[00:00:00.00 -> 00:00:02.72] by passing the difficult parts.

[00:00:02.72 -> 00:00:05.52] I'm short-circuiting my future self-sability

[00:00:05.52 -> 00:00:07.12] to experience the really good stuff.

[00:00:07.12 -> 00:00:10.64] I've tried lots of other ways to do this,

[00:00:10.64 -> 00:00:13.56] but I've sort of learned now as I'm 42 years old,

[00:00:13.56 -> 00:00:15.64] there's no way out, there's only through.

[00:00:15.64 -> 00:00:18.48] It's something that I call full spectrum humanity.

[00:00:18.48 -> 00:00:20.84] It's the full experience of your humanness.

[00:00:20.84 -> 00:00:24.32] I know I have been taught to only look for the good stuff,

[00:00:24.32 -> 00:00:27.44] the positive stuff, and to move away from even examining

[00:00:27.44 -> 00:00:29.80] or exploring the things that have been unpleasant,

[00:00:29.80 -> 00:00:33.72] things that have been bad, like run away from that stuff. These are all signals that are

[00:00:33.72 -> 00:00:38.08] telling us to go in one direction or another. If you feel unpleasant and you keep doing the

[00:00:38.08 -> 00:00:42.48] same thing again, the unpleasantness is going to amplify that unpleasantness is telling

[00:00:42.48 -> 00:00:45.92] you to move away from that. Get away from that. Go in the other direction. Go to the

[00:00:45.92 -> 00:00:50.08] ease. This is where I'm in my full spectrum humanity when I honor those signals. I don't

[00:00:50.08 -> 00:00:51.76] run from them.

[00:00:51.76 -> 00:00:58.84] Let's be honest. Most of us were taught to wait our turn to tone it down, to save it for

[00:00:58.84 -> 00:01:05.12] later. Later. When the kids are grown later, when the timing's right, later when you

[00:01:05.12 -> 00:01:13.76] finally stop caring what they think. Well, I'm done waiting. I'm Hannah Hympery Bell,

[00:01:13.76 -> 00:01:19.92] Texas Divorce Lawyer, mom and woman who rebuilt her life from the wreckage. This is not

[00:01:19.92 -> 00:01:26.20] saving it for later. The podcast guiding women through divorce and beyond. Hello and welcome

[00:01:26.20 -> 00:01:31.08] everybody to today's episode of not saving it for later. I am excited back

[00:01:31.08 -> 00:01:35.96] per season to I know y'all could not get enough of him and neither can I. My

[00:01:35.96 -> 00:01:40.56] friend and yours, Todd Whitty, for those of you who didn't catch him on the

[00:01:40.56 -> 00:01:45.68] first season like what are you doing and also talk. I mean it's like just

[00:01:45.68 -> 00:01:53.16] trying to nail you down in the description. Former nurse healer, wisdom

[00:01:53.16 -> 00:01:58.76] sage or what would how would you describe yourself to? Oh, I'm a man of existence.

[00:02:00.76 -> 00:02:05.40] I'm actually not a former nurse. You never stop. I never stop being a nurse. I'm just not

[00:02:05.40 -> 00:02:10.44] practicing in the hospital. So you never, once a nurse you're in the air. So you never get to

[00:02:10.44 -> 00:02:20.68] be a former nurse, unfortunately. Unfortunately, unfortunately. Yeah. So I am a man of a human being

[00:02:20.68 -> 00:02:28.60] of connection. I connect the dots for people. And when they have challenges with figuring

[00:02:28.60 -> 00:02:33.96] out what's going on in their lives as far as emotionally, as far as relationally, as far

[00:02:33.96 -> 00:02:39.16] as health-wise, there are dots that are not connecting. And so I hope people connect the dots

[00:02:39.16 -> 00:02:42.12] and clear away all the blind spots so that they can have an integrated life.

[00:02:42.84 -> 00:02:48.12] Yeah, well, I know that's true. It's definitely been true for me. So I met Taw,

[00:02:48.12 -> 00:02:52.12] through a mutual friend of ours, Marla Matinson, who is wonderful. We love you Marla.

[00:02:52.12 -> 00:02:53.48] I love you girl.

[00:02:53.48 -> 00:03:00.92] Yeah. And we met and immediately I was like, just taken and told Tall then and said it's

[00:03:00.92 -> 00:03:05.32] several times in still feel that way that Tall really is a singular person on the planet.

[00:03:05.32 -> 00:03:10.20] I mean, I know we all are, but he brings such an insight in wisdom where it's like,

[00:03:11.40 -> 00:03:15.00] I never thought about like that. I didn't ever connect those dots. And so for me,

[00:03:15.00 -> 00:03:22.32] It's been such a joy and true and I did some work with Taw together, which was super transformative

[00:03:22.32 -> 00:03:28.00] and I think helped usher in a new level for us as a couple.

[00:03:28.00 -> 00:03:31.86] And we even, I don't think I've told you this, but like when we were reflecting on

[00:03:31.86 -> 00:03:37.64] 2026 and looking back at 25, looking forward to 26, one of the things we talked about

[00:03:37.64 -> 00:03:41.20] that we were both proud of is the way we showed up and doing our work with you and how

[00:03:41.20 -> 00:03:43.16] meaningful that was for both of us.

[00:03:43.16 -> 00:03:44.84] So I can attest to that.

[00:03:44.84 -> 00:03:49.44] And actually, the reason that maybe think of, hey,

[00:03:49.44 -> 00:03:53.92] Tony's come back for season two was a thread you helped pull

[00:03:53.92 -> 00:03:57.16] in that work together with me and Drew,

[00:03:57.16 -> 00:04:00.68] that I wanted to kind of dive a little deeper into.

[00:04:00.68 -> 00:04:03.48] Marlowe said, ghost the lunking, like into that weird,

[00:04:03.48 -> 00:04:05.04] into that weird spot, dive in.

[00:04:05.04 -> 00:04:07.00] And so more than anything selfishly,

[00:04:07.00 -> 00:04:09.12] I wanted to continue talking about it.

[00:04:09.12 -> 00:04:11.72] And it hit me that I think a lot of women

[00:04:11.72 -> 00:04:13.76] before, during or after, divorce, can relate.

[00:04:13.76 -> 00:04:19.04] And then too, this is something, actually the producer of the show, Logan Lipper, who's

[00:04:19.04 -> 00:04:24.44] amazing at authentic exposure in Austin, like, little plug for Logan.

[00:04:24.44 -> 00:04:30.60] He and I were talking after our last recording about this exact issue and what he was experiencing.

[00:04:30.60 -> 00:04:38.40] So I'll explain for myself first when we were working together with Drew, we were talking,

[00:04:38.40 -> 00:04:42.32] like, we were digging, I mean, you get deep and we're like, spend a 12 hour day together.

[00:04:42.32 -> 00:04:44.76] So you get deep into some stuff.

[00:04:44.76 -> 00:04:49.04] And one of the things in my experience, I didn't even know this, so I got a lot older,

[00:04:49.04 -> 00:04:54.96] was I learned that I don't think in words and a lot of most people that I know do think

[00:04:54.96 -> 00:04:55.96] in words.

[00:04:55.96 -> 00:05:00.56] Like in their brain, they hear thoughts as words like in a row like a sentence.

[00:05:00.56 -> 00:05:03.04] So they would talk about this mean voice in their head.

[00:05:03.04 -> 00:05:08.08] I did not understand they meant literally like words were being said to them in their

[00:05:08.08 -> 00:05:09.96] head at their selves.

[00:05:09.96 -> 00:05:11.72] Because my brain works a lot.

[00:05:11.72 -> 00:05:13.76] It's just sensations.

[00:05:13.76 -> 00:05:15.00] I get a sense about it thing.

[00:05:15.00 -> 00:05:16.00] I'll see a thing.

[00:05:16.00 -> 00:05:19.60] It's visual, but I don't actually think in words.

[00:05:19.60 -> 00:05:27.36] So whenever we were doing the work and we were trying to dig deep into the feeling

[00:05:27.36 -> 00:05:29.40] I was having, I don't even remember what brought it up.

[00:05:29.40 -> 00:05:32.72] It was about honesty and being honest with myself and showing up into the relationship

[00:05:32.72 -> 00:05:36.20] as my fullest self.

[00:05:36.20 -> 00:05:41.32] We found this little part of me that was in like anybody familiar with internal family systems

[00:05:41.32 -> 00:05:46.84] and parts work. It was this part, this like the being part, like the critic part. And because

[00:05:46.84 -> 00:05:51.64] I don't think in words, I hadn't heard her audibly. I didn't wake up with her being like,

[00:05:51.64 -> 00:05:55.64] you know what? You're lazy stupid piece of shit. But like I think some people's brains are

[00:05:55.64 -> 00:06:00.92] mean to them like that. I wasn't having that experience. But then whenever you kind of pulled

[00:06:00.92 -> 00:06:06.92] onto and caught onto this part of me that was so critical and so hard on myself and asked

[00:06:06.92 -> 00:06:15.96] me and led me in like giving vocal words to that sensation inside of me. I remember all this

[00:06:15.96 -> 00:06:21.24] ugliness coming out that shocked me when I just sort of channeled and touched into that feeling

[00:06:21.24 -> 00:06:27.40] inside and then spoke about it. And it was like that girl was saying to me, you know, can't you just

[00:06:27.40 -> 00:06:30.20] be fucking grateful, you ungrateful bitch.

[00:06:30.20 -> 00:06:32.00] Like you have this amazing life.

[00:06:32.00 -> 00:06:33.64] Like how could you want more?

[00:06:33.64 -> 00:06:36.88] And then this same voice was like, you better not start wanting desire.

[00:06:36.88 -> 00:06:38.52] His was got you into anything in the first place.

[00:06:38.52 -> 00:06:39.52] Like you can't trust your wanting.

[00:06:39.52 -> 00:06:40.92] You can't trust your desire.

[00:06:40.92 -> 00:06:42.52] You need to just get used to it.

[00:06:42.52 -> 00:06:44.76] You need to, like I don't even want to go even all the way there.

[00:06:44.76 -> 00:06:48.72] Like even starting together can kind of like make me feel kind of upset.

[00:06:48.72 -> 00:06:53.92] But in doing that, you helped reflect back to me.

[00:06:53.92 -> 00:07:00.86] technique, I guess I developed through all the hard stuff of really staying one

[00:07:00.86 -> 00:07:07.72] half step removed from my whole life. So I wasn't fully experiencing the joy

[00:07:07.72 -> 00:07:14.02] and fully experiencing the pain and that inner mean voice was the one making

[00:07:14.02 -> 00:07:19.38] sure and I'm like warning me and being kind of my mean protector and like

[00:07:19.38 -> 00:07:26.10] like, I don't know, the minimize or whatever she was doing, sort of keep me safe.

[00:07:26.10 -> 00:07:34.02] And I've thought about that so many times since then, because I would say, because I

[00:07:34.02 -> 00:07:37.22] got to a point and would think of it as a badge of honor, right?

[00:07:37.22 -> 00:07:41.26] Like, not so emotionally, emotionally moved.

[00:07:41.26 -> 00:07:48.02] I've learned through my life to get those emotions in check and everything isn't so

[00:07:48.02 -> 00:07:54.74] serious. And why are you so much? And why are you actually like this is such a big deal? And how

[00:07:54.74 -> 00:08:04.26] can you just get along? Why are you so angry? Oh man, that one. And I think over time learned to

[00:08:04.26 -> 00:08:09.46] get those feelings in check. I thought that was a good thing, keeping this emotional, even

[00:08:09.46 -> 00:08:15.62] kill most of all the time, being able to do that through my divorce, through the trauma stuff

[00:08:15.62 -> 00:08:22.42] that happen with my kids through the stuff that I had to survive or chose to survive.

[00:08:22.42 -> 00:08:28.58] And that I developed such a callousness and really had just sort of removed myself.

[00:08:28.58 -> 00:08:32.92] So sometimes I would see these really bad things happening going on.

[00:08:32.92 -> 00:08:37.78] And I still have this within me and I just kind of dissociate just like, take a step back.

[00:08:37.78 -> 00:08:38.78] That's not going to touch me.

[00:08:38.78 -> 00:08:39.78] That's not going to get to me.

[00:08:39.78 -> 00:08:43.58] And I realized I did that with the hard stuff, but I also realized I did that with the good

[00:08:43.58 -> 00:08:44.98] stuff.

[00:08:44.98 -> 00:08:50.70] And in learning to keep out the bad, I developed a skill so I didn't get to just choose

[00:08:50.70 -> 00:08:52.02] to keep out the bad.

[00:08:52.02 -> 00:08:58.18] That same skill was being deployed proactively, preemptively against the good.

[00:08:58.18 -> 00:09:01.46] I better keep that out because, oh, hard stuff.

[00:09:01.46 -> 00:09:03.50] We know really good stuff.

[00:09:03.50 -> 00:09:05.10] Oh, that's dangerous and scary.

[00:09:05.10 -> 00:09:06.10] That's going to get you.

[00:09:06.10 -> 00:09:08.62] We know what happens when you want.

[00:09:08.62 -> 00:09:10.62] We know what happens when you desire.

[00:09:10.62 -> 00:09:11.62] We know what happens.

[00:09:11.62 -> 00:09:13.10] You're going to get disappointed.

[00:09:13.10 -> 00:09:15.34] Your expectations are going to be let down.

[00:09:15.34 -> 00:09:17.58] You're going to make bad decisions.

[00:09:17.58 -> 00:09:19.78] You're going to be a wild woman.

[00:09:19.78 -> 00:09:21.34] And that woman, we don't got time for her.

[00:09:21.34 -> 00:09:26.26] We don't got time for her craziness because we got things to do, you know, business being

[00:09:26.26 -> 00:09:29.78] safe, push-ups to do, kids to drop off, lunges to make whatever.

[00:09:29.78 -> 00:09:35.34] And so I just wanted to have a conversation because what I was bringing up Logan, Logan

[00:09:35.34 -> 00:09:40.94] was talking to me about how, you know, this idea in this new phase of his life.

[00:09:40.94 -> 00:09:42.50] He'd been divorced.

[00:09:42.50 -> 00:09:47.42] So with Logan, you know, after divorce, getting back in there, in to dating.

[00:09:47.42 -> 00:09:51.26] And really find him someone that's like, all of his dreams come in true.

[00:09:51.26 -> 00:09:54.74] Like everything he ever wanted and he was just remarking after we were recording.

[00:09:54.74 -> 00:09:58.50] Like, yeah, I found myself being like, whoa, this retraction.

[00:09:58.50 -> 00:10:00.06] Like I'm getting all the things I want.

[00:10:00.00 -> 00:10:02.32] Hang on a minute.

[00:10:02.32 -> 00:10:05.16] Don't do all this, like, that can't be, right?

[00:10:05.16 -> 00:10:10.16] This, this catch, this caging, this couching talk.

[00:10:11.64 -> 00:10:14.40] So I guess I just dump all that in your lap and say,

[00:10:14.40 -> 00:10:15.40] what say you?

[00:10:15.40 -> 00:10:16.24] This is perfect.

[00:10:16.24 -> 00:10:17.08] This is perfect.

[00:10:17.08 -> 00:10:19.36] It's something that I come across a lot.

[00:10:19.36 -> 00:10:24.08] And there's a lot of nuance that's happening in that space.

[00:10:24.08 -> 00:10:28.52] And moving into a place where we can remove judgment

[00:10:28.52 -> 00:10:33.52] from any of the circumstances or any of the mechanisms that come up.

[00:10:33.60 -> 00:10:36.40] That's the first thing that I'm going to invite you into as we have this

[00:10:36.40 -> 00:10:40.08] conversation is the removing the judgment as this is good or this is bad.

[00:10:40.76 -> 00:10:41.12] Right.

[00:10:41.24 -> 00:10:42.00] This is a good thing.

[00:10:42.00 -> 00:10:42.84] This is a bad thing.

[00:10:42.88 -> 00:10:43.36] It's a thing.

[00:10:43.36 -> 00:10:44.08] It's another thing.

[00:10:44.64 -> 00:10:45.00] Right.

[00:10:45.08 -> 00:10:47.08] And so the things are always functional for something.

[00:10:47.56 -> 00:10:52.80] When these things come up, I find that familiarity is the overarching

[00:10:52.80 -> 00:10:56.44] dynamic familiarity needs to be protected.

[00:10:56.60 -> 00:10:57.24] What you know?

[00:10:57.40 -> 00:10:57.96] What you know?

[00:10:57.96 -> 00:11:04.24] That needs to be protected by what he means to be protected by whom it needs to be protected by whatever mechanism is set up

[00:11:04.24 -> 00:11:08.22] Whatever is trip wiring to tell you not to go forward into something conscious

[00:11:08.22 -> 00:11:12.44] Something right whatever those you're saying that they're this don't do that. This is gonna happen

[00:11:12.44 -> 00:11:16.52] This is gonna fall apart. These are mechanisms that are keeping you in a box

[00:11:17.00 -> 00:11:23.84] So that you don't expand out so the thing that the thing that is counter to familiarity is newness and

[00:11:24.84 -> 00:11:26.84] many times in societies on

[00:11:26.84 -> 00:11:32.22] On this planet we are programmed into staying with the familiar the familiar can be

[00:11:32.86 -> 00:11:37.98] Painful it can be uncomfortable unpleasant. It can be awesome. It can be wonderful

[00:11:37.98 -> 00:11:44.62] But it's the familiarity that we're protecting and so if we look to move away from familiarity

[00:11:44.74 -> 00:11:50.00] There may be constructs structures dynamics people that are like don't do that

[00:11:50.34 -> 00:11:54.04] Don't do that. You're gonna get hurt or they tell you a threat

[00:11:54.04 -> 00:12:02.24] But they don't really know because they haven't actually been there or they base it on some past historical data and say that it's going to be exactly the same way it wasn't a past.

[00:12:02.56 -> 00:12:12.40] So as as he was saying a few moments ago, the there's this newness to this relationship. He's getting everything that he wants.

[00:12:12.44 -> 00:12:18.04] And then there's, but there's these things that are saying don't do that. Don't do that because you're going to get hurt. Don't do that.

[00:12:18.04 -> 00:12:22.04] somebody's going to walk away from you. These are all protective mechanisms that have been set up

[00:12:23.00 -> 00:12:27.80] during previous hurts. So the previous hurts, like if you go next to a stove,

[00:12:29.08 -> 00:12:32.36] and you put your hand next to the stove, you don't know that you're a kid. You don't know what

[00:12:32.36 -> 00:12:37.24] hot is. You put your hand next to the stove and you get burned. There's a mechanism that comes

[00:12:37.24 -> 00:12:42.44] online now. When you get next to the stove, you may start doing this. It's the same thing with being

[00:12:42.44 -> 00:12:47.64] in a relationship with somebody and you get literally get burned in a relationship, then all these

[00:12:47.64 -> 00:12:53.40] creative mechanisms come online to keep you from going back into that same type of dynamic.

[00:12:53.96 -> 00:12:58.60] And those are those are blockades. And so they will blockade you from moving into something new

[00:12:58.60 -> 00:13:05.08] with a new person or a new dynamic because it's looking through the old lens. And there's nothing

[00:13:05.08 -> 00:13:08.76] wrong with it. Again, this is not a good or a bad thing. It's a protective mechanism. But when you

[00:13:08.76 -> 00:13:15.24] when you recognize the protective mechanism, you can shift that. And it's like if we if we went to war,

[00:13:15.24 -> 00:13:21.64] right? You and I are warriors and we go to war and we're fighting off all these enemies

[00:13:21.64 -> 00:13:26.20] and we have all this armor that we put on and we're protecting the front of the castle,

[00:13:26.20 -> 00:13:30.60] right? We're doing all this stuff and then the war is over. Yes, but we're still at the gate.

[00:13:31.32 -> 00:13:36.44] Peace has been here for 10, 15, 20 years, but we're still at the gate threatening everybody

[00:13:36.44 -> 00:13:41.80] that comes to the gate because of the war that happened 15, 20 years ago. And that's

[00:13:41.80 -> 00:13:44.04] That's because that's what we're familiar with.

[00:13:44.04 -> 00:13:48.68] And so if we don't take down the armor and look outside of the armor and actually touch

[00:13:48.68 -> 00:13:52.12] and feel and see the newness, we can't acclimate to the newness.

[00:13:52.12 -> 00:13:55.24] And it becomes a nervous system dynamic.

[00:13:55.24 -> 00:13:56.24] Does that make sense?

[00:13:56.24 -> 00:13:57.24] Yeah.

[00:13:57.24 -> 00:13:58.68] So okay, I'm just in my brain getting the steps.

[00:13:58.68 -> 00:14:01.64] So the first thing you said was to remove judgment.

[00:14:01.64 -> 00:14:06.16] And I guess you mean like that this is a good thing of the protection mechanism being

[00:14:06.16 -> 00:14:07.16] a good thing or a bad thing.

[00:14:07.16 -> 00:14:08.16] Right.

[00:14:08.16 -> 00:14:09.16] It gets just a fact.

[00:14:09.16 -> 00:14:10.16] Right.

[00:14:10.16 -> 00:14:11.16] Or the situation being a good thing.

[00:14:11.16 -> 00:14:17.00] We're moving that part and then understanding that the part of us that's resist, that

[00:14:17.00 -> 00:14:20.28] puts it is the part of us, whatever that is.

[00:14:20.28 -> 00:14:24.68] I mean, subconscious, your memory, whatever part of your lizard brain is doing it.

[00:14:24.68 -> 00:14:28.60] It's saying, hey, well, warning warning, that's new territory.

[00:14:29.56 -> 00:14:34.68] We can manage this regular spot. We already know how to deal with this. We know how to deal with

[00:14:34.68 -> 00:14:40.92] all this bullshit and whatever. We can do that. But this new stuff, this like, and the context,

[00:14:40.92 -> 00:14:45.08] I'm thinking of like allowing the good in right like and this is for people women of divorce

[00:14:45.08 -> 00:14:50.60] land like maybe after the fact like as things are starting to get better a new hurdle if

[00:14:50.60 -> 00:14:55.64] you're not there yet you're going to be there probably um unless you listen to and uh you want

[00:14:55.64 -> 00:15:02.12] to um is this it's saying hey we know what it's like to be in a relationship that doesn't serve us

[00:15:02.12 -> 00:15:07.32] we know what it's like to be told we're stupid whatever whatever and this new other thing

[00:15:07.32 -> 00:15:10.76] It's unfamiliar and unknown.

[00:15:10.76 -> 00:15:15.00] And therefore, that part of us says we got to protect against it because we don't know what

[00:15:15.00 -> 00:15:19.00] the outcome would be and we can't have more of the bad stuff.

[00:15:19.00 -> 00:15:20.00] So no.

[00:15:20.00 -> 00:15:21.00] Okay.

[00:15:21.00 -> 00:15:22.52] So that's kind of what's happening.

[00:15:22.52 -> 00:15:23.52] Okay.

[00:15:23.52 -> 00:15:32.44] It's like if you take math and you learn the slope formula, y equals mx plus b.

[00:15:32.44 -> 00:15:35.04] And you try and you learn that and you perfect that.

[00:15:35.04 -> 00:15:38.96] And you've been applying it to all of these coordinates.

[00:15:38.96 -> 00:15:43.88] And then something happens and somebody comes in and tries to use the quadratic equation

[00:15:43.88 -> 00:15:45.60] to solve the slope dynamics.

[00:15:45.60 -> 00:15:47.76] It's not going to work, right?

[00:15:47.76 -> 00:15:52.66] And so you have to, you'll go back to the slope formula and try to use the slope formula

[00:15:52.66 -> 00:15:57.28] to solve the quadratic formula, the quadratic equation and it's not going to work.

[00:15:57.28 -> 00:16:01.00] You keep trying to use the old formula to solve the new dynamic.

[00:16:01.00 -> 00:16:05.04] How do you move transcend beyond that, move beyond that?

[00:16:05.04 -> 00:16:10.12] You have to recognize first that you're using old programs to apply to new dynamics.

[00:16:10.12 -> 00:16:11.52] So I can awareness of it.

[00:16:11.52 -> 00:16:12.68] That's number one.

[00:16:12.68 -> 00:16:16.40] So there are five steps to, and I teach this to all my students.

[00:16:16.40 -> 00:16:18.68] I teach this in my men's work.

[00:16:18.68 -> 00:16:20.16] There are five steps to it.

[00:16:20.16 -> 00:16:21.72] The first thing is awareness.

[00:16:21.72 -> 00:16:25.68] You have to have awareness of yourself in the situation, awareness of the situation, awareness

[00:16:25.68 -> 00:16:29.80] of the people, awareness of your past programs, awareness that you're protecting something,

[00:16:29.80 -> 00:16:34.04] awareness that if you are in an anger space that you are protecting, right?

[00:16:34.04 -> 00:16:37.64] There's a protective mechanism online awareness of how you feel about it,

[00:16:37.64 -> 00:16:42.00] awareness. And that's the first thing. The second thing is intention,

[00:16:42.36 -> 00:16:45.16] when you start to figure out you have all this awareness,

[00:16:45.16 -> 00:16:48.44] what do you want to do with all that information? What do you want to know?

[00:16:49.44 -> 00:16:53.36] What do you want to do? Who do you want to be and what do you want to

[00:16:53.36 -> 00:16:55.64] understand about that information?

[00:16:55.64 -> 00:17:00.96] So like in this situation, can we apply them as we go a little bit so with intention?

[00:17:00.96 -> 00:17:04.72] So I'm aware Logan as we're talking about is aware of this

[00:17:05.72 -> 00:17:09.88] And mine I guess is the half step removed is a little bit different

[00:17:11.16 -> 00:17:19.16] Kind of the two scenarios. I mean, I'm thinking of allowing good in and mine mine is like another level of that of allowing good

[00:17:19.16 -> 00:17:24.84] In but then allowing all of it in and to sort of permeate me deeply and just be in the middle of my life

[00:17:24.84 -> 00:17:30.76] like for this purpose, like of allowing the good in. So the intention to ask, you're aware,

[00:17:30.76 -> 00:17:34.60] okay, I'm doing, I'm having this pattern, something good is arrived. And I'm like,

[00:17:34.60 -> 00:17:43.72] lit, I don't know. I got it back up here, run, whatever, that awareness I'm seeing it.

[00:17:43.72 -> 00:17:50.36] And so then I would need to ask myself, okay, what do I want to be the person who does this sort

[00:17:50.36 -> 00:17:55.88] thing. How do I want to show up? What am I trying to create? Am I willing to do something different

[00:17:55.88 -> 00:18:00.84] about this? Right? Like do I want to be someone who keeps the good stuff out? Do I want to be?

[00:18:00.84 -> 00:18:04.60] So I'm going to stop you for a second. I'm going to backtrack a little bit. The word good is

[00:18:04.60 -> 00:18:10.04] coming online. So I just want to bring that into your attention space. Good or bad are usually

[00:18:10.04 -> 00:18:17.24] binary spaces that we have judgments, dynamics on unconscious levels. Does that make sense? And so

[00:18:17.24 -> 00:18:21.36] If you have a challenge with good coming into your life,

[00:18:21.36 -> 00:18:24.96] your all your blockades may come up even in this conversation.

[00:18:24.96 -> 00:18:27.56] And you may judge it based on that it's good

[00:18:27.56 -> 00:18:29.20] and that can bring up things in your body.

[00:18:29.20 -> 00:18:31.36] So what if we remove good, right?

[00:18:31.36 -> 00:18:33.40] Something different is coming into my life.

[00:18:33.40 -> 00:18:37.20] And these different things are bringing these feelings up,

[00:18:37.20 -> 00:18:39.16] these ideas and stuff like that.

[00:18:39.16 -> 00:18:40.84] So you move the word good out of the way,

[00:18:40.84 -> 00:18:42.96] which removes a blockade in the first place.

[00:18:42.96 -> 00:18:45.00] Because if you're having a challenge with things

[00:18:45.00 -> 00:18:46.64] that are good coming into your life,

[00:18:46.64 -> 00:18:52.40] The language, the language, I work in a space called language forward.

[00:18:52.40 -> 00:18:56.20] I put my language in front of me all the time and I work with people and this is a lot

[00:18:56.20 -> 00:18:59.52] of what we did together is putting language in front of you.

[00:18:59.52 -> 00:19:04.36] So you can see the language and change the words that are causing tension, move them out

[00:19:04.36 -> 00:19:06.44] of the way and use something else.

[00:19:06.44 -> 00:19:10.12] The word different is always a word.

[00:19:10.12 -> 00:19:11.92] It's very unbiased.

[00:19:11.92 -> 00:19:15.28] Would you like something different instead of would you like something good?

[00:19:15.28 -> 00:19:19.84] like, oh, that's bad. Or do you want something bad to happen? Remove those two words. And then

[00:19:19.84 -> 00:19:26.88] you can alchemize inside of that by saying, okay, I want something different. So in this space of,

[00:19:27.04 -> 00:19:30.64] you want good in your life that you said something to that effect of you want good in your life.

[00:19:30.64 -> 00:19:34.88] What if it was I want something different in my life? I want this thing that's feeling this way.

[00:19:34.88 -> 00:19:39.76] I see this is coming into my life. What are you feeling? Well, what I was thinking was when you said,

[00:19:39.76 -> 00:19:44.76] good and bad inside I started to feel like I was trying to keep up with you and feeling

[00:19:44.76 -> 00:19:49.28] a little bit of I did have a reaction inside to the word good and the word bad. When

[00:19:49.28 -> 00:19:53.28] you said different I was like I feel neutral about that word. I was thinking that as

[00:19:53.28 -> 00:19:59.96] you were doing it. So like yeah I guess to me because whenever and what that

[00:20:00.00 -> 00:20:04.80] does I guess if you're not willing to say something is good or not, is different and let's find out.

[00:20:04.80 -> 00:20:13.44] Like it brings an openness to find out whether I prefer this different or not versus good. I'm

[00:20:13.44 -> 00:20:17.52] judging it in advance. It has to be a certain way to be good. And I'm already sort of trying to

[00:20:17.52 -> 00:20:25.76] pre-control as that we're saying. Yeah, that is what I'm saying. And different for me and I'm up to

[00:20:25.76 -> 00:20:30.48] for challenges in this space. Different for me is database. I want something different. As opposed

[00:20:30.48 -> 00:20:35.36] to I want something good. Good and bad are usually narrative based. They're based on a story that

[00:20:35.36 -> 00:20:40.96] you've made up or a story that you've been embedded with or something you've contrived based on

[00:20:40.96 -> 00:20:46.32] past historical data. It's based on past data, but it is not the data itself. So it's something

[00:20:46.32 -> 00:20:52.16] different. Right? It's like I have these apples and these apples. Oh, these are good apples.

[00:20:52.16 -> 00:20:53.40] And these are bad apples.

[00:20:53.40 -> 00:20:55.12] Or what's the data?

[00:20:55.12 -> 00:20:57.44] These have bruises.

[00:20:57.44 -> 00:20:58.44] I don't want to have bruises.

[00:20:58.44 -> 00:20:59.60] They feel mushy in my mouth.

[00:20:59.60 -> 00:21:00.60] I don't want to eat that.

[00:21:00.60 -> 00:21:02.64] These are good apples.

[00:21:02.64 -> 00:21:04.48] You should eat these because they're good.

[00:21:04.48 -> 00:21:05.16] Why are they good?

[00:21:05.16 -> 00:21:06.56] Because they don't have dents in it.

[00:21:06.56 -> 00:21:10.20] But what if the bruises still did taste good?

[00:21:10.20 -> 00:21:11.44] How do you know?

[00:21:11.44 -> 00:21:13.08] And so this is where we get data.

[00:21:13.08 -> 00:21:15.64] Raw data moves the judgment out of the way.

[00:21:15.64 -> 00:21:18.40] And it allows you to make an appraisal in a different space.

[00:21:18.40 -> 00:21:18.92] OK.

[00:21:18.92 -> 00:21:19.56] Does that make sense?

[00:21:19.56 -> 00:21:20.04] Yeah.

[00:21:20.04 -> 00:21:20.84] I think so.

[00:21:20.84 -> 00:21:21.20] OK.

[00:21:21.20 -> 00:21:24.56] So once I've set the intention, I want to have a different experience.

[00:21:24.56 -> 00:21:29.48] I like I about where I wear that a block pattern is showing up.

[00:21:29.48 -> 00:21:32.56] I want the intention to have a different experience than what?

[00:21:32.56 -> 00:21:33.56] Okay.

[00:21:33.56 -> 00:21:37.00] With different experience, what do you want to know about the experience?

[00:21:37.00 -> 00:21:43.20] I mean, for me, I'm just thinking of, I guess the way this shows up for me, Todd, is like,

[00:21:43.20 -> 00:21:46.16] I think I'm getting better at it.

[00:21:46.16 -> 00:21:51.84] like, oh, that's to like for instance, when a new this comes up for me when there's a team

[00:21:51.84 -> 00:21:58.16] member doing amazing at my law firm. And there's some part of me that the whole time wants to

[00:21:58.16 -> 00:22:04.08] hedge. Like what if they left, they're so great. And then has all the worry things. And then

[00:22:04.08 -> 00:22:09.12] instead of just allowing the situation to be exactly what it is great and know that if something

[00:22:09.12 -> 00:22:13.52] happens, like I would want whatever they want for their own lives and support them and

[00:22:13.52 -> 00:22:18.72] that they will work out for me. Instead, there's a temptation. I don't think a lot of us feel this

[00:22:18.72 -> 00:22:25.28] when there's this good, something's going great to spend time in the place just worrying about it.

[00:22:25.28 -> 00:22:29.68] That's negative. Going away. That's an narrative. That's all narrative based on something that may

[00:22:29.68 -> 00:22:33.92] have happened in the past. This is the doomsday scenario. Where I think we spoke about the

[00:22:33.92 -> 00:22:38.88] doomsday scenario the last time we spoke. I'm sure. The doomsday scenario comes online

[00:22:38.88 -> 00:22:43.96] And then you you live in the doomsday scenario instead of living in the actuality

[00:22:44.48 -> 00:22:49.24] So when I went to when I went to Tonga and jumped in the water with the humpback whales

[00:22:49.84 -> 00:22:53.90] Right I jumped in the water and the doomsday scenario started to come online

[00:22:53.90 -> 00:22:58.62] Oh my gosh, there's sea monsters in the water that sharks is all the stuff the waves

[00:22:58.62 -> 00:23:05.14] I wasn't I'm not gonna survive there's all these stories and then there was a point where I had to really get calm and be like

[00:23:05.14 -> 00:23:07.74] I'm fine right now.

[00:23:07.74 -> 00:23:08.82] This is what's going on.

[00:23:08.82 -> 00:23:09.82] The waves are this way.

[00:23:09.82 -> 00:23:14.38] I know how to articulate myself in the water and it changed everything.

[00:23:14.38 -> 00:23:18.22] But I had to be present and I had to get out of the narrative and feel the data of the

[00:23:18.22 -> 00:23:19.22] water.

[00:23:19.22 -> 00:23:21.62] Listen to what was going on around me.

[00:23:21.62 -> 00:23:24.10] Look and see where the boat was and where the other people were.

[00:23:24.10 -> 00:23:26.18] That is how things changed.

[00:23:26.18 -> 00:23:31.06] But when you are in narrative and you get lost in narrative, that pulls you out of the

[00:23:31.06 -> 00:23:32.58] whole present moment.

[00:23:32.58 -> 00:23:34.18] So that present is very important.

[00:23:34.18 -> 00:23:41.06] Okay. Okay. So if you've set your intention then on that you

[00:23:41.06 -> 00:23:43.30] want to have a different experience. What could you

[00:23:43.30 -> 00:23:46.18] do in your hand? Is there a third one? What do you want to know?

[00:23:46.74 -> 00:23:51.54] What do you want to do? Who do you want to be as a result of your

[00:23:51.54 -> 00:23:54.58] experience? And what do you want to understand? Those are the four

[00:23:54.58 -> 00:23:58.10] things for intentions that we I always work on. What do you want to

[00:23:58.10 -> 00:24:01.46] know? Right? So this is how you the questions to get to your

[00:24:01.46 -> 00:24:05.38] intention. Yeah, these, these are the questions that form your intention. Okay. So what do I

[00:24:05.38 -> 00:24:10.42] want to know? I want to know that this is going to be fine and I'm not going to be hurt.

[00:24:10.42 -> 00:24:14.66] It's going to be easy. It's going to be in flow. What do you want to do? I want to be in a wonderful

[00:24:14.66 -> 00:24:19.14] relationship. I want to be in pleasure. I want to go places that make me feel good and eat wonderful

[00:24:19.14 -> 00:24:23.78] food. This is what I want to do. Who do I want to be? I want to be a person who can live like this

[00:24:23.78 -> 00:24:29.46] all the time in the easy flow. What do I want to understand? I want to understand that I'm making

[00:24:29.46 -> 00:24:34.18] this happen. I want to understand that my environment and the people I live with are supportive

[00:24:34.18 -> 00:24:38.10] of me. My partner is supportive of me. So that's that I'm making things up right now.

[00:24:38.82 -> 00:24:44.34] So, but this is my zone. So I can I can spit these things out. It may take some time for you to

[00:24:44.34 -> 00:24:49.14] sit with that. What do I want to know? Who do I want to do? Who do I want to be? What do I want to

[00:24:49.14 -> 00:24:56.02] understand? Those are the four things that craft your intention. Okay. And then after you get

[00:24:56.02 -> 00:24:57.02] Get that crafted, what do you think?

[00:24:57.02 -> 00:24:59.86] After you get the intention, then you move into a strategy.

[00:24:59.86 -> 00:25:04.38] Now if your strategy is to go back to old narratives, that's a strategy that keeps you

[00:25:04.38 -> 00:25:05.38] stuck.

[00:25:05.38 -> 00:25:06.38] Right?

[00:25:06.38 -> 00:25:07.38] And this is part of having awareness.

[00:25:07.38 -> 00:25:10.02] Oh, I'm aware, here's my narrative coming online.

[00:25:10.02 -> 00:25:11.62] Oh, there's another narrative.

[00:25:11.62 -> 00:25:12.62] Oh, there's another narrative.

[00:25:12.62 -> 00:25:13.94] I'm still moving from narrative.

[00:25:13.94 -> 00:25:15.50] That's part of building awareness.

[00:25:15.50 -> 00:25:18.06] And you don't shame your old narratives.

[00:25:18.06 -> 00:25:19.18] You be aware of them.

[00:25:19.18 -> 00:25:22.18] And so this is something that this is a cyclical dynamic.

[00:25:22.18 -> 00:25:28.62] So you move from awareness to intention to strategy and you can go back to awareness and

[00:25:28.62 -> 00:25:31.94] rearticulate your intention and build a new strategy.

[00:25:31.94 -> 00:25:33.74] You can do that over and over again.

[00:25:33.74 -> 00:25:39.78] And so it's awareness, intention, strategy, then you take action on the strategy.

[00:25:39.78 -> 00:25:44.26] So I build a strategy where I want to be easy in my body, but I notice that these things

[00:25:44.26 -> 00:25:47.58] come up and I keep going back into my story and my narrative.

[00:25:47.58 -> 00:25:53.02] So my strategy is to call TAH and be like, hey, TAH, I got this thing coming up again.

[00:25:53.02 -> 00:25:55.68] You know, can you just encourage me to stay on track?

[00:25:55.68 -> 00:25:57.42] And I'll be like, you got it, girl.

[00:25:57.42 -> 00:25:59.48] Monday, Wednesday, Friday, do you want to voicemail?

[00:25:59.48 -> 00:26:01.26] Do you want to a video message?

[00:26:01.26 -> 00:26:02.26] What do you want?

[00:26:02.26 -> 00:26:03.26] Right?

[00:26:03.26 -> 00:26:07.86] And so what you do is you put that strategy into action and you have accountability.

[00:26:07.86 -> 00:26:08.86] Right?

[00:26:08.86 -> 00:26:10.42] Accountability is the last space.

[00:26:10.42 -> 00:26:13.70] You calling me and saying, hey, I need some accountability on this.

[00:26:13.70 -> 00:26:15.98] Helps me to swing you back around to your intention.

[00:26:15.98 -> 00:26:17.54] Hey, girl, you said that you wanted to do that.

[00:26:17.54 -> 00:26:19.50] do this, are you doing it?

[00:26:19.50 -> 00:26:22.30] And I'll check in on you every couple of weeks or whatever it is.

[00:26:22.30 -> 00:26:24.66] And that's a part of the coaching work that I do is

[00:26:24.66 -> 00:26:28.86] accountability is huge because people will say they want to do these things.

[00:26:28.86 -> 00:26:30.14] They have awareness about it.

[00:26:30.14 -> 00:26:32.10] They've set up a strategy and then they don't,

[00:26:32.10 -> 00:26:34.94] they take action once or twice and then they stop.

[00:26:34.94 -> 00:26:37.46] And then in order to build these things into your nervous system,

[00:26:37.46 -> 00:26:39.54] you have to be cyclical with it.

[00:26:39.54 -> 00:26:41.02] You have to do it repetitively.

[00:26:41.02 -> 00:26:44.30] And so accountability, building a structure of accountability,

[00:26:44.30 -> 00:26:47.06] if it's your girls, your home girls, your friends,

[00:26:47.06 -> 00:26:49.70] your spouse, whatever it is, they can keep you accountable

[00:26:49.70 -> 00:26:50.98] so that you stay doing it.

[00:26:52.18 -> 00:26:53.34] So those are the five things.

[00:26:53.34 -> 00:26:54.62] Well, because what I was thinking, you know,

[00:26:54.62 -> 00:26:57.94] one thing, thanks, zoom in out from this sort of way of doing it

[00:26:57.94 -> 00:27:02.94] just in my regular life is I've started to call to people,

[00:27:04.26 -> 00:27:06.34] like they're getting stressed out to to to to to say,

[00:27:06.34 -> 00:27:08.74] hey, and this is like going against the judgment thing

[00:27:08.74 -> 00:27:10.94] for a second, but like a strategy, I guess that I've been

[00:27:10.94 -> 00:27:15.46] employing for myself and to others is to just say to myself,

[00:27:15.46 -> 00:27:16.98] just let it be good.

[00:27:16.98 -> 00:27:19.66] Like, tell the people, let's just let it be good.

[00:27:19.66 -> 00:27:21.18] I don't have to plan for every,

[00:27:21.18 -> 00:27:23.70] it literally says our friend, Lily Shepherd,

[00:27:23.70 -> 00:27:25.90] says like, I'm not gonna plan for the worst case scenario.

[00:27:25.90 -> 00:27:27.74] I'm gonna plan for the best case scenario.

[00:27:27.74 -> 00:27:31.90] Like, let's just let it be good in this moment.

[00:27:31.90 -> 00:27:34.58] Like, we don't have to worry about forever.

[00:27:34.58 -> 00:27:35.86] We don't have to worry about all,

[00:27:35.86 -> 00:27:38.14] like, let's just let the thing be good.

[00:27:38.14 -> 00:27:40.58] But I think so many times,

[00:27:40.58 -> 00:27:44.50] so many of us are so worried about this other bad thing

[00:27:44.50 -> 00:27:49.02] happening this negative thing happened. This thing that will cause us to feel emotions

[00:27:49.02 -> 00:27:56.02] we don't want to feel. Happening that we keep out all the good and I was explaining it to

[00:27:56.02 -> 00:28:01.54] the script I was talking to. It's like, you know, one of the things about armor is man,

[00:28:01.54 -> 00:28:05.22] it can be really effective. That armor you've put up to not get hurt to survive what

[00:28:05.22 -> 00:28:12.74] you did, etc. It is really effective at keeping bats off out. It's also really effective

[00:28:12.74 -> 00:28:18.82] keeping the good stuff out too. And I've been going on that journey, you know, many years past

[00:28:18.82 -> 00:28:26.74] my divorce and mostly out of the woods on the big hard custody stuff. In learning too, this nuanced

[00:28:27.30 -> 00:28:40.98] piece that our ability to experience and truly revel in and be even overwhelmed with the good

[00:28:40.98 -> 00:28:45.98] requires our capacity, our bucket to be bigger to receive that.

[00:28:47.28 -> 00:28:49.82] And the way your bucket gets bigger to receive that kind

[00:28:49.82 -> 00:28:53.62] of good stuff is to also allow yourself to receive

[00:28:53.62 -> 00:28:55.46] the hard stuff, the difficult stuff.

[00:28:55.46 -> 00:28:56.74] And to sit in the middle of it.

[00:28:56.74 -> 00:29:00.26] And this is the gal from Condor who wrote the book

[00:29:01.66 -> 00:29:03.34] just recently.

[00:29:03.34 -> 00:29:04.18] Kimber.

[00:29:04.18 -> 00:29:05.02] Kimber.

[00:29:05.02 -> 00:29:06.38] Kimber actually.

[00:29:06.38 -> 00:29:08.02] Kimber Hardick, she just released her book.

[00:29:08.02 -> 00:29:08.86] Yeah, she just released her book.

[00:29:08.86 -> 00:29:10.10] So we're gonna go get a copy.

[00:29:10.10 -> 00:29:11.78] but put it in the show notes.

[00:29:11.78 -> 00:29:13.02] Yes.

[00:29:13.02 -> 00:29:15.06] And Kemper, I thought just the best I've ever heard

[00:29:15.06 -> 00:29:17.42] somebody explain, because they would tell me Hannah,

[00:29:17.42 -> 00:29:19.62] in well-meaning coaches have said stuff.

[00:29:19.62 -> 00:29:21.86] You have to receive good.

[00:29:21.86 -> 00:29:23.14] You have to also receive the bad.

[00:29:23.14 -> 00:29:24.62] And they would kind of just say the statement.

[00:29:24.62 -> 00:29:27.66] I'm like, I don't understand why.

[00:29:27.66 -> 00:29:29.58] And I remember Kemper talking about joy

[00:29:29.58 -> 00:29:31.46] as the mother of all emotions.

[00:29:31.46 -> 00:29:35.02] And she will not begin like the meal until every emotion

[00:29:35.02 -> 00:29:36.74] has a seat at the table.

[00:29:36.74 -> 00:29:38.66] And like, mm-hmm.

[00:29:38.66 -> 00:29:42.02] And so in my, I used to brag about, um, or bracker,

[00:29:42.02 -> 00:29:45.38] boast or whatever, how when I got divorced, I didn't even sit

[00:29:45.38 -> 00:29:46.34] and cry not one day.

[00:29:47.06 -> 00:29:48.90] Like that was a real big accomplishment.

[00:29:49.14 -> 00:29:53.94] Right. Um, and in my own way, it was my way, just like onward,

[00:29:54.14 -> 00:29:58.54] get, keep moving. Whatever. Now, as that played out over time, I

[00:29:58.54 -> 00:30:00.14] realized I didn't do the work.

[00:30:00.00 -> 00:30:04.08] work to heal. I also didn't do the work of expansion because the way I've started to

[00:30:04.08 -> 00:30:09.16] think about it is sort of like two sides. If you took a rubber band and pulled them apart.

[00:30:09.16 -> 00:30:11.92] And if you pulled the rubber band, I'm you do it. If you're listening, you're not

[00:30:11.92 -> 00:30:17.88] saying, I'm like pulling my fingers like you're pulling this rubber band. And they require

[00:30:17.88 -> 00:30:24.64] both to kind of move and that you can't experience the big joy, like unless you've experienced

[00:30:24.64 -> 00:30:29.76] the big pain. And they kind of like go together. It's a key stretch stretch your capacity

[00:30:29.76 -> 00:30:34.08] to perceive and embody both bikes,

[00:30:34.08 -> 00:30:35.92] experiencing both.

[00:30:35.92 -> 00:30:38.72] So the higher highs, the lower lows,

[00:30:38.72 -> 00:30:40.96] the lower lows, the higher highs.

[00:30:40.96 -> 00:30:43.36] So for me, what that looks up looks like

[00:30:44.40 -> 00:30:46.08] in a different way of saying what you're saying.

[00:30:46.08 -> 00:30:49.12] I guess my strategy is exposure.

[00:30:50.56 -> 00:30:53.92] Little, tiny drops of exposure,

[00:30:53.92 -> 00:30:54.88] one thing at a time.

[00:30:54.88 -> 00:30:59.88] And that's like when something feels yucky.

[00:31:01.92 -> 00:31:04.12] Old me, like Enneagram seven me,

[00:31:05.92 -> 00:31:08.12] Pollyanna positive me,

[00:31:08.12 -> 00:31:10.84] would just be like, oh man, yeah, I don't wanna think about that.

[00:31:10.84 -> 00:31:12.00] I don't wanna feel that way.

[00:31:12.00 -> 00:31:14.28] I'm just gonna keep on moving and keep on doing something else.

[00:31:15.36 -> 00:31:18.32] Versus now me that's sort of learned from Kimber and from you

[00:31:18.32 -> 00:31:22.04] and other people who've taught me is,

[00:31:22.04 -> 00:31:29.88] Hey, by bypassing the difficult parts, I'm short circuiting my future self-sability to experience

[00:31:29.88 -> 00:31:38.92] the really good stuff. And so, and I've tried lots of other ways to do this, but I've sort of learned

[00:31:38.92 -> 00:31:45.72] now as I'm 42 years old that there's no way out there's only through. Like you can't go over it,

[00:31:45.72 -> 00:31:49.08] can't go under it, can't go around, you gotta go through it.

[00:31:49.08 -> 00:31:51.96] It's something that I call full spectrum humanity.

[00:31:51.96 -> 00:31:52.60] Ooh, okay.

[00:31:52.60 -> 00:31:53.16] Say more.

[00:31:53.16 -> 00:31:57.40] Full spectrum humanity is the full experience of your humanness.

[00:31:57.72 -> 00:32:03.24] And I know I have been taught to only look for the good stuff, the positive stuff,

[00:32:03.24 -> 00:32:09.40] and to move away from even examining or exploring the things that have been unpleasant,

[00:32:09.40 -> 00:32:11.08] the things that have been bad, right?

[00:32:11.08 -> 00:32:12.68] Like, run away from that stuff.

[00:32:12.68 -> 00:32:17.08] These are all signals that are telling us to go in one direction or another.

[00:32:17.08 -> 00:32:22.84] If you feel unpleasant and you keep doing the same thing again, the unpleasantness is going to amplify.

[00:32:22.84 -> 00:32:27.00] And so that unpleasantness is telling you to move away from that. Get away from that. Go

[00:32:27.00 -> 00:32:32.84] any other direction. Go to the ease. And this is where I'm in my full spectrum humanity. When I

[00:32:32.84 -> 00:32:37.40] honor those signals, I don't run from them. I don't run from my anxiety and say that this is bad.

[00:32:37.40 -> 00:32:42.60] I'm going to medicate it away. It's telling me something. And so when I'm in my full spectrum

[00:32:42.60 -> 00:32:46.60] from humanity, I'm actually feeling all of the fields.

[00:32:46.60 -> 00:32:49.80] Not an unknown amount, not taking medications to blunt it,

[00:32:49.80 -> 00:32:53.72] not having people patronize me and tell me,

[00:32:53.72 -> 00:32:55.24] you're a good person.

[00:32:55.24 -> 00:32:58.84] These are all things that blunt all of the unpleasantness

[00:32:58.84 -> 00:33:03.44] that makes the pleasant stuff that much more brilliant.

[00:33:03.44 -> 00:33:07.36] So when we dull ourselves away from the unpleasant things

[00:33:07.36 -> 00:33:09.92] in life, we don't follow the signals that are driving us

[00:33:09.92 -> 00:33:12.48] and telling us to move in a particular direction,

[00:33:12.48 -> 00:33:15.48] If I'm sitting, I mean, you know, you work in divorce.

[00:33:15.48 -> 00:33:18.40] People will sit in their homes for years

[00:33:18.40 -> 00:33:21.56] until their death a lot of times in a relationship

[00:33:21.56 -> 00:33:22.92] that is not serving them.

[00:33:22.92 -> 00:33:25.68] Meanwhile, their signals have been on fire there a whole lot,

[00:33:25.68 -> 00:33:26.76] but they are not looking at it.

[00:33:26.76 -> 00:33:27.60] They're blunting it.

[00:33:27.60 -> 00:33:29.36] They're just staying, keep the bad stuff over there.

[00:33:29.36 -> 00:33:31.48] Don't be an unpleasant space.

[00:33:31.48 -> 00:33:33.56] You're going to make other people feel a certain way.

[00:33:33.56 -> 00:33:35.96] And the signals are telling you to get out.

[00:33:35.96 -> 00:33:38.44] The signals being your emotions, the way you feel,

[00:33:38.44 -> 00:33:39.88] the way your body reacts.

[00:33:39.88 -> 00:33:40.76] Yes.

[00:33:40.76 -> 00:33:43.76] the energetic signatures that come in with somebody walks in a room and you're like,

[00:33:43.76 -> 00:33:44.76] oh, gosh.

[00:33:45.96 -> 00:33:48.96] Yeah, but you know, that's not your feelings.

[00:33:48.96 -> 00:33:51.36] These, this is part of your full spectrum humanity.

[00:33:51.76 -> 00:33:55.46] And if we are only looking for the pleasantness and we don't observe the

[00:33:55.46 -> 00:33:57.96] unpleasantness and what it's showing us, then we won't follow it.

[00:33:58.56 -> 00:34:01.86] And then we look to outside sources to remedy that for us.

[00:34:02.16 -> 00:34:05.36] This is one of the reasons why as a nurse, and I'm speaking as a nurse,

[00:34:05.66 -> 00:34:10.16] why people are so heavily medicated in our world is because they will not look at their feelings.

[00:34:10.16 -> 00:34:11.84] They won't look at their feelings.

[00:34:11.84 -> 00:34:14.60] They won't explore the tough conversations.

[00:34:14.60 -> 00:34:16.40] They won't get away from the people who work

[00:34:16.40 -> 00:34:18.88] who are sitting here nervous systems on fire.

[00:34:18.88 -> 00:34:21.12] They medicate themselves away.

[00:34:21.12 -> 00:34:22.64] They don't have solid strategies.

[00:34:22.64 -> 00:34:25.76] And that's part of the dynamic that is not taught.

[00:34:25.76 -> 00:34:28.12] It's feel this way, don't feel this way.

[00:34:28.12 -> 00:34:29.52] Do this thing, don't do this thing.

[00:34:29.52 -> 00:34:32.56] But there's no real strategy for people moving

[00:34:32.56 -> 00:34:34.20] with their emotions.

[00:34:34.20 -> 00:34:36.64] And so people aren't really aware of everything

[00:34:36.64 -> 00:34:37.48] that's going on.

[00:34:37.48 -> 00:34:39.04] They just know that it's unpleasant.

[00:34:39.04 -> 00:34:41.76] They haven't made an intention of what to do with this.

[00:34:41.76 -> 00:34:42.64] They haven't slowed down.

[00:34:42.64 -> 00:34:43.80] They haven't been able to slow down.

[00:34:43.80 -> 00:34:45.20] Maybe they feel threatened to the point

[00:34:45.20 -> 00:34:46.72] where they can't even think straight.

[00:34:46.72 -> 00:34:47.80] When you can't think straight,

[00:34:47.80 -> 00:34:50.44] you outsource your authority to other people,

[00:34:50.44 -> 00:34:52.76] to other systems, to religions,

[00:34:52.76 -> 00:34:56.12] to governments, to family members, to spouses,

[00:34:56.12 -> 00:34:58.04] whatever, you outsource.

[00:34:58.04 -> 00:35:00.36] And so you can't have a solid strategy

[00:35:00.36 -> 00:35:03.28] because somebody else is making a strategy for you.

[00:35:03.28 -> 00:35:07.36] And so once you are able to get into a space that's calm,

[00:35:07.36 -> 00:35:11.04] that's cooler, that you have some support around you,

[00:35:11.04 -> 00:35:13.40] then you get into the space of awareness.

[00:35:13.40 -> 00:35:15.72] You set an intention, you create a strategy,

[00:35:15.72 -> 00:35:18.40] a solid strategy, you put it into action

[00:35:18.40 -> 00:35:20.04] and you have accountability structures

[00:35:20.04 -> 00:35:22.56] built into your strategy so that you can keep swinging

[00:35:22.56 -> 00:35:23.92] yourself back around.

[00:35:23.92 -> 00:35:25.32] Well, and can we talk a little bit?

[00:35:25.32 -> 00:35:26.84] I'm thinking about just, you know,

[00:35:26.84 -> 00:35:29.68] action will take away for people listening.

[00:35:29.68 -> 00:35:31.44] Maybe they're at the point where like,

[00:35:31.44 -> 00:35:34.04] okay, yeah, I'm on the other side of this.

[00:35:34.04 -> 00:35:35.80] I'm not in the dick of it.

[00:35:35.80 -> 00:35:40.80] And full spectrum humanity, like, I don't know many people

[00:35:42.10 -> 00:35:44.52] live in full spectrum humanity, that's for sure.

[00:35:44.52 -> 00:35:48.86] So I think, is like, yes, that sounds maybe good, I think.

[00:35:49.88 -> 00:35:54.88] But for the uninitiated into that way of living,

[00:35:55.00 -> 00:35:58.20] what are some strategies that we could do

[00:35:59.64 -> 00:36:03.80] to allow that part, that full spectrum humanity

[00:36:03.80 -> 00:36:08.80] to begin to come online with the idea that that's the way

[00:36:09.16 -> 00:36:10.72] to experience more of the good stuff

[00:36:10.72 -> 00:36:13.12] that are pleasure, experience more pleasure,

[00:36:13.12 -> 00:36:16.56] enjoyment, joy, fulfillment, right?

[00:36:16.56 -> 00:36:19.00] What are some strategies that we could do

[00:36:20.20 -> 00:36:25.20] that won't or might not completely overwhelm our nervous

[00:36:25.20 -> 00:36:28.08] systems to just like bail, get into fight or fight and run?

[00:36:28.08 -> 00:36:30.32] Yeah, the first thing I would say is to find people

[00:36:30.32 -> 00:36:33.76] that you can rock with, people that can really hold you

[00:36:33.76 -> 00:36:40.26] And not people that are trying to change you and our people that are here to tell you what's good or bad people that can really rock with you

[00:36:40.26 -> 00:36:45.18] And this starts off with honesty if I can beat like and I can tell you anything

[00:36:45.46 -> 00:36:49.48] Right I can come I can call you up in the middle of the line be like, hey, I know I could be

[00:36:49.48 -> 00:36:53.04] Yeah, and same thing with you you could call me up and and I'm not gonna judge you

[00:36:53.04 -> 00:36:57.66] I'm not gonna be like you should do this and that and blah blah and this person's a bad person

[00:36:57.66 -> 00:37:02.58] I'm gonna sit and I'm gonna listen to you and I'm be able to hold that container and then I'll wait and

[00:37:02.58 -> 00:37:05.38] And I'll ask you what do you want to do about it?

[00:37:05.38 -> 00:37:07.22] Now did you have all this awareness of what's going on?

[00:37:07.22 -> 00:37:08.78] What do you want to do about it?

[00:37:08.78 -> 00:37:10.34] That's what I want to ask my people.

[00:37:10.34 -> 00:37:12.42] That's what I want my people to ask me.

[00:37:12.42 -> 00:37:19.06] And as a person who hated himself relentlessly and lied about just about everything you

[00:37:19.06 -> 00:37:25.18] could possibly imagine, the one thing that has set my soul free is to be honest.

[00:37:25.18 -> 00:37:28.70] And if you're not being honest with yourself, how can you be honest with the people around

[00:37:28.70 -> 00:37:29.86] you?

[00:37:29.86 -> 00:37:31.46] That's the number one thing.

[00:37:31.46 -> 00:37:36.58] the first movement that I would invite everybody who's listening, watching who's part

[00:37:36.58 -> 00:37:40.92] of this conversation right now is how honest are you being with yourself and how and are

[00:37:40.92 -> 00:37:43.38] the people that you're involved with?

[00:37:43.38 -> 00:37:45.46] Are they able to hold your honesty?

[00:37:45.46 -> 00:37:49.74] And are they able to reflect that with an honest reflection and are you able to hold that

[00:37:49.74 -> 00:37:54.50] reflection and the reflection of how they see you?

[00:37:54.50 -> 00:37:56.10] It's a projection, right?

[00:37:56.10 -> 00:37:57.86] Because they may be seeing something that you're not.

[00:37:57.86 -> 00:38:01.26] It's not something that you have to take personally, but this is where you can get into

[00:38:01.26 -> 00:38:03.54] into the grit and grime of all the stuff

[00:38:03.54 -> 00:38:07.02] and into the wonders and the exuberance of all the stuff.

[00:38:07.02 -> 00:38:09.18] You can get into all of it with these people.

[00:38:09.18 -> 00:38:13.46] And one of the, the next thing after the honesty

[00:38:13.46 -> 00:38:15.74] would be to let go of the idea of having to have

[00:38:15.74 -> 00:38:18.86] a huge crowd of people that is your circle.

[00:38:18.86 -> 00:38:20.38] It's not gonna happen.

[00:38:20.38 -> 00:38:24.30] There's, you are a very boutique person as am I, right?

[00:38:24.30 -> 00:38:25.74] And I can be for everybody,

[00:38:25.74 -> 00:38:27.18] but everybody ain't gonna be for me.

[00:38:27.18 -> 00:38:29.02] Everybody can't hold my container.

[00:38:29.02 -> 00:38:31.56] Like I have conversations like you can reconvolley.

[00:38:31.56 -> 00:38:32.74] Sometimes I'll talk to people

[00:38:32.74 -> 00:38:35.22] and they look at me like they're like my heads off.

[00:38:35.22 -> 00:38:36.74] They can't land with me.

[00:38:36.74 -> 00:38:40.18] And so it's challenging for me to be my full open self

[00:38:40.18 -> 00:38:42.66] with them because they can't actually receive it in here.

[00:38:42.66 -> 00:38:44.78] Cause they don't have the bandwidth or maybe they're

[00:38:44.78 -> 00:38:45.86] in trauma responses.

[00:38:45.86 -> 00:38:46.90] Well, I don't know.

[00:38:46.90 -> 00:38:48.90] And so being able to align with people

[00:38:48.90 -> 00:38:52.34] who can really go deep with you is a really important space

[00:38:52.34 -> 00:38:56.42] to be honest and to be able to hold space for each other.

[00:38:56.42 -> 00:38:58.50] So those, that would be the number one thing

[00:38:58.50 -> 00:39:01.10] that I would have is, who are your folks?

[00:39:01.10 -> 00:39:03.74] Who are your close knit folks and make your circle

[00:39:03.74 -> 00:39:06.42] a little smaller if you have people in your circle

[00:39:06.42 -> 00:39:09.34] that are judging, that are pointing fingers,

[00:39:09.34 -> 00:39:11.54] that are seeing your ex-husband is a asshole

[00:39:11.54 -> 00:39:12.86] and stuff like that.

[00:39:12.86 -> 00:39:14.22] They're fueling the fire.

[00:39:15.82 -> 00:39:20.82] I'm working with, well, I worked with a couple

[00:39:21.34 -> 00:39:26.34] that split up and they have, one of the partners

[00:39:26.34 -> 00:39:30.94] one of the one of the partners went in a massed some people and they're

[00:39:30.96 -> 00:39:36.06] defaming the other partner. Right. And it's just this whole victim dynamic.

[00:39:36.10 -> 00:39:40.84] And that person is being fueled off of it. And it's just causing calamity.

[00:39:40.90 -> 00:39:43.34] And those people are not being supportive of that person.

[00:39:43.58 -> 00:39:47.50] They're fueling them and staying in this ease instead of helping them heal.

[00:39:47.90 -> 00:39:51.18] And that's part of the place I would start.

[00:39:51.18 -> 00:39:57.78] Well, yeah, and I think, you know, I remember myself back when I was in the middle of the divorce, right?

[00:39:57.78 -> 00:39:59.78] Like, and, you know,

[00:40:00.00 -> 00:40:04.96] kind of change, I think we're talking about. I always say change requires context. And what I mean

[00:40:04.96 -> 00:40:11.36] by that is real and lasting change really sticks, I think, when there are other people, you know,

[00:40:11.36 -> 00:40:16.96] or with you in it, I mean, what feels better than like a conversation where you're seeing

[00:40:16.96 -> 00:40:22.00] and heard by a real friend, but there's not much better in this world than that. So, you know,

[00:40:22.00 -> 00:40:27.52] to expand our capacity to receive more of what we want and like get comfortable with that,

[00:40:27.52 -> 00:40:35.52] I think, yes, narrowing your circle and doing so with people who can meet you where you are.

[00:40:35.52 -> 00:40:40.00] And I think you're right, like we talked about that last season about the honesty component

[00:40:40.00 -> 00:40:42.96] because we're not ever going to find our people y'all.

[00:40:44.16 -> 00:40:49.76] If we continue to be a pretend version of us and then their pretend version of them is online

[00:40:49.76 -> 00:40:53.44] and your pretend version of you is online and you're basically playing a video game is like you're

[00:40:53.44 -> 00:40:57.28] playing Call of Duty and like the real person's back here and then we're just playing this

[00:40:57.28 -> 00:40:59.84] video game or whatever.

[00:40:59.84 -> 00:41:08.92] And it takes to me a recognition of your worth as a person to start there because to say

[00:41:08.92 -> 00:41:11.96] I'm willing to be honest and show up as I am.

[00:41:11.96 -> 00:41:18.72] I think has inherently in it this claim that I'm okay with me.

[00:41:18.72 -> 00:41:22.34] This me is worth taking up the space of honesty.

[00:41:22.34 -> 00:41:24.34] And like I'm also willing to do that

[00:41:24.34 -> 00:41:25.94] and accept the consequences.

[00:41:25.94 -> 00:41:27.22] Because when I was being honest,

[00:41:27.22 -> 00:41:28.30] when you are honest,

[00:41:28.30 -> 00:41:31.46] you may find these people that had been in your life,

[00:41:31.46 -> 00:41:32.30] they're gone.

[00:41:32.30 -> 00:41:34.46] Like a lot of people experienced that in divorce

[00:41:34.46 -> 00:41:36.66] when some new circumstances arise

[00:41:36.66 -> 00:41:38.98] and people you would have thought are super close to you.

[00:41:38.98 -> 00:41:41.86] They go the other way in the divorce.

[00:41:41.86 -> 00:41:44.78] So here for somebody who wanna expand,

[00:41:44.78 -> 00:41:48.02] expand their ability to receive, I guess essentially.

[00:41:48.02 -> 00:41:51.78] So getting in a new, in a new context with new folks,

[00:41:51.78 -> 00:41:55.46] that may bring you down to a, a sum total of you yourself

[00:41:55.46 -> 00:41:57.58] and I mean, you may look, yeah.

[00:41:57.58 -> 00:41:59.22] Yeah, you may look around and be like,

[00:41:59.22 -> 00:42:00.42] I don't have those people.

[00:42:00.42 -> 00:42:04.62] I know for me, when I, you know,

[00:42:04.62 -> 00:42:07.02] look at different landmarks in my life

[00:42:07.02 -> 00:42:09.98] and big transitional phases.

[00:42:09.98 -> 00:42:11.82] One thing, the story, the pattern,

[00:42:11.82 -> 00:42:13.62] the narrative I would lay on top of my experience

[00:42:13.62 -> 00:42:15.14] would be that I always ended up alone.

[00:42:16.14 -> 00:42:17.70] That I would go through these iterations

[00:42:17.70 -> 00:42:22.26] I've always been growing in change and always will until I'm dead.

[00:42:22.26 -> 00:42:28.58] That means now I see them as seasons where people are in your life for a season and maybe

[00:42:28.58 -> 00:42:32.58] they're not for whatever reason, but I would find myself sort of back at square one.

[00:42:32.58 -> 00:42:33.58] I'll over again.

[00:42:33.58 -> 00:42:35.86] That was certainly true after my divorce.

[00:42:35.86 -> 00:42:42.38] Then even later in own in a business and then the relief when you find people who understand

[00:42:42.38 -> 00:42:44.38] your new face and where you are.

[00:42:44.38 -> 00:42:51.66] that looks in reality y'all like like people who you know who immul- model the traits you want to

[00:42:51.66 -> 00:42:55.90] see like be like I guess yes they'll see you and they're here you but we're the sum total of the

[00:42:55.90 -> 00:42:59.58] five people we hang around and if the person you're hanging around is all they want to do is talk

[00:42:59.58 -> 00:43:04.54] shit about your ex of the latest drama or whatever you know maybe not well do you have another

[00:43:04.54 -> 00:43:10.94] thought of what after you get the context right what you do next well it's not having the context

[00:43:10.94 -> 00:43:12.86] right. It's having a context. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:43:12.86 -> 00:43:16.54] Right. And allowing that context to mutate. And this is the next thing would be to allow yourself

[00:43:16.54 -> 00:43:23.42] to be messy. Allow yourself to be messy. The people who can rock with you will love you in your mess.

[00:43:24.54 -> 00:43:29.74] The husband that can rock with you, Drew Bell loves you in your mess, doesn't he? Right. And so

[00:43:29.74 -> 00:43:33.82] the person that loves you in your mess, those are the people that can rock with you. But if you

[00:43:33.82 -> 00:43:39.10] have to be lean cut all the time, if you have to speak proper grammar all the time, if you can't

[00:43:39.10 -> 00:43:44.70] trip and sound ghetto once in a while. That's not your folks. If they walk away from you,

[00:43:44.70 -> 00:43:49.50] or if they cringe when you're, if you're with me and you can show up any way you want, girl,

[00:43:49.50 -> 00:43:53.34] I'm gonna walk next to you. And it's not gonna be a flange. It's not gonna be like, oh man,

[00:43:53.34 -> 00:43:58.30] hand is acting this way. I'm embarrassed. You could never embarrass me because I love you in your

[00:43:58.30 -> 00:44:02.70] mess. I love you in your pristine cleanness. I love you in all of it. And that's where your people

[00:44:02.70 -> 00:44:09.02] going to be. Now I model that all the time. I think a lot of people talk like they don't,

[00:44:09.02 -> 00:44:13.74] I don't think they would believe that that's possible. That's part of the newness. They're

[00:44:13.74 -> 00:44:18.30] familiar with the old stuffs that I go, like I feel like I want to cry. Like I can feel that

[00:44:18.30 -> 00:44:25.26] feelings of somebody is listening feeling like I never ever experienced. I'm not saying this for

[00:44:25.26 -> 00:44:30.54] myself, but there's some people listening. Someone who would just look at me and my mess and say,

[00:44:30.54 -> 00:44:33.66] I got you. What I showed up as a mess he walked out.

[00:44:35.50 -> 00:44:39.50] How do they, how do they believe what you're saying?

[00:44:40.06 -> 00:44:43.66] They don't have to believe what I'm saying. They have to experience it. And that's part of

[00:44:43.66 -> 00:44:48.14] stepping into a brave new world is courage. That would be the next thing that I would say,

[00:44:48.14 -> 00:44:53.02] being messy requires courage. Yeah. You have to be courageous enough to step in and be the

[00:44:53.02 -> 00:44:58.78] outlier. When you're the outlier, the people that can see you will see you. If I walk into

[00:44:58.78 -> 00:45:04.86] a football stadium. And I say, somebody helped me. I'm here to help people. People are going

[00:45:04.86 -> 00:45:10.02] to, yeah. And if I say, I'm here to help people with red hats and purple shoes on the

[00:45:10.02 -> 00:45:14.70] person with the red hats and purple shoes is going to come over to me because I'm speaking

[00:45:14.70 -> 00:45:18.98] directly to them. So when somebody can see me in my mess and they're familiar with what

[00:45:18.98 -> 00:45:23.90] it's like to be courageous in their mess, they are going to gravitate right to me. And

[00:45:23.90 -> 00:45:28.70] that's how you find your people by being in your uneness in your full spectrum humanity.

[00:45:28.70 -> 00:45:36.42] The people that are only myopic that are very pristine or they are very articulate or they're very and they can only be in that space

[00:45:36.42 -> 00:45:42.86] They will attract those types of people and it will exclude everything else. I mean I can say for my own experience as

[00:45:43.98 -> 00:45:49.50] I started to pull more of my full self online for me

[00:45:50.42 -> 00:45:53.46] It has attracted a lot more of

[00:45:54.18 -> 00:45:57.86] What I would call the good stuff in and a lot more

[00:45:58.70 -> 00:46:08.70] because I would have said that like when you if you would have told me that 10 years, 15 years ago about people who accept me and my mess, I'd have been like, yeah, right.

[00:46:08.70 -> 00:46:18.70] I would have really thought like that is not going to happen because I wasn't even one 10th of one percent of my full self out and didn't have any experience in that now.

[00:46:18.70 -> 00:46:19.70] As time went on.

[00:46:19.70 -> 00:46:21.54] I don't know if it was a choice,

[00:46:21.54 -> 00:46:23.18] whereas much is just like I couldn't be any other

[00:46:23.18 -> 00:46:24.54] certain kind of way.

[00:46:24.54 -> 00:46:27.22] But as I started to do that,

[00:46:27.22 -> 00:46:29.18] I did find myself all, it's like,

[00:46:29.18 -> 00:46:31.50] it requires I think to talk a little bit

[00:46:31.50 -> 00:46:34.18] of a trust component, which courage has trust, right?

[00:46:34.18 -> 00:46:37.86] A bit of a trust component that somehow,

[00:46:37.86 -> 00:46:39.66] this is gonna turn out.

[00:46:39.66 -> 00:46:44.74] And this trust that when you are more of you,

[00:46:44.74 -> 00:46:48.98] you will be like a magnet for the things that align

[00:46:48.98 -> 00:46:56.42] with that more of you version. So as I have chipped away and shed those parts that really

[00:46:56.42 -> 00:47:01.06] weren't me, where I was being performative and I was trying to fit them old and be, I don't

[00:47:01.06 -> 00:47:05.54] know, who everybody else wanted me to be. As I've been shedding and there's still more to go,

[00:47:06.18 -> 00:47:11.94] I definitely find myself in relationship with people like you and friends and opportunities coming

[00:47:11.94 -> 00:47:17.22] to me. So it's like a little bit, the courage component, I guess, is stepping out in trust and faith

[00:47:17.22 -> 00:47:22.18] that as I do this based on the wisdom of some people they're listening to on a podcast

[00:47:22.18 -> 00:47:26.66] who've done it and other people doing it that it's all going to work out because it's like

[00:47:26.66 -> 00:47:32.98] think about the people that we all know right that we're drawn to and it's like and you can just

[00:47:32.98 -> 00:47:37.70] go on Instagram and see this right it's like people it I mean there's all kinds of different

[00:47:37.70 -> 00:47:42.18] kinds but like you we're drawn to as people those authentic people where you can just feel they

[00:47:42.18 -> 00:47:43.18] They are themselves.

[00:47:43.18 -> 00:47:44.98] It's like, they fly their own flag.

[00:47:44.98 -> 00:47:46.58] You know, they're, you do, you boo.

[00:47:46.58 -> 00:47:48.94] We're at like kind of an attitude.

[00:47:48.94 -> 00:47:54.14] And even if it's not necessarily my cup of tea, their way is not maybe I don't want

[00:47:54.14 -> 00:47:55.14] to be one of their core people.

[00:47:55.14 -> 00:47:56.38] I just not quite right.

[00:47:56.38 -> 00:47:59.26] But I'm also like, hey, love, love that.

[00:47:59.26 -> 00:48:03.54] I love seeing a person turned on in their fullness.

[00:48:03.54 -> 00:48:05.38] So I guess that that's the courageous part.

[00:48:05.38 -> 00:48:10.22] It's just trust us like in doing that, it's gonna start to work.

[00:48:10.22 -> 00:48:12.22] You have to get familiar with the unknown.

[00:48:12.22 -> 00:48:13.22] Yeah.

[00:48:13.22 -> 00:48:14.22] And that's part of it.

[00:48:14.22 -> 00:48:16.22] You said that it's all going to work out.

[00:48:16.22 -> 00:48:17.22] Right?

[00:48:17.22 -> 00:48:18.22] It's all good.

[00:48:18.22 -> 00:48:19.22] You trust that it's all going to work out.

[00:48:19.22 -> 00:48:21.22] It's going to unravel one way or the other.

[00:48:21.22 -> 00:48:23.22] You can say that it's good or that it's bad.

[00:48:23.22 -> 00:48:24.22] We're here.

[00:48:24.22 -> 00:48:25.22] Right?

[00:48:25.22 -> 00:48:29.62] Everything in your life, Hannah, everything that happened in your life, all the great stuff,

[00:48:29.62 -> 00:48:33.22] all the shitty stuff, got you to a point where you and I met.

[00:48:33.22 -> 00:48:36.74] And if you didn't experience all that shitty stuff along with the good stuff, we would

[00:48:36.74 -> 00:48:37.74] not have met.

[00:48:37.74 -> 00:48:38.74] Of course.

[00:48:38.74 -> 00:48:41.54] sharing this with all these amazing people that are watching right now.

[00:48:41.54 -> 00:48:44.02] And so can you be grateful for the mess?

[00:48:44.02 -> 00:48:44.86] 100%.

[00:48:44.86 -> 00:48:48.30] Right. So this is the thing is people don't recognize that they can be grateful for

[00:48:48.30 -> 00:48:50.70] the mess because the mess is taking you somewhere.

[00:48:50.70 -> 00:48:52.18] Now you can influence the mess.

[00:48:52.18 -> 00:48:53.02] You can control it.

[00:48:53.02 -> 00:48:54.74] You can influence the mess.

[00:48:54.74 -> 00:48:56.70] How much are you influencing the mess?

[00:48:56.70 -> 00:49:01.02] How much are you strategizing to influence the mess based on what you've learned?

[00:49:01.02 -> 00:49:03.66] Well, you can stay shame in the mess and say in the mess is terrible.

[00:49:03.66 -> 00:49:05.18] More bad stuff's going to happen.

[00:49:05.18 -> 00:49:08.26] how you can lean into the mess

[00:49:08.26 -> 00:49:10.38] and make it something entirely new,

[00:49:10.38 -> 00:49:13.26] allow it to be new, allow it to unravel.

[00:49:13.26 -> 00:49:16.66] But if we have this grip, this vice grip

[00:49:16.66 -> 00:49:19.42] on having to have something look a certain way,

[00:49:19.42 -> 00:49:22.14] that's control, it's an illusion.

[00:49:22.14 -> 00:49:24.38] And that's gonna keep giving us distress.

[00:49:24.38 -> 00:49:26.86] We can relax and just let it be, right?

[00:49:26.86 -> 00:49:29.86] With per words, with the let it be, right?

[00:49:29.86 -> 00:49:32.94] It doesn't have to let it be good, let it be.

[00:49:32.94 -> 00:49:34.26] Let it be what it is.

[00:49:34.26 -> 00:49:37.18] And then what am I going to do with what's in front of me?

[00:49:37.18 -> 00:49:38.98] If I don't like it, how do I change it?

[00:49:38.98 -> 00:49:40.06] How do I morph it?

[00:49:40.06 -> 00:49:41.98] If we don't like something, Hannah,

[00:49:41.98 -> 00:49:43.30] we can change it together.

[00:49:44.22 -> 00:49:46.50] But if I rely on you to do all the work,

[00:49:46.50 -> 00:49:48.22] then I'm not participating.

[00:49:48.22 -> 00:49:49.50] If I don't talk to you about it,

[00:49:49.50 -> 00:49:50.78] then I'm not participating.

[00:49:50.78 -> 00:49:52.86] And then we have this tension between us

[00:49:52.86 -> 00:49:54.82] because something's not being said.

[00:49:54.82 -> 00:49:56.22] So we talk about it together,

[00:49:56.22 -> 00:49:59.58] we collaborate and we create something together.

[00:49:59.58 -> 00:50:00.30] There's not on the f-

[00:50:00.00 -> 00:50:03.84] There's not enough collaboration happening from my vantage point in this world.

[00:50:03.84 -> 00:50:07.52] And I don't like to speak in deficit spaces, but there's not enough collaboration happening

[00:50:07.52 -> 00:50:08.92] on really honest levels.

[00:50:08.92 -> 00:50:13.04] And when we can get to these really honest levels, we can let things unravel.

[00:50:13.04 -> 00:50:17.04] And if we say, I don't like how that goes, let's strategize on how to change it y'all.

[00:50:17.04 -> 00:50:19.36] And we strategize and we change it together.

[00:50:19.36 -> 00:50:24.04] This is what's not happening in relationships with married people is they're not strategizing

[00:50:24.04 -> 00:50:25.04] together.

[00:50:25.04 -> 00:50:28.52] One person strategizing over here, another person strategizing over there in the shadows

[00:50:28.52 -> 00:50:33.60] in the dark, scheme in all of the stuff. And then we bump heads because we don't have values

[00:50:33.60 -> 00:50:40.56] that overlap. We have to have our values in alignment. Otherwise, we don't have a context

[00:50:40.56 -> 00:50:45.32] that shared. We're going to bump heads and we have conflict. Then people get divorced and

[00:50:45.32 -> 00:50:49.88] people split up. But you and I, we could talk about anything, Hannah, is nothing that

[00:50:49.88 -> 00:50:54.56] I couldn't talk to you about or drew. And I'm sure Cole could we talk to you about anything.

[00:50:54.56 -> 00:50:56.92] There's nothing that I couldn't share with you.

[00:50:56.92 -> 00:51:00.24] I could share with you my deepest, darkest shit.

[00:51:00.24 -> 00:51:02.08] And I know you wouldn't flinch.

[00:51:02.08 -> 00:51:02.92] Yeah.

[00:51:02.92 -> 00:51:04.64] That's who I rock with.

[00:51:04.64 -> 00:51:08.40] This is not just something that is a result of us working together.

[00:51:08.40 -> 00:51:09.24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:51:09.24 -> 00:51:10.08] You know what I mean?

[00:51:10.08 -> 00:51:13.72] There's a connection here that we have where we can actually walk.

[00:51:13.72 -> 00:51:14.96] You can call me from Spain.

[00:51:14.96 -> 00:51:16.32] When I moved to Spain, you can call me like,

[00:51:16.32 -> 00:51:17.24] I got this going on.

[00:51:17.24 -> 00:51:19.00] What's up, girl?

[00:51:19.00 -> 00:51:21.28] That's the kind of connection I want in my life.

[00:51:21.28 -> 00:51:25.00] So we have to be able to open up to allow that in.

[00:51:25.00 -> 00:51:26.80] What I think that, you know,

[00:51:28.00 -> 00:51:31.32] had that shown up in my life 10 years prior,

[00:51:31.32 -> 00:51:35.04] I, you know, I don't know that I would have been ready, right?

[00:51:35.04 -> 00:51:36.40] Because I don't know.

[00:51:36.40 -> 00:51:40.20] I can't go back, but I'm really ruminating on what you said

[00:51:40.20 -> 00:51:45.20] about, yeah, I think finding those people,

[00:51:46.00 -> 00:51:49.00] I think, yeah, being courageous and willing to do that.

[00:51:49.00 -> 00:51:54.00] I think you're a reminder to us, my phrase, let it be good.

[00:51:55.04 -> 00:51:57.28] You know, perhaps it's time to lop off a word.

[00:51:57.28 -> 00:51:58.48] It's just like let it be.

[00:51:58.48 -> 00:51:59.32] Cause you're right.

[00:51:59.32 -> 00:52:01.60] I already know that every,

[00:52:01.60 -> 00:52:04.16] I believe all things work for good for those called

[00:52:04.16 -> 00:52:05.00] according to it.

[00:52:05.00 -> 00:52:06.68] Like that Bible verses down in my bones.

[00:52:06.68 -> 00:52:08.00] Like all things work for good.

[00:52:08.00 -> 00:52:10.52] So the worst of the worst of the moments,

[00:52:10.52 -> 00:52:11.48] I believe where there's life,

[00:52:11.48 -> 00:52:12.64] there's hope and they come together.

[00:52:12.64 -> 00:52:15.72] So yeah, they were a bad at the time.

[00:52:15.72 -> 00:52:17.88] I'm so grateful for everything that happened.

[00:52:17.88 -> 00:52:20.44] because it had to go in just such a way.

[00:52:20.44 -> 00:52:22.32] I wouldn't have got just such lessons

[00:52:22.32 -> 00:52:23.72] and turned into just such a,

[00:52:23.72 -> 00:52:24.88] the person that I am now.

[00:52:24.88 -> 00:52:27.20] So even though I felt bad at the time

[00:52:27.20 -> 00:52:30.00] and the greater Zoom out arc,

[00:52:30.00 -> 00:52:31.84] it was the best thing that could happen to me.

[00:52:31.84 -> 00:52:34.04] And I've also lived long enough to know

[00:52:34.04 -> 00:52:35.72] that the things we thought were good,

[00:52:35.72 -> 00:52:37.92] later it can play out not to be.

[00:52:37.92 -> 00:52:40.32] So I guess it's a little bit more of a Zoom out acceptance

[00:52:40.32 -> 00:52:44.20] of it just is and to be in the present moment

[00:52:44.20 -> 00:52:47.20] and experience that as it is.

[00:52:47.20 -> 00:52:49.74] And that's where you're talking about, I think, the data.

[00:52:49.74 -> 00:52:51.42] Like, as I'm experienced this moment right now,

[00:52:51.42 -> 00:52:53.16] how do I feel?

[00:52:53.16 -> 00:52:55.34] And letting that data informally, you know?

[00:52:55.34 -> 00:52:56.98] I'd like to film more ways like this.

[00:52:56.98 -> 00:52:58.86] So whenever I could get myself in more situations

[00:52:58.86 -> 00:53:01.14] where I feel like that, that would be my strategy.

[00:53:01.14 -> 00:53:06.14] And I guess those words and names are brain to me,

[00:53:09.78 -> 00:53:11.52] I can talk about my own self, I guess,

[00:53:11.52 -> 00:53:15.58] attempt to control and make safe even now.

[00:53:15.58 -> 00:53:21.34] If I claim this thing as good, then I can also get on the other point where I'm like,

[00:53:21.34 -> 00:53:22.34] oh, this is good.

[00:53:22.34 -> 00:53:24.04] I can let my guard down for a second.

[00:53:24.04 -> 00:53:25.04] So I have an invitation.

[00:53:25.04 -> 00:53:26.04] Okay.

[00:53:26.04 -> 00:53:28.78] So are you familiar with the phrase, it's all good?

[00:53:28.78 -> 00:53:29.78] Yeah, sure.

[00:53:29.78 -> 00:53:30.78] So it's all good.

[00:53:30.78 -> 00:53:33.08] There's no opposite to good.

[00:53:33.08 -> 00:53:35.94] The idea that bad is the opposite of good is an idea.

[00:53:35.94 -> 00:53:37.02] It's all good.

[00:53:37.02 -> 00:53:38.46] All of it is good.

[00:53:38.46 -> 00:53:43.10] And so when you see somebody falling on the ground and getting injured, it's all good.

[00:53:43.10 -> 00:53:44.90] It's going to lead to something else.

[00:53:44.90 -> 00:53:46.82] And that's the greater good.

[00:53:46.82 -> 00:53:49.94] But if you make it the polar opposite of bad,

[00:53:49.94 -> 00:53:53.06] then you create a dynamic where you're having polarity.

[00:53:53.06 -> 00:53:55.70] But if it's all good, it's all inclusive.

[00:53:55.70 -> 00:53:57.94] And that's where you have full spectrum humanity.

[00:53:57.94 -> 00:53:59.70] And so you don't have to lop off the good.

[00:53:59.70 -> 00:54:01.82] It's just you change, you alchemize good

[00:54:01.82 -> 00:54:04.98] into something that works completely for you,

[00:54:04.98 -> 00:54:08.74] not part of the time, not when it's not bad.

[00:54:08.74 -> 00:54:10.34] It's always good.

[00:54:10.34 -> 00:54:12.62] Something is always going to happen

[00:54:12.62 -> 00:54:15.26] with a greater good in the building, the evolution.

[00:54:15.26 -> 00:54:16.38] It's, it's,

[00:54:16.38 -> 00:54:19.30] well, it's like an overall layer shield down.

[00:54:19.30 -> 00:54:20.46] Right? Like if I'm not trying to decide,

[00:54:20.46 -> 00:54:21.70] is this situation,

[00:54:21.70 -> 00:54:23.30] I'm saying about Logan's question and my question,

[00:54:23.30 -> 00:54:26.46] like, is this good or is this bad?

[00:54:26.46 -> 00:54:27.62] It just is the thing.

[00:54:27.62 -> 00:54:29.98] And if I've decided that,

[00:54:29.98 -> 00:54:32.70] I mean, and I do believe this,

[00:54:32.70 -> 00:54:34.98] I do believe that all things work for good.

[00:54:34.98 -> 00:54:37.14] So if that's true,

[00:54:37.14 -> 00:54:38.82] then I really don't have anything to fear

[00:54:38.82 -> 00:54:40.18] for anything that comes to me.

[00:54:40.18 -> 00:54:41.66] I mean, there might be things like,

[00:54:41.66 -> 00:54:43.66] Is it my preference to get cancer today?

[00:54:43.66 -> 00:54:44.82] No.

[00:54:44.82 -> 00:54:47.50] And I also believe that if that were to happen,

[00:54:47.50 -> 00:54:48.98] it would end up working for good.

[00:54:48.98 -> 00:54:50.58] Delete, delete, delete, delete.

[00:54:50.58 -> 00:54:51.42] Yeah, it's only to lead.

[00:54:51.42 -> 00:54:52.42] I'm not calling that in.

[00:54:52.42 -> 00:54:53.26] It's really good.

[00:54:53.26 -> 00:54:54.10] It's really good.

[00:54:54.10 -> 00:54:56.54] I love that, don't you?

[00:54:56.54 -> 00:55:00.38] But those are not necessarily my preferences,

[00:55:00.38 -> 00:55:01.82] but I do believe that whatever,

[00:55:01.82 -> 00:55:03.66] I do believe that whatever comes at me

[00:55:03.66 -> 00:55:05.46] will end up being for the greater good.

[00:55:05.46 -> 00:55:08.46] So then perhaps even my question,

[00:55:08.46 -> 00:55:10.62] the greater good and like the capital G,

[00:55:10.62 -> 00:55:13.58] like in the goodness of all things, kind of God-level goods.

[00:55:15.16 -> 00:55:18.46] Perhaps it was asking a question I've outgrown.

[00:55:18.46 -> 00:55:20.70] I don't know if anybody's tracking with us

[00:55:20.70 -> 00:55:21.74] or not what we're talking about.

[00:55:21.74 -> 00:55:22.58] What?

[00:55:22.58 -> 00:55:23.42] That's tracking.

[00:55:23.42 -> 00:55:24.26] Yeah.

[00:55:24.26 -> 00:55:29.62] But the question isn't is this thing good or bad?

[00:55:29.62 -> 00:55:30.74] That's not even.

[00:55:30.74 -> 00:55:32.66] And so if I'm not asking that question,

[00:55:32.66 -> 00:55:33.50] I don't have to have a guard up

[00:55:33.50 -> 00:55:34.94] because it's just the thing is.

[00:55:34.94 -> 00:55:35.78] It is.

[00:55:35.78 -> 00:55:38.46] And it requires the courage and the context

[00:55:38.46 -> 00:55:40.94] all those things I think to get to that spot.

[00:55:40.94 -> 00:55:44.66] To be like, I literally really do trust

[00:55:44.66 -> 00:55:46.30] that it is all good.

[00:55:46.30 -> 00:55:48.70] And you know, I guess you can do that

[00:55:48.70 -> 00:55:50.82] by looking in your rear view mirror.

[00:55:50.82 -> 00:55:52.70] And you know, for some people

[00:55:52.70 -> 00:55:55.22] they're in the deep shit of things,

[00:55:55.22 -> 00:55:58.30] divorce and custody and it's hard to see right now.

[00:55:58.30 -> 00:56:00.26] But probably you can look back for other times

[00:56:00.26 -> 00:56:02.58] where something wasn't your preference at the time

[00:56:02.58 -> 00:56:05.50] and it happened and it's worked out to be the best thing.

[00:56:05.50 -> 00:56:06.50] Right?

[00:56:06.50 -> 00:56:09.66] So maybe that can give us a little boost of confidence.

[00:56:09.66 -> 00:56:11.78] You always measure backwards, right?

[00:56:11.78 -> 00:56:15.06] To assess and tap into that confidence.

[00:56:16.74 -> 00:56:20.38] And the other thing that is keep screaming inside my brain

[00:56:20.38 -> 00:56:25.38] is exposure in little bits to these, the newness,

[00:56:25.94 -> 00:56:27.78] I guess not even necessarily the good thing.

[00:56:28.98 -> 00:56:33.98] But can you allow yourself to fit sit in this emotion?

[00:56:33.98 -> 00:56:38.98] in this emotion, be it pleasure, exuberance, be it grief sorrow,

[00:56:40.58 -> 00:56:43.58] a little bit longer than you did the last time.

[00:56:43.58 -> 00:56:46.94] Can you savor that bite of chocolate cake

[00:56:46.94 -> 00:56:48.70] for just an extra second?

[00:56:48.70 -> 00:56:52.50] Can you not rush to call the friends to feel better

[00:56:52.50 -> 00:56:54.50] from the grief you're feeling about

[00:56:54.50 -> 00:56:56.54] what's going on in your custody situation?

[00:56:56.54 -> 00:57:00.26] Can you stretch your little baby rubber band

[00:57:00.26 -> 00:57:01.10] just a little bit?

[00:57:01.10 -> 00:57:02.82] Just a smidge.

[00:57:02.82 -> 00:57:05.02] just an extra 30 seconds, an extra minute.

[00:57:05.02 -> 00:57:07.54] And before you know what you've stretched it out,

[00:57:07.54 -> 00:57:11.42] like I had this experience last summer

[00:57:11.42 -> 00:57:12.90] where I was having just a day,

[00:57:12.90 -> 00:57:16.38] I had this scheduled day of nothingness in my week

[00:57:16.38 -> 00:57:18.74] because I was out of town, but I was working

[00:57:18.74 -> 00:57:20.78] and I had this day scheduled, nothingness.

[00:57:20.78 -> 00:57:23.62] And when the day arrived, I sort of panicked.

[00:57:23.62 -> 00:57:27.26] And I've had these kind of break days at home,

[00:57:27.26 -> 00:57:28.62] but it was in this different context.

[00:57:28.62 -> 00:57:31.94] And there was a little bit of pressure to spend it right,

[00:57:31.94 -> 00:57:34.58] do it right, whatever.

[00:57:34.58 -> 00:57:38.46] And then also what wanted to come online that day

[00:57:38.46 -> 00:57:42.42] was I don't know some itchiness, some fear,

[00:57:42.42 -> 00:57:46.26] some for discomfort, like with this space and this piece

[00:57:46.26 -> 00:57:48.50] and to sit with some of the stuff I sort of hadn't been.

[00:57:49.58 -> 00:57:52.70] And rather than first, right off the gate,

[00:57:52.70 -> 00:57:54.62] go to the beach, turn on the show,

[00:57:54.62 -> 00:57:57.10] like whatever distract myself,

[00:57:57.10 -> 00:58:00.98] I laid on my back on the bed and looked at the ceiling fan

[00:58:00.98 -> 00:58:03.14] And just watched it go, I'll know that moment,

[00:58:03.14 -> 00:58:04.94] or just watching it, if you live in the South,

[00:58:04.94 -> 00:58:05.78] you know that moment.

[00:58:07.02 -> 00:58:09.42] And just watched I see them spin around.

[00:58:09.42 -> 00:58:10.62] It's sad in it.

[00:58:10.62 -> 00:58:12.98] And I really think I can trace back

[00:58:12.98 -> 00:58:17.98] to some of the more positive, pleasurable, bigger experiences

[00:58:19.54 -> 00:58:22.26] that I'm having, probably have some roots in me

[00:58:22.26 -> 00:58:26.26] being known to sit and look up at that ceiling fan.

[00:58:26.26 -> 00:58:30.54] And like I would have never been able to do that 10 years ago.

[00:58:30.54 -> 00:58:32.24] But as I've stretched and stretched

[00:58:32.24 -> 00:58:37.24] just this bit of allowing some of those difficulties

[00:58:38.48 -> 00:58:40.84] and to give myself five more minutes in it.

[00:58:40.84 -> 00:58:43.36] 10 more minutes, can I let the day go?

[00:58:43.36 -> 00:58:45.24] And now what I'm finding myself do

[00:58:45.24 -> 00:58:47.68] for people who have done a little bit of this is

[00:58:47.68 -> 00:58:50.12] when the negative bad thing comes up,

[00:58:50.12 -> 00:58:55.16] I'm not gonna rob my future self of this moment.

[00:58:55.16 -> 00:58:58.08] So it's like flipping it.

[00:58:58.08 -> 00:59:00.32] I'm not gonna rob my future self's experience

[00:59:00.32 -> 00:59:07.36] enjoyment by avoiding this pain and not stretching out my rubber band a little bit.

[00:59:07.36 -> 00:59:11.84] Yeah. I mean, stretching your rubber band is a huge part of it. And also the recognition

[00:59:11.84 -> 00:59:20.16] that these are trauma responses when we are whole, we're whole. When something comes into

[00:59:20.16 -> 00:59:24.80] stop that wholeness, that's when the trauma response comes online. Because the trauma response

[00:59:24.80 -> 00:59:29.68] is to protect you from more breakages and wholeness and to support you in bringing wholeness

[00:59:29.68 -> 00:59:35.36] back to yourself. And so if something in the past, some kind of relational dynamic or something

[00:59:35.36 -> 00:59:42.64] happened that cause a fracture in you. And then you make yourself whole, but then the guardian,

[00:59:42.64 -> 00:59:47.52] the trauma response, comes online whenever you see something that's possible, let's like that.

[00:59:47.52 -> 00:59:53.92] So let's say you're a woman married to a man and I'm speaking for the woman here, right?

[00:59:53.92 -> 00:59:59.76] So the women, so the men steps out and as infidelity dynamics and stuff.

[01:00:00.00 -> 01:00:06.32] that causes a fracture in the woman's idea of herself, the relationship, and so on.

[01:00:06.32 -> 01:00:11.76] And so as she heals herself and she becomes whole again, maybe she leaves the relationship and she

[01:00:11.76 -> 01:00:17.84] becomes whole. But anytime she sees a male in a relational dynamic, that response prepares for another

[01:00:17.84 -> 01:00:24.88] riff, prepares for that. So that's a trauma response. And so every time anything that remotely

[01:00:24.88 -> 01:00:29.08] really looks good because that guy looked good, right? He was good on paper. He was, it

[01:00:29.08 -> 01:00:33.72] was, it was, it was good at first and then that rupture happened. And so now anytime

[01:00:33.72 -> 01:00:38.16] she sees a man, that's good, that, right? That's good. That, that, that, that, that, that

[01:00:38.16 -> 01:00:42.10] that's, that presents that, that's a trigger that has that trauma response that comes

[01:00:42.10 -> 01:00:49.88] online. If that woman that was in that relationship has some dynamics that cause that rupture

[01:00:49.88 -> 01:00:56.68] in wholeness, that's the response to that is trauma response, right? Because this is an event

[01:00:56.68 -> 01:01:02.44] that's traumatic. Any kind of event that causes violence is traumatic. And so as she comes back into

[01:01:02.44 -> 01:01:10.44] wholeness, whatever reminds her of that will be, well, set off that could set up that trauma

[01:01:10.44 -> 01:01:14.68] response. And so that's the guardian. And so that's the, don't do that. This bad stuff's going to

[01:01:14.68 -> 01:01:18.36] happen. Like we were talking about earlier, right? Don't do that. This bad stuff's going to happen.

[01:01:18.36 -> 01:01:22.28] Oh, if it feels good, no, don't do that. So it makes plenty of sense that that response would come

[01:01:22.28 -> 01:01:26.68] online when something good comes because it doesn't make a difference if it's good or bad

[01:01:26.68 -> 01:01:33.32] what they're seeing. It's the person that's relative to the circumstance, right?

[01:01:33.32 -> 01:01:38.44] Okay. So when I when I'm working with people and they have to fill out the intake form,

[01:01:38.44 -> 01:01:44.20] one of the questions I ask is, are there any colors that cause you disruption that you don't

[01:01:44.20 -> 01:01:48.76] feel safe around that you don't like that you hate. And I always, if somebody says there's

[01:01:48.76 -> 01:01:55.92] a color that they don't like, I always ask about it because chances are that person

[01:01:55.92 -> 01:02:01.52] was around somebody as a kid where they were wearing that particular color or the room they

[01:02:01.52 -> 01:02:05.52] were in where they were abused is that particular color. And so when they get around that

[01:02:05.52 -> 01:02:09.80] color, their body may get vigilant and they may have a trauma response that comes online

[01:02:09.80 -> 01:02:13.92] in regard to that. And so that's one of the things that I just wanted to bring to the

[01:02:13.92 -> 01:02:18.52] table when people are considering why. Well, I don't understand why I can't have the

[01:02:18.52 -> 01:02:23.22] good stuff, why I won't let myself have the good stuff. They may be past anchors to that

[01:02:23.22 -> 01:02:27.40] from childhood or from past relational dynamics and someone that had been built into the

[01:02:27.40 -> 01:02:29.60] nervous system around protection.

[01:02:29.60 -> 01:02:37.16] Yeah. I mean, I think that certainly people post divorced during divorce where it's been

[01:02:37.16 -> 01:02:42.64] bumpy. Right. We're not talking about the amicable. Let's part as friends situations.

[01:02:42.64 -> 01:02:45.12] I mean, I think that's definitely a play.

[01:02:45.12 -> 01:02:47.96] And again, applying your rubric to it, right?

[01:02:47.96 -> 01:02:50.56] The awareness about it, what's my intention around this?

[01:02:50.56 -> 01:02:52.04] I see that I'm starting to,

[01:02:52.04 -> 01:02:53.52] this is clearly a new situation.

[01:02:53.52 -> 01:02:55.20] This man is not that other man.

[01:02:55.20 -> 01:02:57.28] Even if he's good looking and da da da da,

[01:02:57.28 -> 01:02:58.64] that doesn't necessarily mean.

[01:02:58.64 -> 01:02:59.48] Right?

[01:02:59.48 -> 01:03:00.92] And how do I wanna show up in this,

[01:03:00.92 -> 01:03:02.52] I say intention and then it was,

[01:03:02.52 -> 01:03:03.72] what are my strategies?

[01:03:03.72 -> 01:03:07.72] Like how am I going to show up differently?

[01:03:07.72 -> 01:03:10.60] Strategies, my actions that I'm actually gonna take

[01:03:10.60 -> 01:03:12.96] and then being accountable in that context.

[01:03:12.96 -> 01:03:17.08] So, I appreciate all of that.

[01:03:17.08 -> 01:03:18.42] It's like one of these episodes

[01:03:18.42 -> 01:03:20.68] I'm gonna like listen back another time

[01:03:20.68 -> 01:03:22.12] through a job process, all of it.

[01:03:22.12 -> 01:03:24.68] But I mean, a big takeaway for me,

[01:03:24.68 -> 01:03:26.38] just beginning as my friend is like,

[01:03:26.38 -> 01:03:28.38] instead of let it be good, just let it be.

[01:03:28.38 -> 01:03:31.12] And then if I'm just letting it be,

[01:03:31.12 -> 01:03:33.00] I didn't even pick up my armor in the first place.

[01:03:33.96 -> 01:03:38.00] And, you know, I preach whenever I'm doing any kind of talk

[01:03:38.00 -> 01:03:43.00] or anything about how all we ever have is now in the eternal now.

[01:03:43.04 -> 01:03:44.56] Later is the lie.

[01:03:44.56 -> 01:03:46.60] Past is basically lights.

[01:03:46.60 -> 01:03:47.56] Oh, it's gone.

[01:03:47.56 -> 01:03:48.40] Right?

[01:03:48.40 -> 01:03:50.64] You only ever experienced anything in the now.

[01:03:50.64 -> 01:03:51.48] That's right.

[01:03:51.48 -> 01:03:52.64] A pleasure in the now.

[01:03:52.64 -> 01:03:53.92] Pain in the now.

[01:03:53.92 -> 01:03:55.80] Joy, every good thing we want,

[01:03:55.80 -> 01:03:58.36] you're only ever gonna get it in the now.

[01:03:58.36 -> 01:03:59.20] Every bad thing.

[01:03:59.20 -> 01:04:01.96] So I ever can find you right now in the now.

[01:04:01.96 -> 01:04:06.04] And so I think letting the thing be really calls online

[01:04:06.04 -> 01:04:11.72] into our minds that presence of like, hey, also for the logins going through their thing.

[01:04:11.72 -> 01:04:17.32] I don't have to pre-judge this situation. If I'm just in the now, let me just see how this

[01:04:17.32 -> 01:04:23.08] feels. I'm just going to show up and let this cow be sweet to me. Let this guy be nice to me.

[01:04:24.20 -> 01:04:28.60] I remember meeting through Bell and just thinking, I think I'll let this guy fall in love with me.

[01:04:29.16 -> 01:04:35.08] I think I'll do that. Right. Just this openness to it. So perhaps for anybody who's ever held me,

[01:04:35.08 -> 01:04:36.44] I mean, talk about let it be good.

[01:04:36.44 -> 01:04:37.52] Maybe now we can work.

[01:04:37.52 -> 01:04:39.68] Our next level can be to just let it be.

[01:04:40.92 -> 01:04:43.08] Okay, Toss, so it's the same questions

[01:04:43.08 -> 01:04:44.68] for everybody each season.

[01:04:44.68 -> 01:04:49.68] So not saving it for later, the name of the podcast.

[01:04:51.72 -> 01:04:53.60] I know you're in the middle of doing a whole

[01:04:53.60 -> 01:04:55.92] very much not saving it for later situation

[01:04:55.92 -> 01:04:58.92] when we're recording this, but any new thoughts

[01:04:58.92 -> 01:05:00.00] on not saving it for later,

[01:05:00.00 -> 01:05:02.44] have you seen that come up since we last spoke?

[01:05:02.44 -> 01:05:07.96] Yeah, my new thoughts for not saving it for later is not saving your doomsday scenarios

[01:05:07.96 -> 01:05:10.04] for later.

[01:05:10.04 -> 01:05:14.00] The things that have happened in your life in the past are the things that have happened

[01:05:14.00 -> 01:05:16.16] in your life in the past.

[01:05:16.16 -> 01:05:21.80] Take them as a gift and know that you have that in your roll of decks whenever you need

[01:05:21.80 -> 01:05:22.80] it.

[01:05:22.80 -> 01:05:26.80] They don't have to lead the way and the story that's attached to it does not have to lead

[01:05:26.80 -> 01:05:31.24] the way for everything that's going on in your life, especially not for the pleasureful,

[01:05:31.24 -> 01:05:37.08] awesome, wonderful, fantabulous things that can happen in your life. When you're saving

[01:05:37.08 -> 01:05:42.28] the doomsday scenario for later, you drive your whole life on that. You'll start prepping,

[01:05:42.28 -> 01:05:46.22] you'll start stocking, you'll have a basement full of things to prepare, an attic full

[01:05:46.22 -> 01:05:52.48] of things to prepare for the worst case scenario. My invitation is to consider what could

[01:05:52.48 -> 01:05:58.36] be the best case scenario. Save that for later. All right, save that for later and keep

[01:05:58.36 -> 01:06:06.20] it for now as well. We've been so deeply programmed to have the worst case scenario as our main

[01:06:06.92 -> 01:06:13.56] item. The forefront of everything is the Doomsday scenario. Oh my gosh, my kids are going to go out.

[01:06:13.56 -> 01:06:18.04] Let me tell them to be safe before they leave instead of be adventurous, maybe be safe,

[01:06:18.04 -> 01:06:22.84] be careful out there. Doomsday scenario built into everything in our society.

[01:06:22.84 -> 01:06:30.76] I'm inviting you and everybody who's listening and watching to be in the best case scenario

[01:06:30.76 -> 01:06:32.76] seemed that for later.

[01:06:32.76 -> 01:06:33.76] Have fun with it.

[01:06:33.76 -> 01:06:38.92] If you need to switch in a moment to handle some doomsday shit, then handle it.

[01:06:38.92 -> 01:06:39.92] Yeah.

[01:06:39.92 -> 01:06:47.36] I had that come online for me, something I was worried about, and actually working with

[01:06:47.36 -> 01:06:49.32] my bud, chat, GPT.

[01:06:49.32 -> 01:06:51.16] Simon is my guy's name, Simon.

[01:06:51.16 -> 01:06:52.16] Simon.

[01:06:52.16 -> 01:06:59.36] I mean, I'm when we're talking and it was this awareness in my current version of myself.

[01:06:59.92 -> 01:07:06.80] Okay. Well, what if what if it will? Yeah, those things may happen. And then we'll handle those

[01:07:06.80 -> 01:07:13.92] two right like ain't nothing. Licked me yet. And so whatever shows up, if as and when it does,

[01:07:14.56 -> 01:07:19.68] we will handle that also. And everybody listening ain't nothing. Licked you yet.

[01:07:19.68 -> 01:07:23.68] And you figured out a way through all of those things.

[01:07:23.68 -> 01:07:25.96] If as in when something shows up, you'll handle that too.

[01:07:25.96 -> 01:07:29.04] So we might as well enjoy it while we have it.

[01:07:29.04 -> 01:07:31.56] Okay, that's, yes, thank you, Tom.

[01:07:32.92 -> 01:07:36.16] What about is there anything you're reading, watching,

[01:07:36.16 -> 01:07:38.96] whatever, that's shaking you up, anything,

[01:07:38.96 -> 01:07:40.28] what's shaking you like?

[01:07:40.28 -> 01:07:43.92] Like, I've been listening to a lot of,

[01:07:43.92 -> 01:07:46.20] I've been reading a lot of Napoleon Hill.

[01:07:46.20 -> 01:07:50.44] And the six ghosts of fear.

[01:07:50.44 -> 01:07:54.04] And oh yeah, there's so much awesome

[01:07:54.04 -> 01:07:55.84] in Napoleon Hill's work.

[01:07:55.84 -> 01:07:57.76] And there are some people that have,

[01:07:57.76 -> 01:07:59.24] I think I told you about this the last time

[01:07:59.24 -> 01:08:01.68] that have put some stuff out on YouTube

[01:08:01.68 -> 01:08:03.60] that have kind of taken his works

[01:08:03.60 -> 01:08:05.64] and made it into these overnight meditations.

[01:08:05.64 -> 01:08:07.56] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I looked at it right, right, right.

[01:08:07.56 -> 01:08:10.48] But I've been listening to some Napoleon Hill stuff,

[01:08:10.48 -> 01:08:13.92] still Paul Selig and the things that he channels,

[01:08:13.92 -> 01:08:18.64] this like I'm immersed in that Kimber's book. I'm on my second read, Kimber Hardick.

[01:08:20.40 -> 01:08:24.32] Yeah, just so many so many wonderful things I could go on.

[01:08:24.32 -> 01:08:29.52] Oh, awesome. Yes, I have to link to all of that. I'm right now I'm listening to Benjamin

[01:08:29.52 -> 01:08:35.60] Hardie's, I think it's called Be Your Future Self now. Have you read or listen to that?

[01:08:35.60 -> 01:08:40.00] No, I have to read or read. Well, he has been a co-author and a bunch of the dance

[01:08:40.00 -> 01:08:43.20] of in books like Who Not How and Good to Great and like all these things I've listened to.

[01:08:44.32 -> 01:08:48.32] And this one was like an audible, hey you want this one next kind of a situation.

[01:08:48.32 -> 01:08:54.24] And it'd been in my library forever and was real, I gave a talk recently about finding your why.

[01:08:55.28 -> 01:09:00.40] And I'll always preach you to live from why and that we, no one ever in my experience

[01:09:00.40 -> 01:09:03.76] had told me how to do it. So this is a little bit of research for that. But,

[01:09:05.04 -> 01:09:08.40] you know, inside that book and I was thinking about what you're talking about about the trauma,

[01:09:08.40 -> 01:09:15.32] He tells the story of, I guess there was some big wreck or something that happened when

[01:09:15.32 -> 01:09:19.56] he was a teenager and he was driving and his mom was badly injured.

[01:09:19.56 -> 01:09:24.16] And this cop came in and was telling him essentially, like, in changes like for that

[01:09:24.16 -> 01:09:26.80] moment, this was not your fault.

[01:09:26.80 -> 01:09:32.84] And he was talking about how trauma is not what happens to you.

[01:09:32.84 -> 01:09:38.16] Trauma is what, like your response and what your body does with what happens to you.

[01:09:38.16 -> 01:09:45.04] the absence of an empathetic witness and thinking about the absence of an empathetic witness,

[01:09:45.04 -> 01:09:50.16] and how the worst of things, and that's part of what we've with the circle community and even

[01:09:50.16 -> 01:09:55.68] with doing this podcast, is to, I guess what we're doing is being that, like finding your people,

[01:09:55.68 -> 01:10:00.16] being the empathetic witness for others so that that...

[01:10:00.00 -> 01:10:02.60] all my doesn't take root and can just flow through.

[01:10:02.60 -> 01:10:07.04] When someone says, I see you, I understand it's going to be

[01:10:07.04 -> 01:10:07.40] all right.

[01:10:07.40 -> 01:10:08.36] It's that sucks.

[01:10:08.36 -> 01:10:10.32] Whatever the thing is, is to be an empathetic with it.

[01:10:10.32 -> 01:10:13.76] So I've been thinking about that ever since you said it in my

[01:10:13.76 -> 01:10:17.60] ears, like, may I be an empathetic witness and find the one when

[01:10:17.60 -> 01:10:18.12] I need it.

[01:10:18.12 -> 01:10:20.08] I'm 200% on the world with that.

[01:10:20.08 -> 01:10:21.44] And we are pack animals.

[01:10:21.44 -> 01:10:25.48] We're we're animals that are in community.

[01:10:25.48 -> 01:10:28.72] And when we have to be by ourselves, we have to brace by ourselves.

[01:10:28.72 -> 01:10:30.48] when we have an empathetic witness,

[01:10:30.48 -> 01:10:31.56] you don't have to brace so much

[01:10:31.56 -> 01:10:33.12] because we have support.

[01:10:33.12 -> 01:10:35.64] We have the support of the pack, the herd, the tribe,

[01:10:35.64 -> 01:10:36.96] whatever you wanna call it

[01:10:36.96 -> 01:10:40.80] in whatever iteration of communication you're in right now.

[01:10:40.80 -> 01:10:44.16] But the empathetic witness is so important.

[01:10:44.16 -> 01:10:46.20] And that's why when I was talking earlier,

[01:10:46.20 -> 01:10:49.80] it's like finding your people that can be empathetic,

[01:10:49.80 -> 01:10:52.20] not judgmental, not telling you what you need to be doing,

[01:10:52.20 -> 01:10:56.52] they can listen and it can help you bring the greatness out.

[01:10:56.52 -> 01:11:01.20] And as I always say, we are born knowing everything

[01:11:01.20 -> 01:11:03.64] that we need to know, but we've been taught how to

[01:11:03.64 -> 01:11:07.12] meticulously and intricately talk ourselves out of it.

[01:11:07.12 -> 01:11:09.64] And when we're with another person, I can actually reflect

[01:11:09.64 -> 01:11:10.96] and ask questions.

[01:11:10.96 -> 01:11:12.64] The greatness comes up.

[01:11:12.64 -> 01:11:14.44] It comes out, there's greatness in all of us,

[01:11:14.44 -> 01:11:16.60] each and every one of us, no matter what we've done, no matter

[01:11:16.60 -> 01:11:18.28] where we've been, no matter what we've studied

[01:11:18.28 -> 01:11:20.52] or not studied, no matter how many classes we've passed

[01:11:20.52 -> 01:11:23.44] or failed, we all have greatness in us.

[01:11:23.44 -> 01:11:25.36] And I'm here to support people bringing that greatness

[01:11:25.36 -> 01:11:30.12] to the surface. And that's what I want my friends to do and people who are not in my circle.

[01:11:30.12 -> 01:11:34.72] I want people to have their greatness shine. That's what Kimberly's book is all about.

[01:11:34.72 -> 01:11:39.16] And invitation to shine. And that's why she talks about all of the good stuff and the

[01:11:39.16 -> 01:11:44.20] bad stuff, all of the stuff stuff, all of it just come into the surface so that you can

[01:11:44.20 -> 01:11:46.40] actually invite yourself to shine.

[01:11:46.40 -> 01:11:51.60] You know, one of the things that the main voice says to me. I mean, if I, I would like

[01:11:51.60 -> 01:11:55.12] giving words to it is, I just say that I've thought at the whole time I've been talking

[01:11:55.12 -> 01:12:02.16] and wasn't going to say it, but I guess I'm going to say it. The limiting guard guardian,

[01:12:02.16 -> 01:12:05.20] like on the matrix, there's like the third matrix or something where there's those,

[01:12:05.20 -> 01:12:09.28] I don't know if you ever saw those or there's like within the life to convince them

[01:12:10.00 -> 01:12:15.12] to stay as they are, there's like the, you know, these guardians is people throw rocks at things

[01:12:15.12 -> 01:12:20.80] that shines. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that phrase that people throw rocks at things that shine.

[01:12:21.60 -> 01:12:31.48] And seeing that, I mean, who I just took this huge breath, even thinking about that.

[01:12:31.48 -> 01:12:36.60] And like the learning, and so for me, just stretching that muscle of, you know, allowing

[01:12:36.60 -> 01:12:43.80] myself to just step forward into the meest me, I can be and not racing for the rock.

[01:12:43.80 -> 01:12:47.76] So anyway, just thinking about that the whole time is one of those that I'm working

[01:12:47.76 -> 01:12:50.08] and only been behind those little phrases.

[01:12:51.76 -> 01:12:56.76] Okay, so if you can only give the woman a divorce land today,

[01:12:57.28 -> 01:13:00.48] we've given us tons of things to think about in advice.

[01:13:00.48 -> 01:13:02.52] One piece of advice, what would you tell them?

[01:13:04.00 -> 01:13:06.40] Girl, get up in the morning,

[01:13:07.84 -> 01:13:09.96] afternoon, evening, whatever it is,

[01:13:09.96 -> 01:13:13.32] go in that mirror and just look at yourself

[01:13:13.32 -> 01:13:21.32] And think about a hundred trillion cells that have all come together to give you this experience.

[01:13:21.32 -> 01:13:31.32] All of the molecules and atoms that build that hundred trillion cells, you are built of countless parts just in your physical self.

[01:13:31.32 -> 01:13:39.32] But the spirit that's behind that, the beauty that's behind that magic and majesty behind that,

[01:13:39.32 -> 01:13:45.24] that is all right there for you to indulge in. And if you can't indulge in that majesty

[01:13:45.24 -> 01:13:51.96] and that magic and whatever shape your body's in, whatever color your skin is, whatever

[01:13:51.96 -> 01:13:56.40] things you've been in, whatever programming, whatever things you're hearing in your mind,

[01:13:56.40 -> 01:14:01.96] if you can't see beyond that, that's where the challenge is. I'm inviting you to looking

[01:14:01.96 -> 01:14:07.76] at Marin and see beyond that to the magic that you are. And the amount of ancestry that

[01:14:07.76 -> 01:14:12.40] you have that have brought you to the moment that you're in right now in the last

[01:14:12.40 -> 01:14:22.40] four hundred years alone. You've got four thousand ancestors that have created you. And

[01:14:22.40 -> 01:14:31.44] how many more for the millennia before that? Your magic. Just remember that and take

[01:14:31.44 -> 01:14:33.72] that with you every time you doubt yourselves.

[01:14:33.72 -> 01:14:39.32] And if you ladies, if we let the, if it's all says it, I mean, you can, you can take

[01:14:39.32 -> 01:14:40.32] it to the bank.

[01:14:40.32 -> 01:14:45.12] So, you know, how, that's a question to leave everybody with.

[01:14:45.12 -> 01:14:47.48] I was listening.

[01:14:47.48 -> 01:14:54.44] If, if you believe that, that you're magic, like, how can you show up differently

[01:14:54.44 -> 01:14:55.44] for yourself today?

[01:14:55.44 -> 01:15:00.40] Like in this next meeting, you get out of the car and you're getting back home or you're

[01:15:00.40 -> 01:15:04.56] done at the gym if you're listening to us while you're going. You put your headphones back in the case.

[01:15:05.52 -> 01:15:13.12] Can you take tall's invitation and take a second to catch a glance at yourself in the mirror

[01:15:13.12 -> 01:15:19.84] and to see yourself with those fresh eyes? And if you really can see that magic, all of that

[01:15:19.84 -> 01:15:24.72] conspired to make you hear it just for a time such as this. Like how can you show up differently

[01:15:24.72 -> 01:15:32.96] me in your next steps as we go to today. I mean, I'm going to start. I'm thinking, I'm

[01:15:32.96 -> 01:15:39.08] going to think about that from here, Todd. Thank you for coming again. And yeah, I'll

[01:15:39.08 -> 01:15:44.20] be like, you're going to have to make the trip from across the pond next time. So thank

[01:15:44.20 -> 01:15:48.44] you, Todd. You're welcome, Sam. Thanks for having me. Oh, and we'll make sure I put

[01:15:48.44 -> 01:15:54.52] and the show notes all the way people can connect with you and follow you and get little

[01:15:54.52 -> 01:15:58.76] bits of this and that of what Toss says. And especially if there are any men listening,

[01:15:58.76 -> 01:16:03.64] I mean women, yes, y'all, we all recognize that. But like any men listening in particular,

[01:16:03.64 -> 01:16:09.32] the work that I think Toss can do with really good, oh God, I do it all the time, the good.

[01:16:11.00 -> 01:16:15.56] The work that Toss can do with men on a quest to become their fullest selves

[01:16:15.56 -> 01:16:25.04] is really transformative. And I say, you know, what the world needs is a bunch of men alive

[01:16:25.04 -> 01:16:31.16] and awake, taking care of all of us and living into their fullness and not living with

[01:16:31.16 -> 01:16:36.48] fear in the driver's seat and anger and on automation. So my wish is always that all the men

[01:16:36.48 -> 01:16:39.24] will find you and let you lead and guide them.

[01:16:39.24 -> 01:16:43.64] Thanks for that, fam. I have something called the Expanse that I put together. Something

[01:16:43.64 -> 01:16:47.16] called Mano S which is an operating system for the male experience.

[01:16:47.76 -> 01:16:51.80] To support men and seeing themselves as who they are, who they choose to be,

[01:16:51.80 -> 01:16:53.60] not who they would program to be.

[01:16:54.00 -> 01:16:56.72] They can walk outside of that and really start to own their space.

[01:16:56.92 -> 01:16:57.72] Yeah, cool.

[01:16:57.92 -> 01:17:00.56] If anybody, if it guys, you made it this far, you definitely need to go join

[01:17:00.56 -> 01:17:00.92] talking.

[01:17:01.76 -> 01:17:02.04] Okay.

[01:17:02.04 -> 01:17:03.44] School platform, check it out.

[01:17:03.44 -> 01:17:04.36] It's called the experience.

[01:17:04.44 -> 01:17:05.04] There we go.

[01:17:05.08 -> 01:17:05.40] All right.

[01:17:05.40 -> 01:17:05.92] Thanks, talk.