.370 — 00:25:18.450 · Speaker 2

Anger comes online when there's a threat. So does fright. Fright comes online when there's a threat. Right. And so? So dishonesty is usually I when I see it, it's usually connected to anger or fright. Right. Maybe both. And when we have fight or flight, fight is lean in. Fright is. Lean out, lean away. They can both come with anger and both of them.

And so these are protective mechanisms. Any time a person is dishonest, it's a protective mechanism. You're taught to protect something, to protect your parents from your truth, to protect the people around you from your anger. Just quell your anger. Go to anger management. Have your anger managed.

That is the worst idea in the world to manage your anger. What happened to anger? Navigation? What's making me feel so unsafe? But instead, you need to control that. You need to beat into this pillow. You need to manage it instead of getting safe.

00:25:18.820 — 00:25:38.339 · Speaker 1

Yeah. So interesting. Like, a lot of people listening, probably deal with some pretty angry husbands. I mean, I think a thing that a lot of us have is navigating a man's temper. Yeah. And I certainly had that experience. Don't like that experience. Now a temper

00:25:39.700 — 00:25:51.420 · Speaker 1

and maybe they're different, but a I'm allergic to a big old temper. This is near me. I'm going. I'm out. I am out of the situation. You're not about to get a big old temper in my face. Like throw a fit. No, sir. Mhm.

00:25:51.460 — 00:26:46.990 · Speaker 2

Right. And they don't know how to navigate their anger. Any man, any woman, any child, any person that is angry and has a temper is not safe. They can they will posture and present like they're in charge of everything. They are terrified. Any kind of tyrant okay. Any person who is tyrannical and a person who throws a temper, a temper and leans in to get you to to back down is in a tyrannical space.

This is what we would call a tyrant. We have government tyrants. We have dictators. We have all these types of things. They are all terrified. They always have a security detail. They always have bodyguards. They always have a militia right to to make sure they may be really big in stature. They go to the gym and make sure that everybody backs down.

This is a terror complex, and these people move into a space where they have to be powerful over the environment because they feel powerless inside.

00:26:47.030 — 00:26:48.670 · Speaker 1

Okay, we got to stop.

00:26:48.670 — 00:26:49.830 · Speaker 6

Right there for just a second.

00:26:50.470 — 00:27:33.160 · Speaker 1

Because I think a lot of people have this experience. And when you're on the receiving end of their temper. Mhm. It doesn't feel like they're you, you feel scared what they might do how this is going to ruin the vacation. How. Oh here we go. Like and then I think a lot of women's experience then is in reaction to this male temper walking on eggshells.

So they don't do something to trigger this temper. Right. So what do you say to her? Like, I mean, because in the moment, the idea that this person is scared is wild when it feels so scary to be the person that they're coming at, the idea that that big, scary dude is scared. Seems like you must be joking.

00:27:33.200 — 00:28:50.930 · Speaker 2

Yeah. Hurt people. Hurt people. Have you heard that before? Yeah. Hurt people. Hurt people. And anytime someone is in a space where they have to be in charge of everything, I don't need to be in charge of my relationship with Cole. Cole is quite capable of taking care of herself. I don't need to be in control of her at all.

Not once, not one moment. But when I feel like I. If I feel like I have to take charge of her, there's something that's not safe. Why do I have to take charge? So the thing is, we get into these relationships over an extended period of time, and then we feel trapped because we don't have the tools. And this is where learning how to communicate on the front end of your relationship is so important, and I know that many of the people who are listening to this are listening to this because there's a dynamic around divorce, so there's some relative space around that.

This is where recognizing that if a person is tyrannical, they have not done their own work. And for you to be able to do your own work around anger actually shows the other person how to do that as well. And then this is where we have boundaries that we set. What are your boundaries with yourself? How much of this are you going to take before you walk out the door?

Right. And I'm sure that people come to you because they're ready to walk out the door. Yeah, yeah. They finally learn to establish some sort of boundary, or that they're there at the end of their rope.

00:28:50.970 — 00:28:51.650 · Speaker 1

Enough.

00:28:51.890 — 00:29:20.770 · Speaker 2

It's enough. And it's gotten to a point where maybe it's life or death now. Right. It's it's body. It's mind. All these things are being totally threatened to the space where they have to leave. They have to jump ship. And this is where you learn what your boundaries are for yourself. How much are you going to take somebody being in your face?

And are you going to be able to stand up and say, hey, listen, if you get in my face like this, you have one more opportunity and then I'm out the door and setting these things up from the gate. And then what resources do you have to say?

00:29:20.770 — 00:29:43.850 · Speaker 1

Here's the thing to tell me. What I'm seeing is the the connection to the self-worth of the woman to say that. Because to set this boundary. Okay, who says you get in my face one more time, I'm gone. Mhm. Okay. That I hear that tone, I feel that energy. I feel that way. Now I could say that now for sure. Somebody comes into my face like you.

That's it.

00:29:45.370 — 00:30:32.620 · Speaker 1

Back then I didn't the idea like I wouldn't have been able to say that because like wait there's it's it sounds silly to say out loud, but I think that there is something common to a lot of us, this feeling of like, well, I don't I don't I can't even imagine a situation where I mean, of course, like all men have some sort of a temper.

I have to deal with something no matter where I go. To set a boundary Requires the woman admitting to herself that she's worthy of a boundary. And I think that for the most part, that's not been most of our life experience, because people just run right through your your kids run through your boundaries, your husband runs through your boundaries, your parents run through your boundaries or whatever.

So I guess I just kind of go back to that part where

00:30:33.660 — 00:30:48.540 · Speaker 1

I hear you about setting the boundaries and everything, but like, how how does she get to the point where she's even able to do that? Like where how does she recognize her own worth to set the boundary?

00:30:48.580 — 00:31:12.350 · Speaker 2

Yeah, that can be a challenging space when you don't have support. And this is where you get support from other human beings. And there are there are times where I've found that it's important for female bodies to have male friends, that they can actually go to and speak about things, not just their girls who are who may be in similar situations that can't really counsel them on stuff, or the girls who are like, man, fuck that guy.

I'm not. You know.

00:31:12.870 — 00:31:13.950 · Speaker 1

There's no patience at all.

00:31:13.950 — 00:31:22.270 · Speaker 2

Yeah, it doesn't work like that. So this is where having a support dynamic outside of you is very important. And taking it back to boundaries.

00:31:22.310 — 00:31:28.270 · Speaker 1

Like like church or like for like friends, brothers, dads, maybe.

00:31:28.310 — 00:33:40.810 · Speaker 2

People who who can actually hold the space, hear it and be like, hey, listen, have you considered this instead of girl, you should do this. Have you considered this? You know the answers. Again, one of the things that's really important is you know all the answers to all of your issues. You've been taught how to talk yourself out of those things.

It's one thing that I teach all the time. We've been taught how to meticulously talk ourselves out of what we know, which is our truth, which is what we know from when we were children. But our parents, our teachers, society, the news talk us out of it by telling us what is right for us. And so we get into this position where we can't see that.

And so being able to ask another person and elicit that stuff is very important. Unfortunately, that's a luxury space to be able to have that space to open up. And this is why crafting friendships is very important. I see a lot of women get into dynamics with men, where they've abandoned all of their friendships.

And a very, very important thing that I see in tyrannical dynamics is when a girl, when a woman or a girl has friends, and then they get with a guy and then they're told that they can't hang out with their girlfriends anymore. They can't hang out with their homeboys anymore. They can't hang out with these people.

This person is moving into a place of control, right? Controlling all of the female dynamics because they don't feel in control of themselves enough. So they have to control a person outside of themselves to give themselves a semblance of power that is a symptom of a person being unsafe and moving into a space of tyranny.

And these are the things that I'm inviting people to look at when they move into relationship dynamics. So it's this is where having resources, having strategies on the front end. And if you don't have strategies on the front end, how do you build that into a space where you have a strategy? You can go to therapy if you want.

That's fine, but is the therapist actually offering you a space of creating a strategy of how to change the relationship or move away from the relationship? Because if you're doing work by yourself, if you're in a relationship and you're doing work by yourself and the other person is not doing work, you're going to grow apart more and more and more.

And as you grow apart from the dynamic that that person had control over, they're seeing less and less control.

00:33:40.850 — 00:33:41.770 · Speaker 1

Oh, yeah. When you.

00:33:41.810 — 00:33:42.250 · Speaker 6

I.

00:33:42.410 — 00:33:47.050 · Speaker 1

Always say it when you, um, call your power back, they will be clawing and gnashing of teeth.

00:33:47.090 — 00:33:51.770 · Speaker 2

That's right. And this is where more tyranny comes online. Because that's the that's big.

00:33:51.810 — 00:33:52.730 · Speaker 1

They are going to freak out.

00:33:52.770 — 00:34:19.100 · Speaker 2

But that's the strategy that they have. And so it's I have to get bigger and bigger. As you start to try to claim independence for yourself. I have to get bigger to rope you back in. Yeah, but that's what they know. That's the only tools that they have. And this is part of the challenge. And this is why I do a lot of men's work right now is because the challenge is men have very limited tools.

It's brute, you're very brute. You only have this one way to do things, control this environment, have sex with this many women.

00:34:19.300 — 00:34:23.500 · Speaker 6

Whatever you do, don't cry. Don't be emotional. Don't be a little crazy ass bitch.

00:34:23.540 — 00:35:24.540 · Speaker 2

Very limited strategies. And so that limited strategy spills over into the relationship with the female body. And it becomes a challenge space for the female body because female bodies do not operate the same way. And so it's very challenging to box a woman, a female body into a space of logic. And everything has to be this way all the time.

You know this. I don't need to tell you this. You're in a female body. I can't speak from the vantage point of a female body. I can only speak from the person that's in the male body, because that's what I'm in. That's what I was born into. I'm talking about male as a sex, not as a gender. We can I'm not going to get into that.

So the thing is, the way my hormones moved the logical space that I see things in. I know that society buying at large has been built around masculine dynamics of logic, orderliness in all of these things. And so we don't make space for the female body to actually have those luxuries. And so we look to get them into a space.

If this doesn't make it doesn't make sense why you're doing it, shut up and do this. And that's the only way you can do it.

00:35:24.700 — 00:35:25.540 · Speaker 1

Don't be so dramatic.

00:35:25.580 — 00:35:30.820 · Speaker 2

Don't be so dramatic, right? Don't be so full in your energy. Don't be so full in your emotions. Hone it in.

00:35:30.860 — 00:35:35.620 · Speaker 1

Well, that's why women love to go be around other women. Yeah, because they can just be a bit more of that.

00:35:35.660 — 00:36:34.550 · Speaker 2

Right? But if you have that in your household, then how do you how do you navigate that? This is part of the challenge is we've built society, we've built our medical industries, we've built our our mental health dynamics around male bodied people, particularly white male body people from the age of like 20 to 35.

Right. And so this is where all of the testing and all of these dynamics go. This is where we have all of the stuff around the DSM and all of the prescriptions and stuff that we have in our world are focused on that demographic. And so we don't recognize the female body as, as as a society, as a global society, as actually viable.

It's there for convenience, it's there for baby making, it's there for this stuff. And this gets built into our society and this gets pushed off into these individual relationships. And these individual relationships keep female bodies small, keeps them out of politics. It keeps them out of all of these things.

It keeps them at low pay grades because they're easily controllable. That's the challenge.

00:36:34.590 — 00:36:40.390 · Speaker 1

Well, that's the thing I talk about all the time in divorce and that I think us women can learn,

00:36:41.750 — 00:38:12.930 · Speaker 1

I guess, ultimately recognize how we are be that, but then also learn, um, how to get a handle on it, not even be less of it, but just get a handle on it so that when you are afraid, when you're activated in your emotions and all these different things you experience when you're thinking about getting ready for divorce or during divorce, you're a lot more easily manipulated and easily controlled.

And those emotions, especially with someone who knows you really well, who maybe you've been with for a decade of your life. They know how to push a button, the button of fear and how to get that one going. And a woman who's afraid is a lot less likely to leave. A woman who feels that that everyone will, you know, nobody at her church.

Everybody's going to think she's a whore. Now, um, is a lot less likely to leave. And I think that that's that's certainly a challenge for us in our womanhood. But knowing that truth going in. Because really divorce. Look, it's a logical courtroom. Logical A plus B equals C. We have to divide the things that process.

And you're every lawyer will tell you, we've talked about it on the show about keeping the emotion out of the process, or it's going to make the process take a lot longer, etc., etc.. Right? So I think that, um, in these dynamics, even within the marriage, there's a lot that we can learn there. When we're talking about anger and we're talking about, uh, dishonesty and how that shows up.

Like the thing for me, that was so freeing, I think

00:38:14.090 — 00:38:24.770 · Speaker 1

in learning about dishonesty from you, too, was that when someone's being dishonest is because they don't feel safe. And being willing to ask myself the question now

00:38:25.810 — 00:38:50.690 · Speaker 1

was if somebody I used to have somebody lie to your face, oh, you get mad. Oh, they're lying to me. Oh, you're such a liar. And really get sanctimonious and really get self-righteous and really get judgmental. And, you know, I've heard people and people, since I've kind of come to this awareness, have have said stuff like that to me.

And I'm like, have you ever wondered why they didn't feel they could have been honest with you? Why did they need to say that to you.

00:38:50.730 — 00:40:05.190 · Speaker 2

More than why? And this is one of the things that I invite the listeners to to shift out of asking why and asking what? What's driving that? Because why? We can make up a million stories as to why we believe when we look at the what? What do you think is driving that dishonesty is different than why, right. What do you think it is?

Well. And you can make up a million stories okay. So what would make them make up that story. Right. And you keep drilling down to the what? And you get down to the actual facts and then you get out of the story. Because facts will always when you put facts on the table, they're undeniable. You or you're an attorney, write in facts are undeniable, but you can get into speculation.

You can get into stories. You can get into all kinds of assumptions. And it's not the actual fact. What do you think is driving this okay, is this driving? And then you can ask the other person, is this driving it? No, this is what's driving it. Get out of the why and get into the what. Because the what? There's always a what behind the why and the what is where.

The truth is not the why. The why is where the narrative is. And there's a million, trillion, gazillion narratives that we could make up about anything. Why am I sitting in this chair? Well, we'll talk.

00:40:05.190 — 00:40:08.230 · Speaker 7

Probably wants to get more clients or talk this year.

00:40:08.270 — 00:40:58.520 · Speaker 2

What I'm doing here is having a conversation with you, and I'm. You asked me to come here to share with your audience because you perceive and believe that I have gifts to offer that would help other people. So I am here to help other people. That's what I am doing. I'm having this conversation. Why? I could make up a million reasons why, but this is what I'm doing right now.

And so there's no question as to what I'm doing. I'm having a conversation with you. There's facts that are going back and forth. There's questions and ideas that are happening right here. There's an exchange. There's no question as to what's going on. But you can say what's his agenda. Right. And everybody that's listening or watching this can actually make up a story about what they think my agenda is, regardless of the agenda.

We're having a conversation. And this is what I see in a lot of relationships is why would you go cheat on me?

00:40:59.600 — 00:41:47.040 · Speaker 2

There's a million reasons why a person would cheat. What happened that drove you into that space? Well, you weren't paying attention to me. I didn't feel loved. Right? Like, these are the facts. The raw facts. And when we get into the raw facts, they're undeniable. And that's where the truth is. And the truth of the matter is, we've been taught to cover up with story and narrative, and narrative can be a huge form of dishonesty when you can lie to yourself by making up some story as to, oh well, I'm staying in this relationship because of the kids.

I'm staying. You're making up all kinds of shit when you're being abused, right? Or there's some abuse coming in your direction, or you don't feel connected anymore, and you're staying here because you feel like you can fix something, right? You're staying here because you want something to be a certain way, but you can put a million why's on it.

00:41:47.120 — 00:42:15.560 · Speaker 1

Mm, I think so. I mean, I was having this thought the other day, people saying, well, I'm staying married for the kids and it's like, bullshit. You're staying married because you don't want to deal with the fallout of what comes in the kid's life and in your life for making this decision and choosing yourself.

Yeah. I mean, it's easy enough to say, like, you're staying there for the kids, but really, like, what are you showing? I mean, there's a million other things to think about. And I think digging to those next level of questions,

00:42:16.880 — 00:42:19.680 · Speaker 1

I mean, it all really comes back to are you being honest with yourself?

00:42:19.720 — 00:42:37.720 · Speaker 2

I mean, and yes, and there's partial truths in that, right? Maybe they are staying because they want the kids to be okay. Maybe they are staying. Maybe those are parts of the what? But the what? The major, what is. I am in a dynamic where I don't feel safe. That's the what, right? I am staying in a dynamic where I don't feel safe.

00:42:37.720 — 00:42:47.719 · Speaker 1

And they know that if they're being dishonest, okay. So that's that tie is, I think, the key thing if you're being dishonest in your relationship

00:42:48.730 — 00:43:09.130 · Speaker 1

Underneath that is a lack of safety and it can be psychological. Whatever that safety can mean. Like you don't feel like it's safe to be yourself. Express yourself physically. Safety. But if you're being dishonest in your relationship. Something in you doesn't feel safe.

00:43:09.210 — 00:43:22.530 · Speaker 2

Yeah, and you're being dishonest with yourself. I'm doing this for the kids, right? And at the same time, I'm also not acknowledging that I'm not safe. There's a level that you're just not. You're not looking at you.

00:43:22.570 — 00:43:33.890 · Speaker 1

Well, because I think when people hear safety, they think about women in domestic violence shelters. Like, that's where my brain would have before I ever started knowing you and talking all the way about this. Well. I'm safe. What do you mean? Like nobody's going to hurt me?

00:43:33.930 — 00:44:59.990 · Speaker 2

Well, then let's get into safety, okay? Right. So safety. For me, safety is the absence of, uh, is wholeness, right? I am whole when I'm safe. Now, violence is something that disrupts Disrupt wholeness, right? So I can have physical violence, I can have intellectual violence. I can have somebody stealing my stuff.

I can have somebody breaking up my car. I can have all sorts of things that disrupt wholeness. And so anything that is violent disrupts wholeness. And when wholeness is disrupted, the safety of that wholeness has been interrupted. And so you could not be getting beat up, but somebody could be calling you stupid all the time, or somebody could be giving you a glaring look that resembles a glaring look you got from your parents, and that can cause you to feel unsafe.

And that disrupts your wholeness with ease. And so if you are disrupted from ease now, your your easiness is unsafe. Okay. And so you have physical UN safety. You have UN safety in your mind. You have safety of your relationships. Right? If I leave this, if I leave this relationship, then my relationship with my children is now threatened.

So now that relationship is unsafe and in my kids relationship with their father is unsafe. So now that's unsafe. And so you have all these dynamics that are unsafe. So you create a lie to yourself so that so that the relationship or the sanctity of your relationship, your kids relationship with your father stays safe.

And this is where the subtlety gets gets brought to the surface.

00:45:00.030 — 00:45:10.750 · Speaker 1

Well, what I was thinking is, as you're saying, that I'm sure somebody is thinking, well, I guess I'm going to keep on lying then. That's a lot of potential problems. Like telling the truth

00:45:12.110 — 00:46:06.920 · Speaker 1

is going to create a lot of problems for me. You know, for people who've grown up, people pleasing, maybe they got into this marriage from pleasing. And look, you probably once you get in your 30s, you start to wake up to what you was up to in your 20s. If you got married in your 20s, you're more likely going to get divorced, okay, because you did it a kiddo, you didn't know what you're doing, whatever.

And they've created this whole life built on denying desire and talked about that with coal, denying their truth, being this people pleaser. So the idea of all of a sudden bringing back in honesty to that? It's like, well, it seems like that ship sailed. I mean, I guess what's the appeal? Because I don't want to, like, beg.

I don't want to, um, have that baked into the cake. Like, why would somebody choose to be in truth? Why would somebody make that choice when they've built a life on something else? And won't it have really big consequences? And, like, why is it worth it?

00:46:06.960 — 00:46:33.160 · Speaker 2

Well, pick your poison is something that I like to share with people. Whatever you choose, I'm down for you to choose that it's your adventure. Choose your own adventure and comfort zone is a very important thing to consider in these dynamics, that people will stay in the zone that they're familiar with.

Now, comfort doesn't always feel nice. It's a space of familiarity. And so they're familiar with this type of poison, but they're not familiar with that over there.

00:46:33.200 — 00:46:34.160 · Speaker 1

The truth telling comes.

00:46:34.200 — 00:48:13.290 · Speaker 2

Right right, right. And so you were like, well, if I tell the truth, all these problems will come up. Are they problems? How do you know you're creating a story about what the problems would be. Every person that I know that has gone through the discomfort of starting to speak the truth, has opened the gateway to freedom.

Now, freedom is a space that most people are not used to because like I said, the truth is your freedom. It's inherent freedom. It's how we were born. But we're taught to stifle that freedom so that we're avid members of society, right? We're great people. We're these people that behave in an orderly fashion that doesn't disrupt everything.

And so our freedom gets put into a box and we don't get to see it because it's sitting in a safe somewhere underground. And when we start to open that box, it starts to remind other people of how free they are not. And that freedom. When people see me and how I am. I had a call with somebody earlier today that was like, man, I like, I've been watching you.

And the first thing that happened with me is I was really triggered by how open you were with speaking your truth. And I was like, well, what triggered it? They were like, because I couldn't speak my truth. and that's going to trigger people. It's going to bring shit up and it's going to cause problems, right?

And so once you get past the initial phase of those problems, you start to see the people that can actually rock with you will lean into you. And those are the people who are never going to abuse you. Those are the people who are never going to want to see you stifled. They're going to want to walk in freedom alongside you.

And if you have a tyrant in your household that's stopping you from being free, they're not the kind of person that's going to walk alongside you. They're going to keep you in a box because they can control you, and that gives them a semblance of power.

00:48:13.330 — 00:49:26.060 · Speaker 1

Well, and anything you ever lost by telling the truth, speaking from your heart was never really yours to begin with. Nope. Right. And I think Brené Brown talks about it probably. Right. It's like everybody it's it's if you think about it and you zoom out, it's ridiculous because this person A is pretending to be one way so that person B will want them, pick them, want them, stay with them.

Person B is pretending to be one way because they want. Person A to do the same. And they've created these like video game avatar versions of themselves, living when neither one of them is actually wanted or loved for who they actually are, as both people are just feeling alone. And I mean, we know this because it's just what anybody who does anything on the internet and learns about algorithms and all of this, you learn quickly.

It's the people. You can feel it when they're being themselves on the computer, when you can feel it with me and talk or talking right now, I know that you can, because we're both telling what we really think. And there's no filter here. Right? Um, and we're drawn to those people and we want to know more. You can feel that fakeness and we won't.

We won't stand for it when we're scrolling, but we stand for it in our marriage. Um,

00:49:27.460 — 00:49:44.110 · Speaker 1

you know, that's true. It just occurred to me we have a higher standard for truth in what we consume on the internet. Waiting in line at target. Then we do. A lot of us do in our own marriages.

00:49:44.310 — 00:50:28.110 · Speaker 2

That's called throwing stones and glass house. Mhm. Right. You get, you get to watch from behind. This is why we have trolls and keyboard bullies and people that say really mean shit on the internet. Yeah. Because they feel safe behind that keyboard. And in order to be in. That's, that's another form of tyranny.

Of tyranny. Right. And so it's if I can insult you and get a rise out of you and get you to feel a certain way, and I'm hiding behind this keyboard where I'm nice and safe, and nothing's going to happen to me. I'm going to do that because it's going to give me a some semblance of power. And this is where when we are hidden.

Right. And that's another thing. Right. So hiding behind the keyboard is a form of dishonesty. I can't I'm not completely seen. Oh, I'm not completely seen. So my truth is kind of stifled.

00:50:28.270 — 00:50:31.950 · Speaker 1

And that's because most of them people wouldn't say any of that stuff in real life to your face.

00:50:31.990 — 00:50:32.270 · Speaker 2

No.

00:50:32.310 — 00:50:34.150 · Speaker 1

Absolutely not. Especially not to your face.

00:50:34.190 — 00:50:34.750 · Speaker 2

Absolutely.

00:50:34.830 — 00:50:35.150 · Speaker 1

Yeah.

00:50:35.190 — 00:50:35.950 · Speaker 2

Not to anybody's.

00:50:35.950 — 00:50:36.920 · Speaker 1

Face. Well, I know that's.

00:50:36.920 — 00:52:12.170 · Speaker 2

True, you know. But what people will take in, and we're so taught to focus on negativity that you could have a million wonderful comments on the post, and that one person that calls you an asshole or a piece of junk or you're stupid, this is ridiculous. You will hone in on that and focus on it and see what you can do about that person.

Maybe delete them or put them on blast. Right. Because what you do is you take the person who shamed you and you shame them in shame. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And so this is how we this is how we continue on the smallness. We offer that person another small space to be. But we're also feeding the monster. And that's one of the things that we do in these relationships that are dysfunctional is we keep feeding the monster, we keep feeding the monster, and we.

And if we back down to tyranny, we are feeding the monster. We're giving the monster exactly what it wants control. And so this is where the challenging space, particularly for female bodied people, is that the stature can often be a lot smaller. So the threat of physical harm is a real thing. And I find a lot in the couples that I've worked with is I'm terrified that he'll hit me.

I'm terrified that he'll break all my shit. I'm terrified that he'll crash the car into a wall. I'm terrified that he'll slash me. I'm terrified of all these physical things. And so what is the strategy? And this is where you have to bring more people on board to actually be able to hold space for you. And that's part of strategizing in these dynamics where we have these tyrannical relationship spaces.

It's always a safety dynamic, always.

00:52:12.250 — 00:52:18.010 · Speaker 1

When I learned that, it also gave me access to a lot more compassion. Mhm.

00:52:19.050 — 00:52:31.250 · Speaker 1

When I learned that tendency in me to be, you know, subtly dishonest with myself not being willing to just say the truth when I really recognize that. Mhm.

00:52:32.940 — 00:52:52.420 · Speaker 1

Then seeing it others or outright lies in them, and recognizing something about them doesn't feel safe. And it allows me to access a lot more compassion for where they're coming from, uh, and not sit in that throne of judgment, which for a large part of my life, I love to climb up on that throne. Divorce has a way of knocking you off that throne, though.

Mhm.

00:52:52.660 — 00:52:54.700 · Speaker 2

Oh, definitely. Mhm. Been there.

00:52:54.860 — 00:53:12.220 · Speaker 1

And I think you know what I'm, I'm, I'm feeling is I can testify to and I'm thinking both like testify like at church, I'm going to give a testimony. I don't think if I testify like I'm a witness on the stand I mean both.

00:53:12.260 — 00:53:12.780 · Speaker 2

Mhm.

00:53:13.620 — 00:53:16.620 · Speaker 8

That it's the true life or nothing.

00:53:18.020 — 00:53:18.380 · Speaker 1

Mhm.

00:53:18.460 — 00:53:20.180 · Speaker 8

As I say it, it makes me cry.

00:53:20.300 — 00:53:20.740 · Speaker 2

Mm.

00:53:21.380 — 00:53:24.180 · Speaker 8

Because I've spent, did, spent.

00:53:24.340 — 00:53:24.580 · Speaker 1

A.

00:53:24.580 — 00:53:26.260 · Speaker 8

Lot of my life being so much.

00:53:26.260 — 00:53:26.860 · Speaker 1

Less

00:53:28.500 — 00:54:47.870 · Speaker 1

be quiet. Not so emotional. Not so. Not so. Anything less of whatever the thing was, right? And learning that behavior over such a long period of time. I became like a just a shell of a human. And I was so defined by how everybody else saw me. And it turns into perfectionism. And if only I make if I'm valedictorian of everything.

If only I look pretty. If only whatever. And it created this dynamic in me where I was doing everything outward focused. Right. My identity was so tied up in everybody else's opinions and thoughts. And it's it's divorce has a way of ripping that apart and breaking the whole thing down to where I felt like I was love with nothing because I built this identity, I guess, on dishonesty of being something different than I was to make everybody else around me more comfortable.

And even if some of the things people feel like, oh, you had that going for you and you always have all these whatever and, you know, praise. But it's like the real me, the 2:00 in the morning. Me she didn't have a place. And up until even recently, I felt in my life like two people.

00:54:49.590 — 00:54:51.150 · Speaker 1

I guess I'm going to talk about this.

00:54:53.150 — 00:55:39.280 · Speaker 1

The I wrote a poem about it. I guess we can share it. Um, like the Hatfields and McCoys, right? The daytime me, the desert workouts. Eats her protein is a good mom, is a good wife. You know you can. She's a good man in a storm like that. Fiona Apple lyric. And then there's the, like, 2 a.m. who she is. Like, fuck this shit.

I'm staying up till two in the morning and I'm gonna light a candle. God knows, I may just walk out the door tomorrow and never turn around. Maybe if I feel like it. And those people. Oh, the poem is called two Me's Ever at odds. And I felt all my life like two separate people.

00:55:40.400 — 00:57:56.940 · Speaker 1

Not in a schizophrenic way, but in this way of this sort of like outward. Hannah. That was really important to a lot of people and a lot of people looked up to, you know, at this point, like past divorce and having this law firm and all the things that I've done that are objectively, you know, honorable enough, right.

And if I were to die tomorrow, they would have said, like, man, life will live. They might have had a really sad funeral and all these things. And yet part of me hated my me for doing that, for building this whole world. On that guilt. The morning me when there's nighttime, me being like, fuck this. This part of me that was totally unexpressed.

And it really wasn't until I went to y'all's event like full culmination. And that was, you know, a month or two ago, even at this point where merging those two together into one, neither one was wrong. It's that the midnight me is that I see it as that inner part of myself that didn't feel safe to be expressed because my life couldn't handle it, because it might mean that I couldn't be a boss in the way that I was, that people might quit their job, and that would cause problems for me, that drew wouldn't feel the same way about me.

My kids wouldn't feel the same way about me, whatever. And then actually drew and I did work with you. Um, we did work over a period of time in this big, long session, and we talked about a lot of these concepts in general and realizing the way I was protecting myself, and I'd learned to do that. It wasn't necessarily the wrong defense mechanism for a lot of my life.

It's what got me, you know, to where I was. But that armor and that vaulting. I realized it was no longer serving me. And I say that because I think a lot of women feel that way. If they are, I'm self-reflective more than maybe your average bear. So I knew that about myself, and I didn't know what to do. I literally didn't know what to do.

I didn't understand why I felt like two people and so mad at myself for betraying myself over and over and over again and telling the 2 a.m. person, God damn it, we're supposed to get seven hours of.

00:57:56.940 — 00:57:57.660 · Speaker 9

Sleep.

00:57:57.660 — 00:57:58.060 · Speaker 1

Here.

00:57:58.060 — 00:57:59.460 · Speaker 9

We did it again.

00:57:59.860 — 00:59:28.880 · Speaker 1

Everything that felt good to that part of me desire want everything that felt good to that part of me. I trained myself to revile and to be mad at and to make wrong. Because by morning I'm going to make it wrong by morning, when at 7 a.m. and I gotta be making school lunches or whatever. I'm real pissed off at that bitch who stayed up till two in the morning writing a poem or whatever she was doing and seeing myself that way.

It wasn't until I started to understand this concept of honesty. And I'll say this, y'all, the there is a way to do it. What I what got me here was a little bit by a little bit. I'm generally speaking like, let's go all in or not person and instead tall. What I think you helped me to do and just understanding this idea of safety and like being willing to actually be brave, you know, it don't cost me much to be like, quote unquote brave with areas that other people, um, feel challenging.

It's not I don't have to be brave to go on a stage in front of a lot of people. So I'm not actually being brave. I'm just doing the thing that's natural to me. I enter bravery for my own self, which I think is unique to us. What you're like bravery threshold. My bravery threshold is speaking the truth when I really don't know how this other person is going to receive it and saying the thing, and so am I.

I was able to practice this with my wonderful and darling and dear husband, drew,

00:59:30.240 — 00:59:45.360 · Speaker 1

who I knew to be a safe man and I knew to be a safe person without a drop of a temper, who held space for me and showed up for me in every situation that could ever happen, ever. Bless Drew Bell.

00:59:47.680 — 00:59:48.640 · S10

But I didn't.

00:59:48.680 — 00:59:49.600 · Speaker 1

Show up for.

00:59:49.600 — 00:59:58.040 · S10

Him with the fullness of me, because something in me was afraid that if I did, he would leave or wouldn't like me anymore.

01:00:00.520 — 01:00:09.440 · S10

Because I got into it with pigmy energy. I wanted to be wanted by this handsome man with a fancy job who knew about wine and trips.

01:00:09.480 — 01:00:18.200 · Speaker 2

You know. And there's a criteria for the pick me for that man to be able to pick you. And you have to show up as that criteria, which may not be.

01:00:19.040 — 01:00:53.610 · Speaker 1

Who I was, The fact is, had I been in the. I don't know, I don't know what would have happened because I wasn't um, and to his credit or whatever, no part of me ever showed up in him, like, look, but it's a story in my own mind, right? And so the way I did this talk, just for people listening, in case they relate to that, is one tiny, baby sized little moment at a time to when something happened or was said that didn't sit right with me, instead of just making myself wrong.

Don't make everything such a.

01:00:53.610 — 01:00:54.370 · Speaker 9

Big fucking.

01:00:54.370 — 01:00:54.930 · Speaker 1

Deal.

01:00:55.010 — 01:00:55.930 · Speaker 9

Don't be.

01:00:55.970 — 01:00:57.610 · Speaker 1

You know, so crazy. Just let.

01:00:57.650 — 01:00:57.930 · Speaker 5

Stuff.

01:00:57.930 — 01:00:58.050 · Speaker 1

Go.

01:00:58.050 — 01:01:05.250 · S11

Because I want to be a person who's understanding, compassion and all that. But I use my good traits to make the reality of it wrong sometimes.

01:01:06.210 — 01:01:13.050 · Speaker 9

But instead to say, hey, you know that thing you said that really hurt my feelings? It really bothered.

01:01:13.050 — 01:01:51.210 · Speaker 1

Me. It made me feel like you weren't listening or whatever the thing was, and I didn't like. I didn't come in with the truth like a sword, because that's what would happen, is I'd let the truth bottle up and then that's just going to come out and it would come out like, like a machete. And I didn't want to get to Machete Truth Energy.

Right? I wanted to start with just like very, very soft. Like I'm putting my palm up, like I'm like, oh, like this little treasure. Like, here's my tiny little bit of truth, you know? And what I found in doing this over the past, however much months year

01:01:52.530 — 01:02:17.580 · Speaker 1

has been that the right people honor that truth. They honor you showing up as you really are. And the miracle that I wouldn't have believed before. So that's why I'm telling you all. All of this is when you do that and you sort of show the universe, God, Jesus, Buddha, all the good witches. Everybody

01:02:18.740 — 01:02:21.780 · Speaker 1

that you're serious about this. Mhm.

01:02:23.260 — 01:02:56.980 · Speaker 1

They start to bring people who will honor those bits that you share of yourself with more presence and even more joy and even more delight. But when you're in the middle of it and you're trapped in the situation where you feel all wrong in your relationship, you know, I mean, sometimes y'all are just correct that if you were your real self, that man don't want you, but that okay.

Okay. You may be right. In which case, we got to get out of that situation and making those small steps in truth.

01:02:58.220 — 01:03:29.310 · Speaker 1

I'm just testifying that as you do so, it draws in more of a really meets you in who you really are. And that feels so much better. One drop of that feels so much better than an ocean of people loving you for who you are. Yeah, or loving you for when you're quiet. If you don't want me at my loudest. You can see yourself out the door.

Goodbye. That's how I feel now. But before I mean even saying that, some part of me went.

01:03:29.350 — 01:03:29.790 · Speaker 4

Hmm.

01:03:30.230 — 01:04:43.920 · Speaker 2

But look at the growth that you've had. Hannah. And how we met. Right. You were in a room full of people who accept each other for who they are. We had an amazing conversation. And Marla, of course, Marla said, thanks, girl. Like like she accepts you for who you are. And she accepts all those people who were in that room for who they are and knows that they all accept each other.

And so everything that you've been through in your life has gotten you to the point where you could be in that room so that we could meet. And that's brought me here so that I could speak to the people that are in your audience. That's what we're doing here. We're opening the door for people to actually be able to see that there is another option.

There's an option beyond the dishonesty. There's an option. Be B beyond B having to be picked instead of pick me. How about flow with me? That's a whole other energy. Pick me. Pick me, pick me. Very hyper masculine eyes, very focused on me. Focus on these things, on these attributes instead of flow with me.

These are my attributes now, and these may be my attributes in the next five minutes, the next hour, the next year, can you flow with me? And that's where you are putting yourself in this arena with people that you can actually flow with, that can actually flow with you?

01:04:43.920 — 01:04:59.680 · Speaker 1

I just didn't I if you would have told me this ten years ago when I was in the middle of that marriage, in that town, in that situation, that there were people like y'all out there, I never I didn't have a concept of it.

01:04:59.720 — 01:05:32.170 · Speaker 2

Yeah. Because you've been taught how to talk yourself out of knowing that there's these possibilities were there. And this is when we talk about you. You couldn't even imagine. So that was an impossibility. And then so you opened the door to possibility. And then you started moving into making things probable, and now you have it in an actual space.

And that's the formula from getting from impossibility to actuality. You have to move from the idea that something is impossible and just consider the imagination of something being possible. And then what's the strategy?

01:05:32.370 — 01:07:05.620 · Speaker 1

Because I think right there, the possible right there. I think that that's where a lot of women sit because they don't know it. Right? It's sort of like that saying that people say about when when a girl meets her friend's man and he's awesome. And she says that, like the idea that the woman says, I want that man.

When a guy meets a woman and his friend's woman, he's like, oh, I'd like a girl like that. It's like this fear of the woman, like our woman brain needing to, I don't know, somehow see it or it can't be or it's going to run out or whatever. And I think it's important, like how I would go back and tell myself then.

that if you could want it. If you have a desire for it in your heart, there is a component match for your desire out there, whatever that thing is. Because I just, you know, you people can decide this for yourself if you believe me or not. But I don't believe we live in a universe that plays mean tricks on you.

I don't believe that God plays mean tricks on you. Jesus, any of these people, whatever you think. I don't think there's these mean tricks. So how could it be that I really wanted to feel seen and loved and accepted for who I am? I wanted it, yet it wasn't possible. I didn't think of that at the time. I think that the desire for the thing points at the, the, the actual possibility of the thing, like stopping in that and like if you want it, it's possible right before they move on to the strategies.

I think that like, we got to start with y'all, if you want the thing,

01:07:07.020 — 01:07:09.900 · Speaker 1

it's possible, I really think. Do you think.

01:07:09.900 — 01:07:10.900 · Speaker 4

That I do?

01:07:11.460 — 01:07:43.740 · Speaker 2

There's nothing that we can't do together. And this is part of the idea of separation. If we separate ourselves into pockets and it's y'all over there. Y'all over here, me over here, you over there. We can't collaborate, and we can't bring our imaginations together to actually collaborate and make the possibility come to to the surface and then be actionable about creating a strategy to making it probable.

And in actual we tell our children, you can't do that. Don't do that because we're playing it safe. And then we teach our children how to be small. You can only have.

01:07:43.780 — 01:07:44.620 · Speaker 1

Don't get your hopes up.

01:07:44.620 — 01:09:18.640 · Speaker 2

Don't get your hopes up right. We teach people how to play small. And then it's like, I don't understand why you, why you, why you're so limited later on, I never tell. I used to tell my daughter all the time when she was small. Before I knew, before I knew any of this work. I used to tell her. My daughter. My daughter stopped.

You can't do that. You'll never be able to do that. What was I doing? What was I doing? And this is a part of why I do this work. Because when I was my daughter was born when I was 18. I had no idea. My parents didn't know how to parent. And still my mother does not know how to. Parents. Okay. My father's gone. Rest his soul.

Um. He did not know how to parent. And they came from parents that did not know how to parent. And so all of these limiters came from society. They came from church. They came from the government. They came from all of these religions, all of these different things taught people how to be limited. And so they passed that limit down to the next generation.

And so we don't have the strategy because the strategy is to stay small and to stay in these limited dynamics. Anybody who's amazing at sports has been taught that you are limited, limitless. Get out there and go for it. And just any solid coach will teach anybody that they are coaching, that they are unlimited.

Go rock in your limitless ness. And that's how we get champions. And we are all champions. But we've been taught how to stifle, stifle that champion, Stifle it. Keep it small. Don't don't do that because it's not safe to walk, to move outside of the comfort zone. You're going to make other people uncomfortable.

You're going to make your husband uncomfortable if you step outside of his comfort zone. Let it just stay. That's right.

01:09:18.920 — 01:09:22.400 · Speaker 1

I mean that. Let him. It's a male, Robbins, right? Yeah. Let them.

01:09:22.440 — 01:09:22.640 · Speaker 4

Yeah.

01:09:22.920 — 01:09:26.040 · Speaker 1

That's the other thing. Just pull in that in. We all have that easy little phrase now.

01:09:26.080 — 01:09:27.000 · Speaker 2

No, Robbins is awesome.

01:09:27.000 — 01:09:28.359 · Speaker 4

By the way. Yeah. I mean, come on.

01:09:28.400 — 01:09:28.960 · Speaker 1

One day, she's.

01:09:28.960 — 01:09:30.960 · Speaker 4

Going to want to come on the show and talk to me.

01:09:31.080 — 01:09:40.880 · Speaker 1

Um, but just having that idea. It's really helpful when you're in this space of starting to speak and bring forward some of your truth.

01:09:40.920 — 01:09:41.440 · Speaker 4

Um.

01:09:41.839 — 01:10:18.690 · Speaker 1

If you're going to do what you're going to do and then what they're going to do. You gotta let them. And that takes some balls. That takes some guts to be able to do it. But what's the alternative? The alternative is keeping living a life that kind of medium sucks. Maybe a really bad level ten sucks. Um, not living a true life.

So you're going to be, what, 89, 800 years old and look back and be like, I didn't. I didn't do anything for me. You only have one life and it's yours. You are the main character of your own life. I think so many of us have written ourselves out of our own stories.

01:10:18.730 — 01:10:20.410 · Speaker 2

That's right. We've been taught to do that.

01:10:20.450 — 01:10:20.890 · Speaker 4

Mhm.

01:10:20.930 — 01:10:46.690 · Speaker 2

So that somebody else can have their story or stay safe in their box. Stay comfortable in what they're familiar with. The unfamiliar is so important. When you look at dogs they're always in the space of unfamiliarity. And they get familiar with the space. Right. They familiarize themselves with it. They adjust in real time.

Any animal that is not caged up like we are as human beings, they move in a pivot in real time.

01:10:47.090 — 01:10:47.570 · Speaker 4

Mhm.

01:10:47.610 — 01:12:49.910 · Speaker 2

We have been taught to not pivot. We've been taught that there's safety in this, in this iteration, and we follow the shoulds and the supposed to's, and those are the biggest prison in the world. You're supposed to stay married. You're supposed to not rock the boat. You're supposed to do these things. And that's where it's like, if I don't perform in this way, like I was told I was supposed to, there's something wrong with me.

I'll be isolated and then I will die. That's the same device. And so I don't follow the supposed tos. I follow what my my inherent signals are. And I do it in, in a space where I Revere myself and I Revere the people around me. If the people around me are hurt by me being myself, that's not my people. If Cole was to to to say today, hey, listen, how you are is not my I'm, that's not my cup of tea.

Then we would have to part ways. That would just have to be the way it is. But we pivot with each other. If Cole is always saying, honey, you want to talk about somebody who's always a new person cold, cold. For y'all who don't know, my wife is Cole. Cole is always changing into a new person. She's always doing something new, changing, pivoting.

I adjust with Cole, and Cole adjusts with me, and we adjust with one another. So we fly together. We create a new relationship every year. We get married every year and start a whole new relationship structure. We get poster boards, put them all over the floor, and it's like, this worked for me. This is what my dream relationship looks like.

What is your dream relationship look like? What worked for you last year? What didn't work for you last year? Let's get rid of that. Let's put this in place. What do we need to do so that this individual person can grow and the relationship structure actually supports that individual growth. But this is where we create we get married every year.

We have a whole retreat around it called married every year. Like like we are we do this with people. We show them how to create a new relationship dynamic. But this is where we are not taught this stuff. It's you take these vows and then you renew the vows. The same vows from 15 years ago, 20 years ago, five years ago.

01:12:49.910 — 01:12:50.630 · Speaker 1

You never understand.

01:12:50.630 — 01:12:50.790 · Speaker 4

That.

01:12:50.790 — 01:13:20.720 · Speaker 2

And you're a new person and you're still doing the same shit from how many years ago. Of course it doesn't work. You have children. You're a different person. You get married, you're a different person. You change jobs. You're a different person. You have new friends. You're a different person. You lose weight, different person, gain weight, different person.

How do we adjust the structure for the new people in the relationship, or are we? Is the relationship the marriage right? How many times have you heard this? Hannah, I need to save my marriage. Yeah. It's not. The marriage is a structure.

01:13:21.040 — 01:13:21.600 · Speaker 4

That's always.

01:13:21.600 — 01:13:24.960 · Speaker 1

Bugged me when people talked about that. Like the marriage. Like it's this.

01:13:25.480 — 01:13:55.240 · Speaker 2

It's an entity, though. Yeah, right. And so we have person A, person B, and in the marriage, that's the that's the third entity. But we we Revere the marriage. We are taught to Revere the marriage more than we Revere the two individual people who need to grow. We are always growing. And the idea that we don't grow is bullshit.

And that's that's what we've been sold. That we don't become new people every moment as as the people are listening to this, as we're having this conversation, both of us are becoming new people in the moment. Can we pivot.

01:13:55.280 — 01:13:55.440 · Speaker 4

If.

01:13:55.440 — 01:13:55.720 · Speaker 1

You let.

01:13:55.720 — 01:13:56.280 · Speaker 4

Yourself?

01:13:56.320 — 01:14:37.400 · Speaker 2

If we are becoming new people. The thing is, if you don't allow yourself to see it, you're being dishonest. You're becoming a new person. See, this is where the dishonesty creeps in. If you let yourself be it, if you let yourself see it. And this is where we take the blinders off when we see that we have become new people.

Every fucking moment, every moment of our lives, we're becoming new. And if we are trying to hold ourselves into that box, we don't allow ourselves to see what is new. That's part of the challenge. Behold, I make all things new. It's in the religious texts, right? We. I make all things new every day. Every moment we're becoming new.

And if we deny that we're not looking at the truth and we're being.

01:14:37.520 — 01:14:38.240 · Speaker 4

But I think.

01:14:38.240 — 01:14:45.359 · Speaker 1

Like, look, if you're in a marriage and in a relationship after marriage, like whatever, wherever you find yourself and

01:14:46.440 — 01:14:48.680 · Speaker 1

the fluidity and flexibility

01:14:49.840 — 01:15:28.930 · Speaker 1

that Tom's talking about in growth and that's you can you know, it's possible now because you've listened to us talk about it, that you can be in a relationship that feels fluid and flexible, that allows you to be fully expressed as you are in all of your fullness. That is an option if your current marriage feels rigid and unsupportive of your growth and not supportive of you speaking in your full truth, that may be a good sign.

It's one that isn't serving you anymore. It has served its purpose,

01:15:30.170 — 01:15:39.250 · Speaker 1

you know, and I think just an action step that I hear because I know Tor, you talk about awareness, do you want to run through those steps for people real quick about the awareness and then the strategies?

01:15:39.290 — 01:16:21.380 · Speaker 2

Oh, yeah. So if you want to coach yourself through anything, and this is one of the things that I've, I've, uh, I've taught people that, oh, I can't afford a coach or I. Cool. This is what you got to do. There are five steps to getting yourself from place A to place B, the first thing is creating awareness. That's asking yourself all the questions.

The uncomfortable ones, the comfortable ones, the ones that open up the dreams that you may have. Really get familiar with your dreams. Get aware right first. So awareness. The next thing is your intention. Now that you have all this information from the awareness that you've created, what do you want to know?

What do you want to do? Who do you want to be and what do you want to understand from all that awareness? What do you want to do with.

01:16:21.380 — 01:16:21.620 · Speaker 4

All that.

01:16:21.620 — 01:18:09.640 · Speaker 2

You have all this luscious information now? Oh, well, I want to be an astronaut. Okay, well, what do you need to do? Right? And so thinking about that intention, then you move into a strategy. You create a strategy which would be a plan of action, of creating taking that awareness which is possibility. Right.

Putting it into an intention. You take it and you put it into a strategy. What do I need to do? Oh, that didn't work. Okay, let's reevaluate and do it again. Oh right. So you have the strategy which is your action plan. Then you move that into step four which would be action taking action on it. And that's one of the things that I find with a lot of people.

They have these dreams and they don't take action on the dreams. Take action, do it. Put it in a place, even if it's small increments, starts somewhere. And then the fifth thing is accountability. If you are not leaning into it, if you're not doing the actions, if you're not playing in full, then is there someone there to keep you accountable?

If you can't keep yourself accountable and accountability is saying, I'm going to do this in an actually doing it, it's like an accountant, right? All right. These are the chips. This is what I'm investing in it. Did you actually invest it or is it still sitting in the bank? Right. Okay. You said you were going to do this.

Let's do this. And so we have that as a system intention, awareness, intention, strategy, action, accountability. And so I run it on 12 month cycles. So you start off with awareness then you create an intention. Then it's strategy action accountability month one strategy action accountability month two strategy action accountability month three.

And you go back to the beginning. Now you have new information. You have new awareness because you put this into play. Now you're aware of the person that you are playing with these things. You kind of tweak things, make a new intention. Then again, strategy action accountability strategy action accountability strategy action accountability.

Go back to the beginning. And you do this every three months.

01:18:09.640 — 01:18:30.080 · Speaker 1

So let's think about pretend Julie okay. Julie's out there and she's feeling like her life medium sucks. She's she's got this thought that basically everything relies on her. She runs everything. She's exhausted. There's never enough time in the day. People say, what do you do for fun? She's like, what are you talking about?

My kids are in soccer. I don't do anything for.

01:18:30.080 — 01:18:30.280 · Speaker 4

Fun.

01:18:30.280 — 01:18:52.450 · Speaker 1

Except make sandwiches. Right? And she's got this husband that it's not terrible. She doesn't feel connected. She doesn't, you know, listening to this, she doesn't feel like she's probably the most honest. So let's maybe can we walk her through from awareness to accountability. So, like, start with Julie and she's.

She's listening to this, and she feels that way.

01:18:52.490 — 01:19:07.090 · Speaker 2

Hey, Julie, let's talk about what medium sucks means to you. What is. What are the what are the raw factors in medium? Sucks. And maybe Julie says, well, it sucks that I can't hang out with my girlfriends anymore at night. It sucks that.

01:19:07.090 — 01:19:08.490 · Speaker 4

I feel blog time.

01:19:08.490 — 01:19:21.130 · Speaker 2

I feel blah all the time. It sucks that all of the things that suck. Okay, cool. Now what are the things that actually bring you joy that are in your life? And so that she can actually see that there are some points that bring her joy, even if it's just petting her dog in the morning.

01:19:21.170 — 01:19:22.730 · Speaker 4

Yeah, she loves her kids or.

01:19:22.730 — 01:19:23.450 · Speaker 2

Her coffee.

01:19:23.490 — 01:19:23.890 · Speaker 4

Time.

01:19:23.890 — 01:20:07.930 · Speaker 2

Or whatever it is. And so we we get all this stuff and we put it on the table and we look at it and you have all this awareness and it's like, what could you imagine your life looking like? And she says, well, I could imagine having a person to come pick my kids up from school so that I have more time. Okay. What else?

What else would be awesome? Well, it would be awesome if I had more time with my husband and more romantic time. And maybe we had a playroom with with a sling and some. And a trapeze. Right? Or some wild shit. Okay, tell me more. What? Tell me more about what you could imagine. And so we have what sucks, what's awesome.

And then we have what could be. And so it's like, okay, what do you want to do with that? What do you want to do with that girl? Tell me what you want to.

01:20:07.930 — 01:20:08.730 · Speaker 4

Do now that you're aware.

01:20:08.770 — 01:20:42.730 · Speaker 2

Now that you're aware. What do you want to do with this? Well, I really do want to make that time. So I really do want to have somebody come in and have, you know, and pick the kids up. Okay, well, what? You. But I don't have the money. Okay, so then let's go over your budget. Let's go over what's going on. Do you have a source of income?

Can you make another source of income. Can you a lot some money for that. Have you spoken to your husband or your partner or whoever's in the house with you about about how important this is to you? What could we do to strategize to make that happen? And so we make a strategy around that one point. Let's start there with getting you that more time by getting the kids picked.

01:20:42.730 — 01:20:46.100 · Speaker 1

Up, because that's on the intention phase. She really wants to have. The more.

01:20:46.100 — 01:21:41.700 · Speaker 2

Time right? She wants to have, the more time I want to have more time to have more time with my husband. I have more time than myself. Whatever. That's let's say that's her. The way I do it is top three priorities, right? These are the top three priorities of what you want okay. So that's your top one. So let's figure that out.

Let's make a strategy. And then let's put that strategy into action. Number one have the conversation with your husband right. Number one right. Let's write down all the fine points of this so that you can present it to your husband without getting scared or missing anything out. Number two, let's have the conversation with your husband.

Number three, let's take a look at your budget. Right. Number four, let's start to explore the possibility of people that could actually pick your kids up from school. Let's get into that space. And then and then let's put that into action. Right. Let's put all that stuff into action. Let's actually have the conversation.

Let's do the thing. Let's do all these things. And then if you're then Hanna is going to call you every Tuesday and Saturday to make sure that you're actually getting this shit done.

01:21:41.740 — 01:21:44.550 · Speaker 1

Yeah. You're accountable everybody. People know about your accountability partner.

01:21:44.590 — 01:22:01.550 · Speaker 2

Right. And so then we put that into action and then we reevaluate it. Right. We put it on the calendar to actually reevaluate that and start from the beginning. Did you get it done? If not if yes. Cool. Let's celebrate. Let's move into part two. Right. Whatever the second item on your list was. And then we just keep doing that over and over.

01:22:01.550 — 01:22:07.670 · Speaker 1

When I think about it too, for people, you know, maybe trying to just make the divorce decision. Um,

01:22:08.950 — 01:22:42.840 · Speaker 1

the way I think about it, too, is becoming like in a, in a little bit direct slash simple way too is like, okay, coming into that awareness of maybe I'm not happy in this situation. I don't feel like myself etc.. Mhm. The next I think the place where a lot of people get stuck is they, they, they know that don't like this.

The intention of and I want it to be different. Right. That's where I think a lot of people get hung up. Are they willing to admit that they want it different?

01:22:42.880 — 01:23:28.400 · Speaker 2

Well, they have to see first. And so we go back to awareness. And the things that I've worked on with people with divorce dynamics is some people are aware of certain doomsday scenarios. Right. And so I ask them to get into the doomsday. Let's talk about all the doomsday shit that you can imagine. If you get divorced, what's the worst case scenario?

What would happen to your kids? What would happen to your property? What would happen to your feelings? What would happen to the other person? What's the doomsday scenario? Right? Are they going to commit suicide? Like what is in the back of your mind that you're not allowing yourself to actually see?

And this is where when we deny ourselves the imagination of possibility, we don't look at all the possibilities. And I've had people write out their doomsday scenarios and then look at it and read it and like, none of this shit's going to. Yeah, right.

01:23:28.440 — 01:23:29.480 · Speaker 1

But it was in your brain.

01:23:29.480 — 01:23:56.170 · Speaker 2

But it's in the back. But these are the things that are spinning, and we get anxious because we have multiple scenarios that we're not looking at, and the body is trying to mitigate all of those things. And so when you write it down and you can look at it, you could be like, okay, I can cross these things off the scenario, I can cross these things off.

Okay. So if these are real threats and these are real issues, then we can start. We can look at creating an intention around those things and mitigate those things. But then we're not just looking at the doomsday scenario. What's the actual awesome scenario.

01:23:56.210 — 01:23:57.170 · Speaker 1

The best case scenario.

01:23:57.210 — 01:24:36.170 · Speaker 2

Best case scenario. All of them. Let's get into the fine points of how it's going to serve you, not just serve you from a mental health situation. How is this going to affect your body? How is this going to affect your kids down the road? Right? If you're not being honest with your kids down the road, what are they going to think of you?

Are they going to be able to trust you, or are they going to be able to? What's the best case scenario? If you are honest about this stuff? And we sit down and we lay all of these things on the table, right. Worst case scenario, best case scenario, then what could you what is your dream scenario? What do you what could you imagine that's off the wall right.

Like oh my gosh.

01:24:36.170 — 01:24:36.850 · Speaker 7

Prince Charming.

01:24:36.850 — 01:24:53.900 · Speaker 2

Comes in and this happens and blah blah blah blah blah. And you write this stuff down and then it's like, okay, so what do you want to do with this? What's your intention? Well, my intention is to be as honest as possible. My intention is to really lean into these things. Okay. So let's make a strategy. Let's put that strategy into action.

Let's hold ourselves accountability. Yeah.

01:24:54.020 — 01:25:38.350 · Speaker 1

And I think that I think that for a lot of us listening, getting, making the divorce decisions for a lot of people comes at the intention moment like that, that space. So if you're there, I have a lot of compassion for that and a lot of understanding that it may take you a second. Um, it takes recognizing that it could.

Those best case scenarios are options. They are possibilities, right? They can they can happen. Okay. Oh my gosh, I could keep talking for the rest of forever. Um, but we probably have to save some of it for season two. Do you? Okay, so the show is called Not Saving for later. So we ask these sort of questions to everybody who comes.

Um, the show not saving for later. Is there anything that you save for later or anything that comes up whenever you hear that title.

01:25:38.390 — 01:25:57.110 · Speaker 2

No, I stopped saving things for later. The only thing that I'll save for later is maybe, like, if I'm eating like, I don't eat desserts very much, but like a piece of carrot cake. Like, I'll push it. I'll eat most of it, and then I'll push it to the side until right before I'm getting ready to leave, because I want to have that piece of carrot cake.

01:25:58.070 — 01:25:58.510 · Speaker 1

The only.

01:25:58.510 — 01:25:58.710 · Speaker 2

Thing.

01:25:58.750 — 01:25:59.670 · Speaker 1

To allocate for later is.

01:25:59.710 — 01:26:01.070 · S12

Like a piece of carrot cake. He has one.

01:26:01.310 — 01:26:22.590 · Speaker 2

Carrot cake, pumpkin cake, pumpkin bread, banana bread, things like, I don't eat that stuff very often, so I'll push that to the side. But when it comes to life dynamics, I don't save things for later because there may not be a later. And being a nurse and watching over a thousand people die in front of me.

I watch people have lots of regrets before they passed on.

01:26:22.630 — 01:26:24.990 · Speaker 1

What's the number one regret that you heard?

01:26:25.750 — 01:26:28.270 · Speaker 2

Oh gosh, the number one most common, you mean?

01:26:28.350 — 01:26:28.510 · Speaker 1

Yeah.

01:26:28.550 — 01:26:35.270 · Speaker 2

Most common. Most common regret was not telling somebody that they wanted to be with their mother. They loved them and suffering through that their entire lives.

01:26:35.310 — 01:26:35.750 · Speaker 1

Oh.

01:26:36.350 — 01:27:16.910 · Speaker 2

That is the most painful thing that I've witnessed in people, like in, like people in their 80s 90s saying that they, they wanted to say something to somebody. And I had so many people call me in because I was the cool nurse, right? I was I was super cool, easy to approach and talk to because I wanted them to be as easy as possible in a hospital.

Sure. Possible in a hospital. Uh, and they would ask me to draw the curtain and they'd be like, I need to share something with you. I was in love with my brother, or I was in love with this person or whatever, and I never told them, and I regret it. And I just needed to say it because I've never told anybody this, and then they would die.

Oh, and it was. It was the most beautiful and the most.

01:27:17.270 — 01:27:17.710 · Speaker 1

Uh.

01:27:18.470 — 01:27:37.400 · Speaker 2

Just horrifyingly sad, melancholy dynamic. But they also see these people be free from what they had been holding on to forever. And to be able to say that I love you or to somebody that you really care about because it's what you feel, not because it's the right thing or the wrong thing to do. Tremendous.

01:27:37.440 — 01:27:38.480 · S13

Oh, yes.

01:27:38.880 — 01:28:17.880 · Speaker 2

Mendez. So if I, you know, if if there's something that I would recommend people not save for later. It's their truth. And that's one of the scariest things in the world right now. Because the truth is shunned. We are punished a lot for speaking our truths. Look at what? Uh, if you believe in Jesus Christ.

Right? Look at what? What? This guy was speaking his truth. They nailed him to a cross, right? He's speaking his truth. And they nailed him to a cross. Right. So we've we've had a history of killing people who speak their truths. And it's terrifying to speak your truth. And then when you get to your deathbed and you haven't done it, don't save it for later.

01:28:17.920 — 01:28:20.000 · S13

Yeah. Oh. Maybe so.

01:28:21.080 — 01:28:23.520 · Speaker 1

Uh. Another one. Thank you for sharing that.

01:28:23.560 — 01:28:24.080 · S13

Yeah.

01:28:24.120 — 01:28:36.530 · Speaker 1

Is weather. Is there anything shaking you right now? Is there any. I don't know, quote. You saw meme project, TV show, radio. Some song that's shaking your world up right now.

01:28:37.210 — 01:29:09.930 · Speaker 2

There are two things that are shaking me up right now. Um, one is Napoleon Hill, uh, the author of Thinking Grow Rich. There's somebody who is on who on YouTube, has taken the works of Napoleon Hill and compiled them into some kind of AI situation. And they make these seven hour meditations of Napoleon Hill just drop of a of an AI version of Napoleon Hill, just dropping all these gems that you go to sleep, and it helps you to see the limitless possibility of you earning money and your connection to the universe.

It's

01:29:11.250 — 01:29:11.890 · Speaker 2

so good.

01:29:11.890 — 01:29:13.290 · S12

You're going to have to find the link and.

01:29:13.690 — 01:29:44.180 · Speaker 2

I'll give you the link to this. But there's my wife told me that they're making them every week. They're making a bunch of different ones, but there's one that I listened to. It's six hours and 51 minutes long, and I put it in my headphones, and I and I just go to sleep with it. And it's this whole. And every time I wake, if I wake up in the middle of the night, it's right at the right place, am I right?

The things down in the journal that I need to, and I go back to sleep, and it's all of this stuff that's just about you being really connected with yourself and what it looks like to be in the the Law of Attraction.

01:29:44.180 — 01:29:46.740 · S14

It's so awesome. It's so good.

01:29:46.980 — 01:30:11.700 · Speaker 2

That is lighting me up. And the other thing that's lighting me up are all the works of Paul Selig. And starting from I Am the Word and moving into all of the other books and really listening to those and seeing how deeply woven those things are in my soul, it's been an absolutely amazing journey. Oh yeah, I've listened to, I think, eight or 9 or 10 of his books.

Yeah, they're all awesome.

01:30:11.740 — 01:30:15.820 · Speaker 1

Oh yeah, I've listened to a bunch of them. Okay, who I'm going to, especially that YouTube. I'm like.

01:30:15.860 — 01:30:16.180 · S14

I'm.

01:30:16.540 — 01:30:16.900 · Speaker 1

Listening.

01:30:16.940 — 01:30:18.860 · S14

Holy in hell yeah. For the win.

01:30:19.260 — 01:30:30.950 · Speaker 1

Uh, okay. Any and this is probably related to what you just said. Have you had any dominant thoughts, something that's been, like, in the forefront of your mind that you've been chewing on thinking about recently.

01:30:34.750 — 01:30:37.670 · Speaker 2

I have been thinking about.

01:30:38.430 — 01:30:39.110 · S14

Um.

01:30:40.230 — 01:32:10.880 · Speaker 2

Celebration, and this has been one of the things, like I, I have in my journal every day I write, I have a list of 14 metrics that I go through and they are rested, refreshed, energized, grateful, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, pessimistic, frustrated, present, patient, honest and clear. And celebrating.

Celebrating is what I've been leaning into. And if I fall outside of celebrating, I fall outside of my awareness that there is something more than being in this shitstorm that is happening around me, in the world. And that celebration brings me into gratitude, and gratitude is one of the most exalted emotional spaces and energetic field spaces and frequency that we can ever be in.

And it lights up your immune system, it brings down your inflammation and all of this stuff. So my celebration, if it's not on ten out of ten, when I wake up, I strategize on how to make that celebration a ten out of ten, that I can move my fingers, that I can sit up, that I can eat, that I have a place to live, that I have people around me that I have amazing humans like you who are who are putting the word out about how we can shift ourselves into a space where we see ourselves fully.

That celebration is limitless for me. I'm coveting goosebumps right now just thinking about it. But we have. I have been taught when I was a kid,

01:32:12.440 — 01:32:50.120 · Speaker 2

uh, and I love my brother. Right. We had some rough times as kids, but my brother would hit me whenever I would celebrate who he would hit me and call me corny. And so I learned to dull my celebration down. And at any time I saw somebody else celebrating, I would move to shut them down and call them corny or this is stupid or ridiculous.

And so I learned to not celebrate on a physiological level, and that shut me down in so many ways. And for the gift of that occurrence to happen in my life, so that I can show people how to actually celebrate the marvel and the majesty and the awesomeness that each individual human being is, is the space that I'm in and I'm locked in on it, girl.

01:32:50.160 — 01:32:50.480 · S14

Yeah.

01:32:50.480 — 01:32:52.200 · Speaker 2

So celebration is where I'm at.

01:32:52.200 — 01:33:35.970 · Speaker 1

I it's interesting you say that word because yesterday and even this morning a continuation, I was on a meeting and somebody was talking about this thing that happened in their business that had done this. I said, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Did you hear what you just said? A 50% increase in the revenue. Da da da da da da.

Like what? Amazing. And I just, like, stopped the train of, like, don't run past that. Like, take a second. Congratulations. That's huge. Do you remember a time when you would have just, like, died for that to be the fact and we're so busy focused on the next thing. Accomplishing the next thing. I received that, I received that reminder.

I received that synchronicity too, from in my own heart of saying, like telling my friends who were in that group like taking the time to celebrate.

01:33:36.010 — 01:33:37.290 · S12

Okay, last question for you.

01:33:37.330 — 01:33:45.810 · Speaker 1

Sure, if you could only tell the women of divorced land you know, before, during and after divorce one thing, what would you tell them?

01:33:47.010 — 01:33:48.210 · Speaker 2

I would tell them

01:33:49.410 — 01:34:35.060 · Speaker 2

you were born knowing everything that you need to know, and you have been taught how to meticulously and intricately talk yourself out of it. As far as relationships, as far as marriage, as far as anything goes, you've been taught how to talk yourself out of it. Please be honest with yourself. Lean into yourself and trust yourself.

You are a woman, and you have been born with the gift of intuition in ways that men could never understand. End. Follow your intuition every time. It will not lead you astray. There will be people who will try to talk you out of your intuition. Go in the other direction.

01:34:35.100 — 01:34:38.020 · S15

Mm mm. Amen. Thank you all for sharing.

01:34:38.300 — 01:34:51.380 · Speaker 1

Thank you for sharing your heart and just all your experience. I know it's been. It's been earned over a lifetime. And thank you for gifting that to all of us. Got it. And for just the work you do for people in the world.

01:34:51.380 — 01:34:51.820 · S15

Uh.

01:34:51.980 — 01:35:03.860 · Speaker 1

And helping them see their dishonesty doesn't make them wrong. It is an invitation to have compassion for others in that.

01:35:03.860 — 01:35:04.740 · Speaker 5

Same space, and.

01:35:04.740 — 01:35:05.700 · Speaker 1

To become.

01:35:06.020 — 01:35:08.380 · Speaker 5

More of themselves and share more of themselves.

01:35:08.380 — 01:35:09.340 · Speaker 1

And I think that.

01:35:09.340 — 01:35:10.020 · Speaker 5

That

01:35:11.060 — 01:35:13.940 · Speaker 5

permission slip is such a gift. So thank you.

01:35:15.140 — 01:35:15.900 · S14

Thank you.